INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
JAKE: Record the intro, bitch!
AMIR: I just did.
JAKE: Good!
[Jake, Amir, and a woman named Angie are in a limo.]
JAKE: This is how you premiere party, daddy!
[Amir chuckles.]
JAKE: White limo, black tie-- oh, and my plus one? She's a ten!
[Amir and Angie laugh.]
ANGIE: So what's your movie about?
AMIR: It's actually not a movie--
JAKE: [talking over Amir] "--a movie," is what he was gonna say. "It's actually not--" ...Fuck me!... Shit ass!
JAKE: Hollyweird? No, this is Hollywild. As in anything goes. [doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression] And I am Arnold. I am the Governator.
[Jake flexes his bicep and grins.]
ANGIE: Oh, you have a seed in your teeth.
JAKE: [picking his teeth] Okay. I had a bagel at home for dinner. Everything on it.
AMIR: You had an everything bagel?
JAKE: No! Listen to the story, ass. I had a plain bagel; I put everything on it. The whole shabazz. I had lox.
ANGIE: So just lox.
JAKE: Yes. Just--
AMIR: Then why do you have a seed?
JAKE: Why are you two ganging up on me right now? You guys know Gangnam Style, right? I feel like this is Ganging Style! [raising his hands to do the Gangnam Style dance] Oppa Ganging Style!
[Angie punches Jake in the face.]
JAKE: Oh! Ohh! You struck me!
ANGIE: So it's not a movie? ...So what's the TV show, then?
JAKE: Not a TV show either. It's much better than both of those things, alright? This is the internet. You ever heard of a YouTube? ...This show's gonna be on one.
ANGIE: I thought you said this was a premiere.
JAKE: I said a lot of things, okay? I said I was Adam Lambert's cousin Drew! But that-- does that mean you wouldn't be coming on this date with me if I weren't rich, connected, and famous? It's like--
[Angie opens the door of the limo and jumps out. Sounds of car horns and swerving can be heard off-screen.]
AMIR: Ohh!
JAKE: No! N-- ohh, freak-- come on!
[Jake is snorting something off his wrist.]
JAKE: Ohh!
AMIR: Whoa! Was that cocaine?
JAKE: Nah, dude. Powdered sugar. But we gotta get used to snorting something!
JAKE: [yelling out the door of the limo] Get in the car. Angie, come on. Look, I really am cousins with Lambert, Angie! Yeah! His mom is my dad's brother's wife. Y-- ...it's not by blood, you're right, Angie. Just get in the car-- get in the goddamn c--
JAKE: Do you even know how many dates I've had jump from moving friggin' cars on my ass?
AMIR: Five?
JAKE: Good guess. Four. It's still, like... it's still a lot. It's still too much, 'cause I've been on, like, six dates in the past couple years, and four of them j-- five, if you count her.
JAKE: Driver! Ass! Will you please pull over for three goddamn seconds! Okay? So I can stay in one Tinder radius? Our date literally just bailed on us.
AMIR: Us?
JAKE: I was gonna offer you a menage.
AMIR: What?
[Jake nods.]
AMIR: Nooo!
JAKE: Nooo!
JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Nooo!
JAKE: Hello? TMZ? Hey, how's it goin'. I'm calling to request some paparazzo at an event tonight. It's a premiere party... Oh, will celebrities be there?... Well gee whiz, why don't I put you on the phone with Adam Lambert's cousin.
[Amir motions for Jake to give him the phone and let him do the voice. Jake pushes him away.]
JAKE: [barely disguising his voice] Hello, Drew speaking.
AMIR: [quietly] Nice.
JAKE: Hel-- ...they hung up... they hung up... because of you! And your "nice"! ...Go to the front of the limo. Sit shotgun, bitch.
JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Nooo!
JAKE: [excitedly taking off his tuxedo jacket] Oh boy! Alright, come on, dude, we're here! Let's do this!
AMIR: What are you doing?
JAKE: Reader's Digest calls it "disheveled after-party look", the style of mid-2015. Or was Wilmer Valderrama at his accountant's twin sons' b'nai mitzvah not styling?
AMIR: "Disheveled after-party look"?
JAKE: A messed-up tux for these dumb fucks makes the ladies go "yuck!" ...I tossed the salad of a duck. At a dayve.
AMIR: A dayve?
JAKE: Day rave, dude. The second-coolest kind of rave.
AMIR: How much sugar did you snort?
JAKE: You know, it was a lot, and I also skipped dinner. I lied about the bagel, lied about the lox. All I had was a seed.
END
[An outtake/extended cut of an earlier scene.]
JAKE: [raising his hands to do the Gangnam Style dance] Oppa Ganging Style!
[Angie punches Jake in the face.]
JAKE: Oh! Ohh! You struck me! [laughing] For real, in the head!
ANGIE: [laughing, holding Jake's head] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!
AMIR: [laughing] That was so real!
JAKE: [laughing] ...I have a concussion!