INTRO
AMIR: Hi, you and the NSA are watching Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Paranoid.
AMIR: Hi, Obama!
JAKE: Delusions of grandeur.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir is looking at him and slapping his fingers lazily against his other palm in a feeble attempt at clapping.]
AMIR: Hmm! Congrats, grad!
JAKE: Bad clap.
AMIR: You're getting the new iPhone! Amazing!
JAKE: It's 12:14, you just got here thirty seconds ago, and you're already ready to interrupt the day.
AMIR: [doing some sort of variant on air quotes with his hands] By the way, there's no such thing as a "free upgrade".
JAKE: Yo have the worst hands I've ever seen on a man.
AMIR: [gesturing with his fingers curled like claws] Because you're paying for your shit--
JAKE: Keep them under the desk.
AMIR: [with his hands under the desk] --with your privacy!
JAKE: Don't take a stance anymore. On anything.
AMIR: You know Steve Jobs spies on you, right? That every little camera on that phone is a peephole for Jobs to peep your peep while you sleep?
JAKE: Steve Jobs is dead.
AMIR: Good.
JAKE: Ass.
AMIR: You know the iPhone 6 actually has a bigger screen. [making a circle with his thumb and finger, looking through] All the better to spee you with, my dear!
JAKE: "Spee"?
AMIR: Spee and sy!
JAKE: "Spee and sy"?
AMIR: Spee and spy!
JAKE: "Spee and spy".
AMIR: See and sy!
JAKE: Still, you're using the word "spee", so what are you mixing it with?
AMIR: Spee and sy-- see and spy!
JAKE: "See and spy".
AMIR: As in, be inspired... fuckward!
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: Let me shatter your perfect world for a second. Every time you had phone sex on that phone of yours, it was actually an orgy. A group orgy. Yeah, there's not just corporate spies on the line, man! There's legit frickin' government agendas reading your sex and getting off to every adjective! "What are you wearing?" I'll tell you what it is! It's the new Apple iCloak! [slowly getting more high-pitched] But it's not invisibility, it's actually visibility! AKA, the visible ability... for Apple Geniuses... to get off! Jerk off! Nut to you! [laughing]
JAKE: Shut up! What's funny? Why do you believe this, and why would you be amused?
[Amir holds up his iPhone, which has a card taped to it.]
AMIR: Smile! [takes a picture] You're on Dipshit Camera! I just got a picture of the biggest dumbass I know.
JAKE: Was it a selfie?
AMIR: Fuck off. What's that supposed to mean, "was it a selfie"?
JAKE: It's a joke. Come on.
AMIR: [doing an accent] When we designed the new iPhone, we had one facet that had to be absolutely necessary, and that was the fact that we wanted to jerk off!
JAKE: Your dick's actually out!
AMIR: So we put a camera here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, everywhere! [laughing]
JAKE: There are just two cameras. Alright? Stop adding your own cameras. By the way, you have an iPhone. You're holding it right now.
AMIR: Mine's jailbroken, you fucking idiot! It's running Linux, Java!
JAKE: Is your social security card taped to the back of it?
AMIR: Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm! You know why? So that I don't lose it, dipshit!
JAKE: You're a dipshit. I never even said I wanted the new iPhone.
AMIR: Good. 'Cause every front-facing camera, of which there are probably a baker's dozen--
JAKE: There aren't.
AMIR: --is a glory hole for Jobs, Woz, and Spielberg to fuck you with.
JAKE: You think Steve Spielberg wants to fuck you through the front-facing camera of your iPhone?
AMIR: I didn't say it.
JAKE: You're paranoid-- you did say it. You're delusional.
AMIR: I'm serious.
JAKE: I know you're serious. You're also horny or something, 'cause you keep on talking about masturbating.
AMIR: You don't get it! You got your iMac, your iCloud, your iPad, your iPod... it's all I I I! Ay-ay-ay! It should be you! [making a U-shape with his hand] It should be you, you, you!
JAKE: You are ugly.
AMIR: Ouch.
[Amir begins crying, but immediately stops and squeals when he sees a mailman approaching with a package for him.]
AMIR: [laughing] It's here, it's here!
[Amir opens the box.]
JAKE: Is that an iPhone?
AMIR: [yelling] Yeah, but I'm gonna hack it!
END