INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching a very clean episode of Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Fuck yeah!
JAKE: Nice.
[Jake and Amir are in a laundry room.]
JAKE: Alright, you're gonna learn how to do your laundry.
AMIR: Washing is fine. It's drying that's trying!
JAKE: You're wearing sopping wet pants that smell like vinegar. I don't think you're good at either.
AMIR: A clothesline? That takes time!
JAKE: Focus.
AMIR: I am!
JAKE: Not on rhyming.
AMIR: Okay.
JAKE: Alright, first thing's first. You want to separate your darks from your lights.
AMIR: Wow, racist much.
JAKE: [pulling a flag out of the basket] You have a Confederate flag in your laundry.
AMIR: [grabbing the flag] Coward!
JAKE: You are one.
AMIR: You are one!
JAKE: You are one!
[Amir is taking off his clothes.]
JAKE: These clothes stay on. These ones stay on!
AMIR: These ones are the dirtiest!
AMIR: [holding a pair of women's underwear in front of Jake] Oh, how embarrassing! A woman's underwear. I wonder how that got in there-- oh, maybe it was from a one-night stand I had with a 10!
JAKE: [grabbing the underwear] You know what? This is embarrassing, 'cause I saw you open a new package of women's underwear, smell them, crumple them up, and put them in the bottom of the bag. You fake-dropped them on the floor in front of me twice, hoping I would notice, then you finally just dangled them in front of my face and said "how embarrassing". You are a loser.
AMIR: In retrospect, she might have been a 9.
JAKE: Do you want to wash them or not?
AMIR: I do not. [grabs the underwear and smells it]
[Jake has begun the cycle. He and Amir stand in uncomfortable silence. Amir is naked.]
AMIR: How'd the hipster burn his mouth?
JAKE: I don't want to talk to you while you're naked.
AMIR: He drank coffee before it was cool!
JAKE: Nice.
AMIR: ...Do you mean that? The "nice" thing? I'm seriously asking for a friend.
[Amir bangs his head against the washer over and over again.]
AMIR: Some of these clothes are pee-proof, others, dry-clean only.
JAKE: None of your clothes are either, okay? It's just cotton clothing. You reek of piss.
AMIR: Eureka! [laughs] Sorry. It just sounded like you said "eu--"
JAKE: You smell like pee.
AMIR: I know.
AMIR: Tickle fight!
[Amir tickles Jake, who reflexively punches him in the face. Amir is out cold.]
[Amir pulls out his khakis, still with the stain on them.]
JAKE: Oh! Come on, I thought you washed those!
AMIR: I put them in the hamper! Though I feel like I can get one more wear out of these twats.
JAKE: Burn them.
AMIR: You'd love that, wouldn't ya. [holds the pants up to Jake's face]
JAKE: [recoiling] I would.
JAKE: [to an unconscious Amir] Hey... I was kidding, man! Come on. Get up, you... come on!
[Jake bends down and tickles Amir.]
JAKE: Tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle...
[Amir giggles loudly.]
AMIR: [blowing soap suds at Jake] Come on! Ever been to a foam party?
JAKE: You know, you ruined all your clothes, you broke your washer, it's gonna cost you a lot of money.
AMIR: To get into the club? I don't think so! Not if I bring in tits and slits! Okay? It's called being a promoter.
JAKE: You can't talk without being bad.
AMIR: [dancing] Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz!
AMIR: Why is it that washing always costs more than drying?
JAKE: Washing takes more power, maybe? Water? To run the machine?
AMIR: Mmm, no. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
JAKE: Dick.
AMIR: What?
JAKE: Dick.
AMIR: Oh, okay. I thought you said something mean.
[Amir is still banging his head against the washer.]
JAKE: You're insane.
[Amir is having a party in the laundry room with two women. Dance music is playing.]
AMIR: [laughing] Yeah!
JAKE: How?
AMIR: Embrace it, dude! I'm a promoter!
END