INTRO
JAKE: Hey, thank you so much for watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Losers.
JAKE: Be grateful.
AMIR: I am!
[CollegeHumor has booked a theater for the premiere. The marquee outside reads "COLLEGEHUMOR PRESENTS: AMIR AND JAKE; A WEBSERIES ABOUT TWO BEST FRIENDS". Inside, Amir and Jake walk across the stage into the spotlight. The are met with applause from an audience of their co-workers.]
AMIR: Ladies... gentlemen... Paul...
[Murph, who is sitting beside Paul Briganti, laughs uproariously.]
PAUL: ...Why are you mean to me?
AMIR: What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said?
SAM: Uh, excuse me: "movie"? It's supposed to be a short web clip.
AMIR: Started off as that. But the more we worked on it, the more this bird wanted to be a plump, plump princess, a tubby fowl.
JAKE: It's off to, you know, a little bit of a rough start, but I think with some patience, Sam, I really think we can... we can find our voice.
AMIR: [yelling] It has full frontal!... It has full backal!
JAKE: It's quirky. That's true. But I believe we can find some dedicated weirdos to laugh along with us.
AMIR: [yelling] I'm a dumbass! I'm a dumbass extraordinaire, and I was in charge of making it, and then I, I did it!
JAKE: Okay. I play Jake, uh, everyday straight man...
[Amir waves.]
JAKE: ...opposite my annoying co-worker, Amir.
AMIR: [yelling] I play me: Jake!
JAKE: You play Amir.
AMIR: [yelling] Henry!
JAKE: [to Amir] You're getting overly excited. [to the audience] Alright, Amir plays an over-the-top--
AMIR: [yelling and shaking] --demented dumbass Jew with a black heart and a raisin toe dick, who gets off to making Jake proud and nothing else!
JAKE: Calm down, please.
AMIR: [yelling, shaking] I am calm!
JAKE: You're shaking.
AMIR: [yelling, shaking] I love being in front of people! I'm famous today! [stomps]
SAM: [to himself] What have I done...
JAKE: We've taken up enough of your time. We'll just let you guys enjoy the movie.
[Jake walks off-stage, dragging along Amir, who is still vibrating with energy.]
AMIR: [still yelling] Yeah! In the beginning is when I cut my dick off in it!
[As the movie plays, Jake and Amir stay backstage. Jake is waiting nervously, but Amir has begun doing his celebratory dance.]
AMIR: Henry!... Henry!...
JAKE: Can you please stop celebrating? We don't even know how it's going in there.
AMIR: I'm sure it's doing great!
[Sam enters the backstage area.]
SAM: Alright guys! You are fired.
JAKE: Of course.
AMIR: [simultaneously] Why?
SAM: I just saw you amputate your penis... asshole!
JAKE: [to Amir] Why did you leave that in?
AMIR: It's art!
SAM: What the fuck is "backal"?
[In the theater, the audience can be heard groaning loudly in disgust.]
AMIR: Probably just missed it!
[Pat runs into the backstage area and bee-lines for the trash can to vomit. The lid only opens once he has finished throwing up, splattering his vomit on the back wall.]
PAT: I can never unsee that.
[Pat walks away, staring daggers at Jake and Amir as he leaves.]
AMIR: It is memorable. Agreed.
SAM: Yeah, you guys are done at CollegeHumor. I might be done at CollegeHumor! I now have to distance myself from the two of you.
[Sam walks away, only turning back to scream a few thoughts at them.]
SAM: "Backal"?... Assholes! ...Fuck! ...My parents died in a plane crash!...
[Jake and Amir have returned to the CollegeHumor building alone. They sit in the silent office, packing up their desks. Amir picks up a pen, tries to twirl it between his fingers, and fails.]
AMIR: ...Hey, do you know any pen tricks?
JAKE: Focus on being sad. Alright? Let the feeling of failure wash over you.
[Amir makes a defensive face to dismiss Jake. Eventually, though, he leans back meditatively in his chair and takes a deep breath, taking in the situation. He nods sadly.]
AMIR: ...You jumped the carp tonight, man.
JAKE: Excuse me?
AMIR: Didn't want to say anything, [swinging the pen like a small baseball bat] but you came out swinging and whiffing! [laughs] I think we should have stuck to the original script, the original plan.
JAKE: That's what I'm saying. [picking up the original script, tossing a copy to Amir] Look at this thing! It was so easy to produce, we could have shot it ourselves on one of these.
[Jake holds up a small digital camera. He hands it to Amir, who studies it.]
AMIR: ...Huh.
JAKE: Come on. What's your first line?
[Amir clears his throat, holds the camera at arm's length to his side, and begins recording. The video they record is the 2007 Jake and Amir episode "Beer". During their read we see glimpses of Amir's recorded footage, which is that of the original episode.]
AMIR: "So drunk..."
JAKE: Uh-- "You're drunk right now?"
AMIR: "Last night, I got so drunk..."
JAKE: "Um... you-- ...nice."
AMIR: "I had, like, so many beers."
JAKE: "How many? How many is so many?"
AMIR: "I was, like, retarded."
JAKE: "How many beers did you have?"
AMIR "...Sixty."
JAKE: "Sixty? That's... sixty is way too many. That's not a believable number at all."
AMIR: "I know... how many is believable?"
JAKE: "Twelve?"
AMIR: "I know. Twelve. I had twelve beers. I was... stupid afterwards."
JAKE: "I don't think you even know-- I don't think you've had any beer, ever."
[Amir pauses, losing motivation to continue reading.]
JAKE: ...Actually, this is pretty bad.
AMIR: It was funny when we wrote it.
JAKE: Yeah, I guess so...
[They both put their copies of the script in their boxes. Amir sighs.]
JAKE: ...So what's next?
[Amir pauses for a long time as he tries to think of an answer.]
AMIR: ...Dinner tonight?
[Jake quietly contemplates Amir's offer, and takes a last look around the offices of CollegeHumor. The screen cuts to black.]
[A credits sequence for the series plays, set to My Chemical Romance's "Black Parade" (in the CollegeHumor upload, an instrumental song is used). Clips, outtakes, and behind-the-scenes footage plays behind the text.]
JAKE AND AMIR
[Outtakes of Jake and Amir cracking up, as well as clips from "Song" of Jake and Amir lip-syncing "Black Parade" (in the CollegeHumor upload, the latter is absent).]
WITH
JAKE HURWITZ
AND
AMIR BLUMENFELD
[Behind-the-scenes footage of Jon and Giancarlo filming.]
SHOT BY
JON GRIMM
AND
GIANCARLO FIORENTINI
[Clips and outtakes of Jake and Amir with all of their co-workers and guest stars who have appeared on and contributed to the show.]
WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT
MIKE SCHAUBACH
WHO TAUGHT US TO BE BETTER EDITORS AND PEOPLE.
SAM REICH
WHO FOUGHT FOR US AND DIRECTED US.
OUR PRODUCERS
JESS, SAM, ANU, DAN, STEVE, JON, AND JILL
WHO DID ALL OF THE HARD WORK.
PHIL FOX
WHO LOGGED MORE HOURS ON OUR SHOW THAN WE DID.
JEFF ROSENBERG
WHO MADE SURE OUR FIRST 500 VIDEOS PASSED THE ROSIE TEST.
DAVE ROSENBERG
WHO LOOKS LIKE JEFF. (AND MANAGED OUR TOUR.)
DAVE FISHEL
WHO SHOT AND EDITED OUR FIRST HD VIDEOS.
JOSH AND RICKY
WHO GAVE US OUR FIRST AND ONLY JOB.
BRIAN STEINBERG
WHO DEALT WITH ALL THE SERIOUS THINGS SO WE COULD FOCUS ON THE FUN STUFF.
JAKE WOULD LIKE TO THANK
DAD, MOM, HANNAH, RACHAEL, SARAH, ELIZA, MICAH, WILL, AND JILL.
AND AMIR FOR BEING THE ULTIMATE PERFORMER, FRIEND, AND MUSE.
[Episode clips of Amir hugging Jake.]
AMIR WOULD LIKE TO THANK
HIS FAMILY FOR SUPPORTING HIM (MONETARILY) FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS.
OFFER AND RAMI FOR BEING MY ONLY TWO FRIENDS WHO ARE PROBABLY READING THIS.
AND JAKE, FOR MAKING WORK MORE FUN THAN THE HOURS IN BETWEEN.
[Episode clips of Jake hugging Amir back.]
MOST IMPORTANTLY, OUR FANS
[Video footage of many Jake and Amir fans lined up to see Jake and Amir, cheering.]
WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE AT FIRST,
THEN INSPIRED US TO KEEP GOING FOR EIGHT AWESOME YEARS.
THANK YOU... WE DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.
[Video clips of Jake and Amir interacting with fans, hugging them, signing autographs, and performing at a live show.]
[At the end of the credits, there is a clip from the "Fired Commercial" outtakes. Jake and Amir are sitting on the couch.]
AMIR: Check the pixels, we nailed it!
END