Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and you're beautiful just the way you are. Jake: That's nice. Amir: I was talking to you. Jake: No. Jake: Morning, man. Amir: (turns around with a baby in a carrier) WAZZUP! Jake: No. No, okay? Amir: Oh yeah! Jake: Tell you what, dude... Just give me!”give me the.. child, and uh... get out of here. Leave. Amir: This is my baby, Bjorn. In a BabyBjörn. Guess what day he was bjorn (born). Jake: I don't care what day he was bjorn (born). I care about his family, okay? His mom and dad who miss him, and!” Amir: I'm his daddy now! (to baby) Isn't that right, little pig shit? Jake: Don't.. do that, man. Amir: Relax, dude, okay? Come over tonight, hey? We'll rent a movie: The Bjorn (Bourne) Identity, starring Jason Bjorn (Bourne)? Jake: It's actually starring Matt Damon. Amir: Oh yeah, the guy from Outbreak, with the airbjorn (airborne) illness. Jake: You're thinking of Contagion now. Amir: Guess what my favorite tennis player is. Jake: Björn Borg. Amir: Patrick.. Rafter. ...He was a bjorn (born) winner. Jake: Stop saying "bjorn." You know what? I'm calling the police. I feel like I've been doing this way too much recently. Amir: You're gonna look like such a fool when they get here. Jake: (on phone) Doubtful. [A cop enters near Amir.] Cop: There he is. Jake: (lowers phone) Wow, they didn't even need to pick up. Sir, I can and will testify against this.. criminal. Cop: Let me see those hands. Jake: You heard the man. Cop: So I can shake them. Jake: What? Cop: Permission to congratulate the hero that saved my son's life. Amir: (pause, inhales) Denied. Cop: (nods) Understood. Jake: What's going on right now? Cop: I was walking my child to daycare when I heard gunfire. A lot of people were dying, and I froze. But this brave, brave man stepped forward and took my son off my hands so I could apprehend a murderer. Jake: You sure he didn't just take advantage of the situation in order to steal your baby? Cop: WOW. Permission to kick this man's ass, sir. Amir: Denied. Denied. Jake: I just got this text message from him five minutes ago. "Hey dude, jacked a baby on the way to work. This is gonna be hilarious. From a cop, no less. A little piggy." Cop: Let me see that. Jake: Sure thing. Yeah, you know what, in fact, anything I can do to help. I always wanted to be a police officer myself, and uh, I guess this makes it official!”Hey! Come on... [The cop crushes Jake's phone.] God... Cop: (hands remains to Jake) Now it doesn't say anything. Jake: Holy crap, that was so!”that was, like, insanely easy for you, huh? You are strong as shit. This is like!”that's a 4 so that's a heavier phone, there's a steel band, I mean!”holy wow, that is... Cop: Permission to hug my son again, sir. Permission to squeeze his rosy cheeks. Amir: Oh! You wanna.. squeeze these cheeks, huh? These, uh!”this cute little face, this chunky munchkin little grapefruit guy, huh? You wanna squeeze this little squeezeball? (laughs) Cop: Yes, very much so. Amir: Denied. Cop: You are the boss of me. (salutes) [The baby makes a "goo" sound as Amir squeezes his cheeks.] Jake: Dude... go take your son back. [The cop puts Jake in an armlock.] HEY! OW! AH! Cop: Permission to break this perp's arm, sir! Jake: (in pain) I'm not a perp! Deny him! Deny him! Amir: (moving baby's mouth to match his words) ...Granted. Jake: NO...! Cop: NYAHHH!!! (breaks Jake's arm) Jake: AHHH!!! THE END