Amir: Why, who are you voiting for you you you frickin Muslim?
Jake: Shhh!
Amir: Oh my God, oh sorry, gosh. You left-leaning libtards are so politically correct. Okay, this is why we got a Trump that—
Jake: Shut up. Do not obviously say that. Shut up. Stop it. Don't even mouth it to me. What makes you like Donald Trump?
Amir: The pussy video was pretty funny.
Jake: So you think that's a positive. He's bragging about sexual assault.
Amir: It was locker room talk. You know how locker rooms talk?
Jake: Locker rooms don't—do you think a locker room was saying that on the video?
Amir: Yeah, exactly right. And by the way, Trump wants to put a lid on immigration. Illegal or otherwise, which I actually like as a moron with high standards.
Jake: You remember you weren't born in America, right?
Amir: Bite your tongue.
Jake: It's not a bad thing. Where do you get these opinions?
Amir: I'm speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I've said a lot of things.
Jake: That's one of the worst sentences, I think, that's ever been said.
Amir: Joke's on you. It's actually a Trump quote, verbatim. (laughs) Caught!
Jake: I think the joke's on you.
Amir: Let me ask you this: What do you like about crooked, shillery, rotten, rodden, roden, clit, torn?
Jake: No, stop. She's the most qualified candidate.
Amir: Wrong.
Jake: She cares about women's issues.
Amir: Rotten.
Jake: She believes that climate change is a real threat,
Jake: not a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
Amir: And the, um, um, the emails?
Jake: The emails?
Amir: Yeah, the, the, the, the, the, the emails.
Amir: You stuttering dumb.
Jake: I didn't stutter, you did, and it's fine.
Amir: You're okay with her sending secret shit about me and you and then archiving them for later or sending them to the trash?
Jake: Sorry, do you think we were the subject matter of the emails? I don't think you understand what the email issue was.
Amir: I'll tell you what the email issue was. Voter fraudulency.
Jake: So not the emails.
Amir: Donald Trump is gonna knock the crap out of ISIS. Hillary Clinton, erstwhile, won't even say "radical Islam." I mean, not right there is enough for me to grab my pussy with joy.
Jake: Do not say that word anymore.
Amir: Hillary is actually ISIS and Benghazi, and furthermost, she is in jail.
Jake: She's in jail? You realize there was already a congressional hearing, right? There was an investigation by—
Amir: Bill Clinton.
Jake: What does that have—
Amir: What da tha ha ta do? I tell you what da ha ta do.
Jake: You know I'm not talking like that, right?
Amir: He's a disaster, and Bill Clinton is Hillary Clinton. So, I don't know if I mentioned that earlier.
Jake: Nothing you say is true.
Amir: It doesn't matter what's true, it matters what's entertaining. Okay, in fact, lies are better than truths. Because people talk and tweet about the lies. Okay, truths are boring, but lies have eyes. And the eyes have it. Yeah, it's not about who's populist, it's about who's popular. It's like you don't even understand how to win in Florida. And by the way, we're winning. We're winning big in Florida.
Jake: No, you're not. Hillary's leading in Florida.
Amir: That's because the polls are freaking rigged.
Jake: Are the polls rigged or are you winning? Because you're claiming both.
Amir: I really think that the polls are either rigged or they're right, and it's crazy to think, I mean, because this girl, this woman, sorry, this candidate, this disaster, is rigging the whole freaking system. That's why we call her lyin' Ted.
Jake: No you don't.
Amir: That's why we call her low energy Jeb.
Jake: Never did that.
Amir: And she hasn't done anything right, except for the fact that she's rigged the system against my client. And you know what? He's still shellacking her in the polls. The polls are rigged and he's still winning in a landslide.
Jake: Why is your voice reaching this octave, like way up here?
Amir: And guess what? SNL's making fun of him too. Explain that.
Jake: Fine, you hate Hillary, but what does Donald Trump, the rich business—
Amir: Deals.
Jake: Excuse me?
Amir: Sorry, I will let you finish, but the answer is gonna be deals.
Jake: You are gonna let me finish? What has he contributed—
Amir: It's gonna be good deals. Let's see what the question is.
Jake: What has he contributed to society?
Amir: I will let you finish your question.
Jake: You haven't let me finish it yet. Let's see if you just can't talk for one second. What has he contributed—
Amir: Good deals, sorry, continue.
Jake: Okay, you're saying "deals." Just quiet.
Amir: I haven't said it yet. I'm waiting for—
Jake: You did say it, a lot of times. All right, what has he contributed to society to make it a better place and make you trust his vision for America?
Amir: He makes good deals. He actually makes the best deals, and that's coming from him. So you know that it's good.
Jake: He lost $916 million in a single year. How is that good at business?
Amir: It's good at taxes.
Jake: It's good?
Amir: It really is good.
Jake: It's good to lose a billion dollars?
Amir: Nobody knows more about taxes ever than Donald Trump, and he says it's good, so I—
Jake: You know what, fine. What are your feelings on his running mate, Mike Pence?
Amir: He's fine.
Jake: Paul Ryan?
Amir: Disaster.
Jake: David Duke?
Amir: Fine. A little right of center, but fine.
Jake: President Barack Obama?
Amir: Muslim. Kenyan. Disaster.
Jake: Vladimir Putin?
Amir: Strong. Fierce. Hot.
Jake: Hot?
Amir: Strong. Fierce.
Jake: What did you say, though?
Amir: Fierce and strong.
Jake: You said three adjectives.
Amir: Hot.
Jake: Got it. Hillary Clinton?
Amir: Disaster. Bill Clinton? Disaster.
Jake: John McCain?
Amir: Weak. I like heros that weren't caught.
Jake: 9/11?
Amir: Fine. I mean bad obviously, but compared to the disaster that is Bill "Gazi" Clinton? It's not that bad.