INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Buy high, sell low!
JAKE: Dumb advice.
AMIR: Okay!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is doing something on his laptop.]
AMIR: Oh, fuck me in my shrimp dick. Here we go.
JAKE: What happened?
AMIR: [mocking Jake] Banana!
JAKE: Bad job of mocking me. You think I said "banana"?
AMIR: [trying to slide a Bluetooth headset onto his ear, then just opting to hold it there] I should have seen this coming a mile away, with the frickin' Nikkei free fall.
JAKE: Nikkei?
AMIR: Nikkei! Yeah, the Tokyo stock market is tanking so hard, it's gonna take all the yellowtail in the Tsukiji fish market just to put a finger in this dike!
JAKE: Do you know how to put on a Bluetooth?
AMIR: I have a weird ear.
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: And it's not before long that all my clients are gonna be up shit's creek and using me as a paddle! [pulling out a rain poncho and giving it to Jake] In fact, take this poncho! It'll help you from the impending shitstorm!
JAKE: Did you bring a poncho to work for that joke?
AMIR: Here we go-- [on the Bluetooth] Hamburger! Hi, how's my favorite client doing? [laughs] No, listen, dude. I'm lookin' at it too, but this is what we were talkin' about after Cirque du Soleil!
JAKE: Weird spot for a client meeting.
AMIR: Sorry, can I call you back? [to Jake] What was that?
JAKE: What?
AMIR: That shit about the weird client meeting place.
JAKE: A circus?
AMIR: Yeah! It's an experience, a full-body high.
JAKE: Did you get off the phone 'cause I said that?
AMIR: It's just-- I don't interrupt your work.
JAKE: Are you kidding? You're screaming into a Bluetooth right now!
AMIR: Hold that thought-- [on the Bluetooth] La-la-la-la-la-Lasagna!
JAKE: All your clients are food.
AMIR: [laughing] Let me call you back. [to Jake] Leave!
JAKE: I'm making asides to myself. If you can't ignore that distraction, you shouldn't be having multiple jobs, right?
AMIR: I would kick your ass if I didn't love you so much-- oh! Here we go. This is the phone call we've all been waiting for.
JAKE: Let me guess...
AMIR: [on the Bluetooth] Mickey, my friend!
JAKE: That's him.
AMIR: Listen to me, Mickey. Now is no time to get scared, Mickey, okay? Adolf Hitler killed himself, Mickey, and history remembers him as a coward, Mickey!
JAKE: Excuse you!
AMIR: You haven't lost anything until you sell, Mickey, and I, as your broker, am not gonna let you do that, Mickey! You know why, Mickey? 'Cause I got a tip so hot I call it Satan's foreskin, Mickey! Okay? This is a hot, hot, hot, hot, hot tip, Mickey!
JAKE: He knows his name! Okay? You don't have to say it so fucking much!
AMIR: You wanna be a billionaire, Mickey? So fucking bad, Mickey? Then let me pull the trigger, Mickey! Okay? This company's selling for pennies on the dollar, and I could turn these coins into golden doubloons for you and yours, Mickey! You ask your wife for permission, and this deal goes away, Mickey. Okay? You don't think I can walk this deal over to Hamburger? You don't think I can trike it over to Lasagna?
JAKE: "Trike"?
AMIR: It doesn't matter to me which one of my clients makes that cheese, Mickey, 'cause I'm still eatin' crackers like we're puttin' on the Ritz, Mickey! Don't put-- ...fine, put her on the phone, Mickey. You coward. Prick! Jerk!
JAKE: How is Mickey married?
AMIR: Minnie, my friend!
JAKE; No way.
AMIR: I don't know what you heard from Mickey, Minnie, but I have a very, very, very reliable lead, Minnie!
JAKE: Mickey's married to Minnie?
AMIR: I'm not being goofy, Minnie! I have a lead for you, Minnie, and she is true, Minnie! You know about the A.P. Moller - Maersk Group, Minnie? Largest dry shipping container co. on God's green earth? Who do you think does sysops for them? [pause] System operations, you dumb ho. Who do you think makes Maersk go tick tick tick, so that they never go tick tick boom? [pause] That's right, Minnie, and I have an in with Kobenhavn!
JAKE: She knew who did it?
AMIR: [to Jake] What?
JAKE: She knew who did sysops for Maersk?
AMIR: [on the Bluetooth] Okay, good! Put Mickey back on so we can pump and dump this company to the tune of 2.1 million shares!
JAKE: ...You are no.
AMIR: Mickey, my friend, all systems appear to be go. Can you pull the trigger with me, Mickey? Can you turn you key with mine, Mickey, and mine with yours, Mickey? Are you ready to be independently wealthy for life, Mickey? Here we go, three, two, one... [hits a key] ...and you're broke, Mickey.
JAKE: Asshole.
AMIR: You flew too close to the Sun and now you're bankrupt, Mickey. Goodbye, Mickey. [hangs up, throws the Bluetooth onto the desk] Goodbye. [pause] Fuck. Sometimes I feel bad about the way I treat his sick ass. Constantly... trolling him.
END