INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Hide your kids, hide your wife!
JAKE: From what?
AMIR: Everything.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is in a hazmat suit, with his gas mask pulled up above his face. He's wearing latex gloves, which he did not put on carefully enough to get his fingers in properly.]
AMIR: [mouthing] Bad idea...
[Jake doesn't react. Amir cups his hands around his mouth and repeats himself at full volume.]
AMIR: Bad idea!
JAKE: You knew I wasn't gonna take the bait, so you yelled it at me, huh? What's a bad idea? You wearing that to work?
AMIR: No, you knowingly getting Ebola, to the office.
JAKE: You're so behind on everything! No one's talking about Ebola anymore.
AMIR: I'm still fearful.
JAKE: Of course you are.
AMIR: I'm paranoid!
JAKE: Yeah, you're paranoid of what? Ebola in Los Angeles? You're not at risk here, in this office.
AMIR: [holding up his hands, making a buzzer sound] Daaanhh! Wrong, okay? [gesturing with his fists, while the gloves' fingers flap everywhere] Ebola is an epidemic, which means you're at risk everywhere! Okay? Last time I checked, you weren't Superman! [laughing] Though you're pretty frickin' close...
JAKE: What the hell is the matter with your hands?
AMIR: What?
JAKE: They look disfigured.
AMIR: They're not.
JAKE: Do you know how to put on gloves?
AMIR: Yeah, ya... [tries to demonstrate putting on gloves] ...squeeze 'em up.
JAKE: Forget it. Can you type in that?
AMIR: No. Not really, no. At all.
JAKE: So why did you open your computer? What work are you doing right now?
AMIR: Is it important for me to do work, or is it important for me to be alive? I think it's... I think alive is actually pretty crucial.
JAKE: You know, you're at work. You're at your job, so it's pretty crucial for you to be doing your work.
AMIR: Question, everyone: Who thinks it's important for me to be alive? [chuckles]
[Nobody reacts.]
AMIR: Obviously they're not paying attention. Everyone's always... y-you go out to dinner, and everyone's like: [pretending to text] "Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah." No one's ever, like, listening--
JAKE: Who here thinks Amir should die?
[Many people raise their hand.]
AMIR: Ohh! That smarts!
JAKE: What makes you think you, of all people, are at risk for Ebola?
AMIR: Glad you asked! Leron teased the nurse returning from Liberia to the point where she actually hurled her own feces at him! [laughs] Later on, Leron and I French kissed in front of a security camera as a goof, and I fear some of the original Ebola-infected feces went from his throat into mine.
JAKE: If that's all true, then you deserve to have Ebola.
AMIR: Excuse...?
JAKE: ...Never say that again.
AMIR: How do you figure, is all?
JAKE: You're teasing a nurse--
AMIR: No.
JAKE: --who's coming back from Liberia, she went there to help--
AMIR: No, no, no, no, no! Listen to the case, dude! Leron was teasing a nurse--
JAKE: Leron teased the nurse.
AMIR: Leron teased the nurse.
JAKE: Fine. You Frenched him.
AMIR: I Frenched-- yeah. I French kissed my cousin Leron.
JAKE: Okay-- after he had shit in his mouth, and he didn't wash it out!
AMIR: As a goof. As a goof, I French kissed--
JAKE: As a goof-- it doesn't matter! You're su-- you're-- it's implicit support, is what it is, of his bad actions--
AMIR: I'm tongue-kissing him. Okay? I'm tongue-kissing him--
JAKE: I caught that part! I--
AMIR: --and then I'm afraid that some of the shit in his mouth went into my tongue.
JAKE: Do you think I don't understand what happened? I'm saying that those--
AMIR: You're saying I teased the nurse. Like I'm a nurse-teaser.
JAKE: I got one thing wrong. I got the Frenching right, though.
AMIR: Yeah, I--
JAKE: Because you French kissed your cousin--
AMIR: As a goof--
JAKE: --As a goof--
JAKE/AMIR: [simultaneously] --on camera.
JAKE: Die, then.
[Amir vomits.]
AMIR: Don't say shit like that, or I'll quarantine your ass!
END