'Jake and Amir Finale Part 2: Ben Schwartz' starring Ben Schwartz
INTRO:
BEN Schwartz: Dreams do come true, and nightmares too: here's Jerk and a Bear.
Jake and Amir are sitting behind a laptop
AMIR: What the fug is this shif?
JAKE: It's a script, man, you helped write it... Don't!
Amir picks up the laptop and throws it against the wall
JAKE: Are you kidding me? That was my personal computer, you piece of shit.
AMIR: You're trying to type-cast me as some sort of loveable fool! I'm not gonna have it, at one point you-you had me throwing a computer against the wall.
JAKE: Fine, what do you want the episode to be about?
AMIR: About how I'm coool!
JAKE: You loser.
AMIR: Art imitating me...
JAKE: Okay, fine, "Interior: Office", what are you saying?
AMIR: I'm bragging, about how I can drink like a skunk.
JAKE: Why is that funny? And why is that cool?
AMIR: This is exactly why I invited my friend here. He's a real Hollywood movie writer, he can help.
JAKE: I don't wanna meet any of your friends.
AMIR gesturing to the door: Oh. He's right here.
Ben Schwartz walks into the room, Jake jumps out of his seat
JAKE: Oh! No no no no, get out of here man! You're a pervert!
BEN: I'm so confused, what's going on?
AMIR to Jake: Do you, know this guy?
JAKE: Know this guy- yeah, (pointing at Ben) you're not gonna suck my dick again!
BEN: Wow!
JAKE: Alright, buddy?
BEN: Huge jump- why would I suck your dick?
AMIR: Somebody tried to suck his dick last year-
JAKE: Tried to? Somebody did, okay? And it was you- what's your name? Watch this.
BEN: I have a totally normal name.
JAKE: Yeah? What is it?
BEN: You wanna know my name?
JAKE: Yeah.
BEN: My name is... Ben Schwartz.
JAKE: Ben Schwartz-what though?
BEN: That's it.
JAKE: Ben Scwartz-scroodily-doody? Ben Schwartz... uh... hippity-holo... hologram?
BEN pausing, looking confused: No. (at Amir) So I'm gonna talk to you for the rest of the time, is that fine?
AMIR: So here's the situation, CollegeHumor's asking us to write the first episode in a webseries, okay? We want it to be great, something that can potentially last for, I don't know, eight years?
BEN: Eight years? That seems reasonable. Uuuuh, how 'bout this, I'll give you some tips.
AMIR: That'd be great.
BEN: Alright cool, one of the tips I'd say is maybe one of you guys is really obsessed with the other one.
Amir points knowingly at Jake
BEN: Is he super into you all the time? Twenty-four-seven?
AMIR: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
BEN: I love that, I love that! And maybe it'd be like on of you guys is- just to keep with the theme- obsessed with a food product-
AMIR laughing: Okay
BEN: Like chicken nuggets maybe?
AMIR: Dude!
BEN: Are you into 'em?
AMIR high fiving Ben: That's like (laughs) I eat that shit always!
BEN: You know what else you should do? You should have a catch phrase.
AMIR: Ooh, I like that.
BEN: You need one a lot like '80s or '90s television, like Urkel, in Family Matters'd be like:
BEN: "Did I do that?"
//
JAKE: "And I did that!"
BEN to Jake: No, you don't have to say it after me, and also you said it wrong. So, just for next time, it's: "Did I do that?"
JAKE: Oh I did that!
BEN: Stop. You don't have to repeat it after me, but just so you don't get embarrassed when you're in front of your friends, its- let's do it beat by beat: "Did"
JAKE: "Did"
BEN: Alright, "I"-
JAKE: -and I did that!
BEN looking puzzled: No... Alright... Or like a different catch-phrase, you know what's a great one? In Cheers, every time George Wendt came into the bar they'd scream:
BEN and AMIR: "Norm!"
JAKE: Gnome!
BEN: Norm
JAKE: DAN!
BEN: Stop. You can see my lips are saying "Norm"-
JAKE: And I did that!
BEN pausing: Ok, it doesn't matter
JAKE: Alright.
BEN: You know what would help us with all of this?
AMIR: What?
BEN: I have roommates back at home. Wanna go over there?
AMIR: I'd be down.
BEN: Yeah.
JAKE: Yeah right, let me guess- the only way we can get back to your place is if you put your lips on my dick and blow me there.
BEN looking shocked at Jake: ...nah. (To Amir) Do you want to head out?
AMIR: Yes.
BEN: Right.
Amir and Ben leave the room.
JAKE: I'm- down to go too. I have to swing by anc get a new laptop at the muffin, but, then we go.
Jake, Amir and Ben are walking up to Ben's front door.
BEN: I don't want to put my hand on your dick, Jake. You're gonna love these dudes, they're so cool.
AMIR: What kind of animal do they drink like?
BEN shrugging: Skunks.
Amir pumps his fist
BEN: Okay.
They open the front door to Ben's house
BEN: Ah, these, are my roommates.
Ben's house is populated by previous characters played by Ben Scwartz during the series, including the milkman
MILKMAN: Milkman.
They turn their heads towards a couch where more characters are seated, including the real estate agent from the 'Real Estate Agent' episodes
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Eeehhhhh!
Jake is shaking his head as Amir gasps and turns towards him