INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching-- aah, Jake and Amir. Ow.
JAKE: You're dying.
AMIR: Yeah.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has two black eyes, a large head bandage, a neck brace, and a full body cast. He is sitting in a wheelchair.]
JAKE: ...Why even come in to work?
AMIR: I can still get jobs done. Voice commands, job commands, and all that stuff.
JAKE: You never do any work, ever. And today, the one day it seems like you really should be at home doing nothing, now you want to come in and do... "job commands"? That's not even a thing you can do!
AMIR: [to his computer] Google, compose a tweet...
JAKE: So already you're not doing work.
AMIR: [to his computer] ..."My best friend is being a dickling." Hashtag: How in the world is that fair, I mean, he sees that I'm in a frickin' full body cast, for cryin' out sakes!
JAKE: Such a long hashtag. I bet you went over the character limit.
COMPUTER: [in an automated voice] Sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say--
AMIR: Idiot! No-- Google search: "How do I get my best friend to appreciate me?"
JAKE: Is this the kind of thing you search for when you're not using voice commands?
AMIR: Google, search "getting the sympathy vote"--
JAKE: How is any of this work?
AMIR: You want to know how I got these scars?
JAKE: I want you to go home, and I don't want you to come back 'til you're better, and I don't mean from these injuries. I don't want you to come back until you're a better, well-rounded person.
AMIR: [rapping to the beat of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme] ...In Northern Buffalo, born and raised. In a wood shed is where I spent all of my days!
JAKE: So sad. I'm so sad for you, but skip ahead. Alright? The story doesn't have to start at the beginning.
AMIR: These black eyes were given to me by two black guys. Yeah! And I was put in a wheelchair by someone with real hair!
JAKE: ...Good...?
AMIR: Not to mention the cast on my arm! I was dealt blast, that meant harm! Comedy of errors? Nah, this was a dramedy of terrors!
JAKE: This isn't a story. Alright? You're just rhyming. It's so cryptic.
AMIR: I just-- I'm not myself, okay? I haven't had my breakfast yet.
JAKE: This danish?
AMIR: That's right.
[Amir leans over awkwardly and tries to maneuver his mouth to a danish that he has on a plate beside his computer.]
AMIR: Ow. Oww! Ohhh!
JAKE: Come on, just ask somebody to help you.
AMIR: [sitting up, with danish all over his face] Why? I'm handi-capable. [spits out pieces of the danish] Besides, what's a balanced breakfast without some cereal? Here we go!
[Amir leans down again, grabs a bowl of cereal by biting the lip of the bowl, and sits up. Milk and cereal pour all over him.]
AMIR: ...Yummers!
JAKE: Why did you choose today to have cereal for breakfast?
AMIR: Please don't talk to me until I've had my coffee.
JAKE: Don't do that...
AMIR: One cup, freshly brewed! Coming right up! [leans over]
JAKE: Easy, buddy--
[Amir bites the lip of his coffee cup and tips it all over himself.]
AMIR: [screaming] Gaaah!
JAKE: Mmm... you okay?
AMIR: Yeah.
[Amir starts trying to scoot in his wheelchair.]
JAKE: Just sit still.
[Amir scoots too hard and falls to the floor.]
AMIR: Oh! ...Google, compose a tweet: "I am wet, scared, burned, and coy."
COMPUTER: Playing song: "I Love Jake".
AMIR: No, Google! No!
AMIR'S SONG: "He's got that blond hair that I love! Those blue eyes that I can't get enough of! He's Jake! Jake!"
AMIR: Pause, Google! Pause!
COMPUTER: Deleting song...
AMIR: What? Nooo!
END