INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're not watching Jake and Amir! JAKE: What? AMIR: Reverse psychology. JAKE: It's not. AMIR: It is! [Jake and Amir are both on their laptops. Amir yelps incredulously at something on his screen, but gags a little. Amir gag-yelps again, then a third time.] JAKE: React internally. AMIR: [gesturing at his screen] Get this guy out of my country; get this guy out of my life, dude! [Jake shakes his head.] AMIR: I'm sick of this TMZ tweeny-bopper Canadian lesbo ass, dude! [Jake doesn't react.] AMIR: [stammering, gagging] It makes me want to puke or something, dude! JAKE: Dude! Dude, dude! Do your work! [Amir makes a face at Jake] Answer emails. AMIR: [using air quotes, doing hand motions] Everything Justin Bieber does is a "blunder", and so I think we should send his ass back down under. JAKE: Back-- he's from Canada. You just knew that. AMIR: Either way, this Mongoloid ass needs to be deported for his actions, or lack thereof! JAKE: What didn't he do? AMIR: [shrug] He's just obnoxious. JAKE: That's it? AMIR: [shrugging excessively] He's just a little obnoxious. He just rubs me the wrong way, in a way. [chuckles] He's a little Johnny Obnoxville. JAKE: He's-- ...sorry, you can't deport someone because they annoy you. AMIR: This motherfucker is ruining the lamestream media, with these pop-up, tabloid, e-zine, blog, link bait, listicle bullshit! Okay? I can't-- they're just covering his downward spiral; it's disgusting! Look, visit my Facebook wall. I post about these things pretty often, actually, they're-- [chuckling] --they're actually really funny! They're great! [laughing] JAKE: You just said you didn't like them, [looking down at his laptop] and wow. Buddy, you are a major part of the problem. Don't you think? You post about these stories all the time on Facebook! Your last one just says "Buck Fieber"... nice. AMIR: I'm serious, dude. Buck him! Yeah, why does he get all this attention? He doesn't deserve it! Just... just thinking about it, literally all the time, makes me sick to my stomach! JAKE: You know, you're giving him a lot of attention. AMIR: Yeah, 'cause he's a basket case! He's a car crash, and I can't look away! Also, belieb it or not, I'm... I'mma kind of obsessed with this little fucker. JAKE: Of course I belieb that! That's very beliebable. AMIR: I have Bieber fever in a way. Okay? Diarrhea and all. JAKE: I think you might just have diarrhea. AMIR: I'm actually starting a Facebook group. JAKE: Wow, you look sick. AMIR: If you care to join it, it's called, uh, "Deport Justin Bieber Before I Faint"! [struggling to speak] JAKE: Alright, yes. You definitely just have a stomach bug. Take up a real issue. Alright? Focus on something a little more important than this celebrity bullshit. AMIR: Holy shit, did you see this TMZ video of Justin Bieber pissing in a bucket? [laughing] JAKE: It's really old. AMIR: You can actually kind of see Justin's balls in it. It's... it's pretty hot. [fanning himself by shaking his shirt collar] I'm sweating. JAKE: Yeah, you have the flu! You're pale, you're angry, you're dripping with sweat. Go home for the day. AMIR: I'm fine. I'm just freezing, and... [pause] puking a little. JAKE: Oh, that's a lot of puke! [Amir is vomiting on himself.] AMIR: Oh shit, dude! 'Gram it! 'Gram this, and DM it to Justin. I have... I have giardia for this tween fuck! END