INTRO AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, I guess. JAKE: What? What is it? AMIR: You're sad at me! [Jake is at his desk. Amir walks up slowly, rubbing his temple.] AMIR: ...Hi. [Jake turns around.] AMIR: Are you... er... I just think I need to go to the hospital. JAKE: Sorry? AMIR: I'm not... or, I don't know who I am. JAKE: [processing the situation] ...No, I mean "sorry" like... like I don't know you. We don't know each other. In life. AMIR: [confused] ...Yeah? JAKE: Yeah. We're not close. AMIR: What's my personality like? JAKE: ...I don't know you, man, but, um... you know, what most people around here like you for is that you, uh... you're not a paranoid schizophrenic, you don't have delusions of grandeur, and you... use the toilet, when you need to go to the bathroom. AMIR: That's fun. JAKE: It's normal... understand? You are normal. AMIR: [gesturing around] And so I sit, like... JAKE: You sit on the other side of the office. Far... [tearing up] far away from here. AMIR: Why are you crying? JAKE: [smiling, wiping his eyes] I'm just really happy. Alright? It has nothing to do with you, but I think there's um... I really think there's a miracle happening right now. AMIR: I'm just rifling through my pockets, trying to figure out, you know, little hints about my past, and there's, like, this... barbecue sauce container, a-- a clump of blond hair, and this really poorly-worded note. JAKE: You know what, man? I think you put on some... some weird loser's pants. Some small coward. Okay? But... but he's gone now. I think... I think luck, or fate, or God finally intervened, and I really think he might not ever come back. AMIR: [reading the note] "Clone Jake with his hair if he's ever being a bitchly." [bringing the lock of hair up to Jake's head] Are you Jake? JAKE: I'm Josh. [swats Amir's hand away] AMIR: Ohh! JAKE: Josh R. But you can call me Josh. And look, man, it was really nice to meet you, but... but please leave... Yeah. I have work to do. Get out of here. [Pat shows up] PAT: Hey, Jake! Sorry, just got a quick question for you. Uh, you know that, um... [trying to get Jake's attention] Oh, I'm sorry. Jake? ...Jake. ...Jake! Jake! Jake! [Amir seems intrigued.] PAT: Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! [As if having an epiphany, Amir begins as well.] PAT: Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake-- /AMIR: ...Jake... Jake... Jake. Jake! Jake-- [Jake stands up and confronts Pat.] JAKE: You have to leave. Now. PAT: ...Okay. [Pat leaves.] JAKE: [to Amir] You should go too. AMIR: So I guess this is goodbye. JAKE: I... I guess so... I hope so. [Amir looks confused] I guess so. [Amir turns to leave, but Dave Rosenberg is in his way.] DAVE: Boom, bitch! [Dave punches Amir in the face and Amir collapses.] AMIR: Aah! What was that? Jake! Where have I been? JAKE: [to Dave] You asshole! Why'd you do that? AMIR: Yeah, why'd you do that? Get him, Jake! Show him no mercy! What the-- [Jake has grabbed a mug from the desk, and begins hitting Amir in the face with it.] AMIR: Ohh! JAKE: Go back! [hits Amir] AMIR: Ohh! JAKE: Go back to where you were! You ass! [hits Amir] AMIR: Ohh! Stop it, or I'll-- [gets hit] --clone you, you-- [gets hit] --bitchly! END