INTRO JAKE: [cheerily] Hello! You're watching Jake and Amir! AMIR: [chuckling, imitating Jake in a nasal voice] "Hello! You're w--" ...you sound bad, dude! JAKE: No. [Jake is outside, writing and eating lunch. Amir and Murph come up behind him, wearing oven mitts and carrying a giant pot of pea soup.] AMIR: Who wants soup? AMIR/MURPH: April Fools! [Amir and Murph dump all of the soup on top of Jake, who lets out a blood-curdling scream.] [Cut to Jake lying on his stomach on a stretcher. His shirt is off, and his back is covered in cloth bandages. Amir walks over to him.] AMIR: I know you're not mad at me, okay, but I can't help but feel that you're a little bit pissed at the day. JAKE: I'm mad at you. AMIR: Whoa! Did not expect or deserve that tongue-lashing! JAKE: You know what I didn't expect or deserve? To be burned alive. Leave me alone. AMIR: Fine! [Amir stops talking, but doesn't leave. He looks around idly for a bit, then bends over and puts his face next to Jake.] AMIR: Want to know the worst part? JAKE: I know the worst part. It was the feeling of the flesh falling off my back, after-- AMIR: It's that April Fools is like ruined now almost. [standing back up] Not in a good way, either. JAKE: How can you ruin something in a good way? AMIR: I'm just saying that I feel like every April you'll be reminded of this little snafu, and I won't be able to play another epic prank on you without this green cloud hovering over us! JAKE: Yeah, you know what, dude? I think I will remember this every April. I'll remember this every week, every day, for the rest of my life. I will never forgive, never forget-- AMIR: Today just got sucks. JAKE: Today got sucks when you scalded my back with soup. [Murph shows up.] MURPH: 'Sup, Jake. ...Making Amir feel bad again? JAKE: Leave me alone, Murphy! Alright? My back really kills. MURPH: [leaning over, whispering to Jake] I think that you owe Amir an apology. JAKE: [whispering] What? Why? [Murph stands up, and rips one of the bandages off of Jake's back.] JAKE: [screaming] Owwwww, I'm sorry! MURPH: [leaning over] I don't think Amir could hear you. JAKE: [whimpering] Ohh... MURPH: Because you were yelling like a bitch. AMIR: I guess kinda I could hear him... JAKE: [high-pitched stammering] Yeah, he could hear me! Hear that? He said he could hear me! AMIR: ...though Murph does raise a good point that it was a little bit masked by, b-- by the, by the bitchly screaming. MURPH: So let's try that again, Jake. [Jake whimpers again] This time, without the bitchly screaming. JAKE: Weak! I'm so-- [Murph tears another bandage off.] JAKE: [screaming, crying] Owwwwwww! MURPH: Amir, do you accept that? AMIR: I mostly do, but maybe not completely, because he didn't finish the sentence. He was like, "I'm sorr-- aaaaah!" JAKE: Man, this is so fucked! Even for you guys! ...It's too dark! I don't like this! MURPH: Amir, should we give Jake one more chance to apologize like a man... [leaning down to Jake] and not scream like a bitch? AMIR: I don't want him to get hurt-- JAKE: Good, man! You hear that? He doesn't want me to get hurt! AMIR: --though, on the other hand, everybody does deserve a second chance, and maybe another rip will give Jake that opportunity. MURPH: [to Jake] Everyone deserves a second... [ripping off another bandage] chance! JAKE: [screaming] Owwwww, God, no, no! What's wrong with you, you sick fucking... it--... [Murph is massaging Jake's back, the skin of which is surprisingly intact and undamaged.] JAKE: ...I feel... I, I... I feel no pain. What are you doing? MURPH: [smiling calmly] I'm applying warming jelly to your back. Jake, the soup wasn't burning hot... it was freezing cold. [Amir nods] You went into shock, and... we told you your body was covered in third-degree burns. [staring off into the distance, still massaging Jake] It's funny, you know? You're always wondering what to expect... maybe you should start expecting what to wonder. JAKE: ...Y--... y-- you still ruined my clothes. MURPH: Oh shit, I'm sorry. END