INTRO AMIR: Jake, Jake, Jake. Jake Jake Jake. Jake your booty. JAKE: Stop! AMIR: (joining Jake on couch) Hey, dude, thanks for meeting me here. JAKE: (simultaneously) Oh, bad odor! AMIR: So how do people make money today? JAKE: I'm not meeting you here. Ok, I was just in here. AMIR: That's right, creating iPad apps. JAKE: Don't think that I agreed to a meeting. AMIR: And, what better way to create iPad apps than in a meeting that both people agreed to? AMIR: Ok, first app idea. You know how it's hard to manage your time, like time management? JAKE: Sure. AMIR: So this is just a list of other shit that's hard to deal with. JAKE: Really? Number one says wiping. AMIR: Yes. JAKE: That shouldn't be that hard. AMIR: And yet it is. JAKE: No it's not. AMIR: Ok. JAKE: (holds up iPad) Sorry, just look at your iPad, right? It's covered in cracks and barbecue sauce. AMIR: I was trying to change the battery on this piece of junk. JAKE: You haven't tried to clean it! Ok, treat your stuff better! JAKE: Number two on your list of shit that's hard to deal with is not shaking foreigners and demanding they speak English. Awful. AMIR: That's an example of something I do all the time. JAKE: I know. AMIR: The hardest thing anyone has to deal with, emotionally, is finding out that a loved one doesn't feel anything for them anymore. JAKE: What's the app? AMIR: I'm not always talking about apps. AMIR: So, you hate the Papua New Guinean community, I hate the Papua New Guinean community. So let's just agree- JAKE: Stop, I don't hate the Papua New Guinean community. AMIR: Ok. So this app might be a dud. (snorts) AMIR: This one's pretty slick, actually, it's an app called burger and you use it when you're hungry. JAKE: How? AMIR: It's a picture of a burger and, uh, ya eat your iPad. (chuckles) JAKE: Cool, so that's why you have the, uh- AMIR: Barbecue sauce everywhere, no, that was for a different app called ribs and it's not what it sounds like. That was a picture of- JAKE: Ribs. AMIR: Exactly right, how did you- JAKE: How is that not what it sounds like? AMIR: You're getting defensive. JAKE: Oh my- AMIR: It's called Photobooth and you can use it to take goofy pictures of yourselves. JAKE: That app has been around for a while. AMIR: Yeah, well I created a lens for it, called fisheye. JAKE: I feel so bad for you, man. AMIR: If you're gonna call me out on every single white lie I tell, just, just leave, I'm serious man. JAKE: Fine. (gets up) AMIR: Bahh! When I'm done! JAKE: What is that noise? AMIR: What noise? JAKE: It just comes out of your mouth when I go to leave. (gets up) AMIR: I guess so- Bahh! AMIR: You're in a bad place right now and I feel like even if I pitched you a good idea you wouldn't be into it. JAKE: You haven't pitched me a good idea so don't worry about that, right? AMIR: (taps iPad) Alright. JAKE: Actually you know what? (takes iPad) I'm gonna take away the iPad. Because it costs a lot of money and you don't know how to take care of it. Sorry. AMIR: Oh my God, I have a case for it, relax. JAKE: The case has more barbecue sauce on it than the iPad. AMIR: Call me out. Call me out in front of all your big friends so that I can feel small. JAKE: Don't talk to me like a bitter boyfriend or something. AMIR: Don't compartmentalize me like I'm a chore. JAKE: You spit all over my fucking arm just now. AMIR: (huggine Jake) I hate when we fight like this. JAKE: Stop! AMIR: Alright, so this one's a hoot and a half. (laughs briefly) What's the hardest part about reading? JAKE: Finding the time. AMIR: Ok, never mind. JAKE: Your app idea just says the vowels. AMIR: Never mind, I said! AMIR: You try to put everything in a box. And if it doesn't fit, ya throw it away. (pause, reaches for hug) I'm sorry. JAKE: Get- AMIR: So you know how Instagram sold for (puts pinky to lip) one billion dollars? JAKE: Don't do that. AMIR: (laughs) So this would be an app that harasses the creators of Instagram until they give us a few million dollars to stop. JAKE: Alright, don't take this as a compliment. AMIR: Thank you. JAKE: That's your best app idea yet. AMIR: Appreciate it. JAKE: It's still terrible. AMIR: Danke. JAKE: It's just all your other ideas are so bad. AMIR: Gracias. (laughs) JAKE: Ok, don't take this- AMIR: Todah rabah. JAKE: Fuck you! (pause, Amir recoils) AMIR: (whispers) Ouch. JAKE: Hey, brace yourself 'cause this is not gonna be pleasant. AMIR: Oh no, constructive criticism! JAKE: Quit. AMIR: (faintly) Ow. JAKE: Not even quit while you're ahead, quit while you're behind. None of these ideas were good. I would feel bad telling you to go back to the drawing board. AMIR: Right, yeah, yeah. JAKE: I feel like there's not even a single nugget of an idea that's worth exploring. AMIR: That's fine, Ok. JAKE: Furthermore, AMIR: Oh? JAKE: You're not smart. AMIR: No. JAKE: You're not getting better. AMIR: Nope. JAKE: You don't have a mind that's capable of improving itself. You can't even take care of this iPad. So I say, let's toss out the iPad. We'll, we'll find something else for you to do, you know? AMIR: Yeah. JAKE: With your time. AMIR: At least I gave it the old college try, you know? JAKE: I'm not sure you did. AMIR: Well, at least I tried my best, you know? (snorts) JAKE: That is sad, because it wasn't even close to being good enough. AMIR: (tapping couch) Absolutely (snorts) I just, uh. Quit it, alright, you're making me feel weak. JAKE: You are weak. AMIR: (raising voice) Enough! Ok, you're not creative! THE END