INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching the end of an era.
JAKE: Chill, man.
AMIR: I am chill! Sorry. I am chill.
[The episode begins with a tracking shot through the office, where all of the employees are trying to work in spite of a loud argument taking place between Jake and Amir, who are still off-screen.]
JAKE: Don't yell at me. Okay, buddy? You asked for my thoughts, and now you're immediately telling--
AMIR: Shhh!
JAKE: You're shushing me? Are you kidding?
AMIR: Yeah, because opinions are like assholes: ya are one! And they stink, and so do you!
JAKE: Nice, you butchered that phrase!
AMIR: No.
JAKE: Okay, why do you think you're wearing a good outfit for work?
AMIR: Because it's healthy, dingus! My cousin Leron has a friend Chard who's a personal trainer!
JAKE: He has a friend named Chard?
AMIR: That's right. He's Swiss!
JAKE: Swiss Chard.
AMIR: Mm-hmm!
JAKE: Good. Go home.
AMIR: No!
JAKE: Go home and change.
AMIR: No, I have to work in it!
JAKE: You have to work in that! Wow.
AMIR: I have to work out in it! Yeah!
[The tracking shot ends, and Amir is revealed to be wearing a baggy silver sweat suit.]
JAKE: You're not working out in it, you're just--
AMIR: It doesn't matter. The one issue, honestly, is that it's a little hot. It's steamy. But--
JAKE: That's the sole purpose of the suit. It's supposed to be a sweat suit.
AMIR: --it is shiny. I like that it's shiny, and actually, I trust Chard.
JAKE: You trust him?
AMIR: I do trust Chard, because he has a record label.
SAM: [standing in the doorway of his office] Guys! My office, now!
[Jake and Amir are sitting in Sam's office.]
AMIR: [doing a voice] What seems to be the problem here, officer? [laughs]
SAM: You guys haven't done any work in the last eight years, and you're fired.
JAKE/AMIR: Excuse...?
SAM: You come into work, mainly only on Tuesdays, you argue loudly, disrupting the entire team, and you have never contributed to this company...
JAKE: That's not true, sir.
SAM: ...ever.
JAKE: That is not true, and you know it. Alright, we've had two auditions at least, and, um, one or two table reads as well.
SAM: That is three to four instances of work in the last eight years.
AMIR: Sorry, let me try to wrap my cock around this: you're saying me and you are done professionally?
JAKE: Bad joke.
AMIR: [laughing] It's not a joke! It's not a joke. Not everything is a joke.
JAKE: Are you gonna say you didn't say that hoping people would laugh?
AMIR: Nobody did laugh, though.
SAM: You see what you're doing? Even now you're arguing, and I'm firing you.
AMIR: Give us one chance, dude, okay? One more opportunity. Mom's spaghetti. I swear we'll write not just one episode for you, but an entire web series... eight hundred fucking episodes.
JAKE: Way too many.
SAM: Jesus.
AMIR: And they'll be cheap, too. Because all of them will be Jake and I, chatting.
JAKE: [sarcastically] Awesome pitch. That sounds really good.
AMIR: Yeah! It'll be me and you talking.
JAKE: Just talking at our desks?
AMIR: Mm-hmm!
JAKE: [giving Amir a thumbs-up] Yeah, I wanna watch that.
AMIR: [laughing] I do!
SAM: This could work... I mean, you did kick Jake's tongue off last year.
AMIR: [laughing] See? That's an episode! Another one could be, is if I'm, uh, a mime, or... I get a dog, or, uh, if I, one c-- one could be if I have a snake or bread.
JAKE: You're just saying nouns, dude.
AMIR: It's all funny, though, because if it's--
JAKE: Well focus on one episode.
AMIR: So think ab--
JAKE: Let's make one episode funny, rather than just finish all eight hundred--
AMIR: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no!
SAM: This... is the show.
SAM/AMIR: ...This... is the show. This is the show.
SAM/JAKE/AMIR: This is the show!
SAM: Stop it. I am with you guys. I'm willing to experiment with this, but I agree with Jake.
AMIR: Thi--
SAM: Eight hundred episodes is too many. I mean, you can't just take the same format, and do it over and over, and over... and over.
JAKE: That's enough.
SAM: Let's give one a shot and see how it comes out, and take it from there.
AMIR: Sam, I have a feeling you're gonna love the first episode of Amir and Jake!
SAM: Hmm. That name... [crossing his hands over each other, implying a reversal] ...is perfect.
JAKE: It's not bad, but what about J--
SAM: Perfect!
END