INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Alright, alright, that was great. Let's do it one more time.
JAKE: Nope, we're good.
AMIR: All rice.
[Jake and Amir are sitting on a couch.]
AMIR: [directly to the viewer] Casting is important. In a way, it determines which actors play which parts.
JAKE: The last thing I said to you was "casting is important; it determines which actors play which parts". You just regurgitated that back to me, adding "in a way", which made it incorrect.
AMIR: Let's watch the tapes.
JAKE: Fine.
[We see that Jake and Amir have set up a TV to watch the audition tapes. Rick Fox has sent one in. Amir points excitedly at the TV and looks at Jake.]
RICK FOX: This is, uh, three-time NBA champion Rick Fox, auditioning for the role of Amir's bookie. Oh, and... another note: I am not a chicken, my wife's not a chicken, and my kids are not eggs... alright--
[Clucking noises come from off-screen.]
RICK FOX: Baby! I'm auditioning! [puts his finger to his lips] You gotta be quiet.
AMIR: I like that.
JAKE: I think he's a chicken.
[The next audition tape is Mike Fink's.]
MIKE: Hey, this is Mike Fink, auditioning for the role of Shia LaBeouf.
AMIR: [grabbing Jake's shoulders] Shia! The Beef!
JAKE: That's not him, and he can't hear you.
AMIR: To have an opportunity to have an A-list celebrity in this script to have?
JAKE: ...What?
MIKE: Just to be clear, I am not Shia LaBeouf.
AMIR: Okay. Yeah, right! [laughs] And I'm not-- ...I don't know the correlation, like, which one makes it s-- I know he is Shia.
[Next is Streeter Seidell's tape.]
STREETER: Hey guys! Uh, what a fun idea! I'm just gettin' the sides here now... Uh, [adopting a British accent] so this is Streeter Seidell, auditioning for the role, [laughs, drops the accent, then looks at the script] of Eater Pie-Fell. Eater P-- what the fuck, guys!
AMIR: Ah, no. I bet he loves this, actually, 'cause his tears taste salty, and he'll just eat it.
STREETER: [crying, eating a whole pie] You did this to me! I can't believe I'm gonna send this in! Why would I send this in?
[Next is Sarah Schneider's tape.]
SARAH: Hey guys! So happy you thought of me for the role of [air quotes] "Sexy Babe That Makes Out with Jake Hard"...
[Jake grins at Amir.]
SARAH: ...but there's no way I want that part. Bye!
JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] Fuck!
[Next is Hoodie Allen's tape.]
HOODIE: Hi, uh, this is Hoodie Allen, reading for the role of Amir's rap teacher. Thank you.
[Amir gives a thumbs-up to the projector screen.]
HOODIE: [rapping] Part of the darkness, I'm harder than dark, miss. Nowhere a family, but a dog's gotta bark, sis! Colder than cold; merry aardvark jizzmas. Jizzin' on you until you're jizzless.
JAKE: Weird rap.
HOODIE: This is amazing. Poignant, too. I need this role.
AMIR: I think he nailed it.
[Next is Doobs's tape.]
DOOBS: Hello.
[Amir gasps.]
DOOBS: [with dogs in his lap now] My name is Cock-Smoke Dingleberry Tiny Penis All-Male Orgy Fudge out of a Hole into Your Own Mouth Anthony Smith. Try making fun of that, A-gweerje!
AMIR: Nice try, Smitty!
DOOBS: Oooh, curse you all to hell and back, with your butt dragging on the ground, like... [points at one of the dogs] ...a dog.
JAKE: How is this happening? It was pre-recorded!
DOOBS: I won't be auditioning for the part of... Doobs...
AMIR: What? No! You can't go off-book!
DOOBS: I'll be auditioning for the part of Amir's father's tiny, slithery, withered legs!
AMIR: What? No, I'll--
DOOBS: [singing] Oydle-doydle-droodle-dreidel, bagel, lox... I'm Amir's father's legs! Oodly-doodly-doydle!
AMIR: I'll kill you!
[Amir puts his hands together in the air as if strangling somebody. Inexplicably, Doobs begins choking and gasping for air on the tape.]
JAKE: ...Let go of him!
DOOBS: Amir, no! ...Think of all we've accomplished together! [to the dog] Do something!
AMIR: Die, you beautiful bastard!
DOOBS: No, Amir! Not like this! Not... like... goygle...
[Doobs slumps down in his chair, presumably dead.]
JAKE: Holy shit, you killed Doobs?
[Amir stares at his hands in shock.]
[Amir is getting a call. He dances along to the ringtone.]
JAKE: Don't get that.
[Amir answers.]
AMIR: Mickey, my friend! Yup, we just reviewed your tape, Mickey.
JAKE: No we didn't.
AMIR: You know what we thought, Mickey? I'll tell you what we thought, Mickey. Uh, we thought the same thing Olivier thought when he discovered Brando, Mickey: that we feel like we have a star on our hands, and we don't want to fuck it up, Mickey! Mickey, there is so much untapped potential within you, Mickey! I had no idea, Mickey! [crying] I just... I want to do you proud, Mickey, because I know you'll do us proud. That's why, Mickey! In fact, we just got off the phone with your manager, your agent, and your lawyer. They held our feet to the flame, and we gave in a hundred and ten percent! You got points on the back end, Mickey! [laughs] You got points on the front end! My lawyer didn't know what to do with himself! He was beside himself, Mickey! And I said as soon as you see what-- what I saw in this guy that I had known for my entire life, Mickey, I just-- I had no idea, Mickey! It was beautiful to see, Mickey, this transformation! When did you vacation in a cocoon and emerge as a beautiful butterfly, Mickey? Go to deadline.com, Mickey. Go to deadline.com right now, Mickey. It's a Hollywood-style gossip blogzine, Mickey, and you, my friend, are on the front page. The picture they used is a little outdated, but the headline is very much so loud and clear: Hollywood's New A-List Celeb! You're the talk of the town, Mickey! You know why, Mickey? 'Cause you're the star of our fucking short, Mickey! You're the star of our new web series, do you see it? You don't see it yet? G-- hit Refresh, Mickey! Command-R, Mickey? Maybe hold down Shift while you refresh, Mickey, so that it busts the cache, Mickey? Still nothin', huh, Mickey? You know why, Mickey? 'Cause it's not on deadline.com, Mickey! 'Cause we d-- ...because you sucked, Mickey! Your read was flat, Mickey, it was uninspired, Mickey, and you're frankly not that good of an actor, Mickey! Truth be told, we didn't even review your fucking tape, Mickey, that's how sure I am that ya suck, Mickey! Goodbye, Mickey! Goodbye forever... Mickey!
[Amir hangs up.]
[On the other end, we see Mickey, played by Ed Helms. Mickey hangs up the phone.]
MICKEY: [laughs] Oh, Amir. You get me every time...
[Mickey starts crying.]
MICKEY: Come on, Mickey! ...Get it together, man... don't let him suck you in again.
[Mickey sits silently in his office.]
AMIR: I'm gonna miss that guy.
END