Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Amir: Have you seen my iWatch? Jake: Your what? Amir: My iWatch! Amir: Oh no! My uncle's molesting me! Jake: Jesus, man. Amir: Uncle Sam, that is. I am getting audited. Jake: Don't say it like that. Amir: Did we have lunch in like May of last year? Jake: I don't know. Amir: I don't know either. So think, did we have lunch or not? Jake: Yeah, don't be mad at me if you also don't know. Amir: I'm hoping you kept the receipt. Jake: For a lunch that we maybe had nine months ago? Amir: 21 months ago. Okay, this is a 2020 return and my ass is getting absolutely shredded for it. I feel like I'm up Schitt's Creek without a saddle. Jake: You mean without a paddle. Amir: Without a saddle, I know how to sit. Jake: Why did you spend $11,000 at the NBC store? Amir: I did so much net profit that year that it's technically gross. Jake: Nice. Amir: I'm serious, I can barely hide my joy, let alone my short-term capital gain. Jake: Try to catch your breath and just speak normal, all right? Amir: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake: 'Cause you're not focused on the returns now. Amir: Yay. I'm sorry I made close to $450,000 day trading shit coins. Jake: Shit coins? Amir: Yes, I was in a few private Signal groups that were able to pump and dump alt coins to the tune of, drum roll please… Jake: $450,000. Amir: Exactly right. Jake: Yes, you have to pay taxes on that. Amir: Really? Jake: Yeah, really. But instead, you spent $48,000 at Talbots. Amir: What kind of shit do you write off? You know, besides me. Jake: Expenses, charitable donations. Amir: Yeah, I made one of those. It was a cyber donation from my MetaMask wallet to a non-profit called the Amir Blumenfeld Foundation for not giving a shit. Jake: Nice. Amir: Legally a 501(c)(3) non-profit. Jake: Right, I highly doubt that. Amir: Yeah, it's like a bunch of little causes that all feed into the main foundation of not giving a shit. Have you ever considered that? Have you ever considered not giving a shit? Jake: OnlyFans, Brazzers, Reality Kings, I mean, what? Amir: I have a chronic migraine condition. Jake: That doesn't— Amir: And you're exacerbating it. Jake: Does not explain how you spend $11,000 on a mofo's website. How did you even get audited? Who files your actual taxes? Amir: I have a guy. Jake: You have a guy. Amir: Well, technically a girl, you sexist fuck. Jake: You said guy. Amir: It's nice to have somebody like that in your corner. He's a little illegal, but it pays off. Jake: What does he do that makes him a little illegal? Amir: She's a little illegal, you misogynist prick. Jake: You said he, you know what? Why did you go to Spencer's gifts 1,100 times in 2020? Amir: No reason. Jake: 1,100 visits. That's multiple times a day. Radio Shack, Dillard's, Sears. I mean, these stores don't even exist anymore. How do you spend, how do you spend $50,000 at them? Amir: Will you tell me if we had a dessert? Jake: When? Amir: In 1964? Jake: The only receipt I'll ever keep is the one for your funeral, okay? 'Cause I'll use it to wipe my ass. Amir: Holy shit, that was so dark. But thank you for picking up the tab. Those things can get pricey AF. Jake: Try not to take it remotely as a compliment because I mean it in my gut. Amir: I love you, man. If you must know, my CPA is in AA. Yeah, Leron knew her in grade school. Jake: Okay, so she's a friend of Leron's from grade school. Amir: No, Leron teaches her in grade school, you sexist fuck. Jake: That time it wasn't sexist. Okay, so Leron is a grade school teacher and your CPA is what? Amir: Nine, yeah, and an alcoholic, for sure. For sure. I don't care that you only get one phone call from prison. Use it to go on record to say that I spent $11 million in 2019. I mean, this is your job, madame. It's my CPA. Jake: CPA, yeah. Amir: You will do so because I pay for your bi-monthly retainer and I do fund your Invisalign. I absolutely fund your Invisalign. Where's the receipt for that shit? Jake: You're not gonna find it. Your phone flashlight is on. Just turn it off, okay? 'Cause your phone was almost— And now it is dead. Amir: Yeah. Did we have brunch together in 2001? Do you ever expense like haircuts or beauty treatment as part of our job? Jake: What is our job? Amir: What's that? Jake: What is our job? What did you write as like our employment? Amir: Yeah, I don't know. It's like, I usually just write content or something. Jake: I don't know. Amir: I don't know. Jake: I don't know. Amir: Marketing?