INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: I'm actually a little butthurt today!
JAKE: From what?
AMIR: Ow...
[Jake is at his desk. Amir comes in with flowers.]
AMIR: [first singing to the tune of "Here Comes the Bride", then just yelling] Here comes the dweeb... Here comes the dweeb! [speaking to Jake] Shittiest Weekend of the Ever Award goes to, dumroll please... Amir Hurwitz! "You like me! You really like me!" Friday night, I crash a feminist meeting, and told each and every one of them the God's honest truth: that they were all on the rag! Their aunt Flo didn't just come into town to visit. She moved in, and they were becoming scissor sisters. I wish one thing led to another, because what happened next was all at once. They tied my wrists to my face, shoved a tampon in my asshole, and kicked me out into the street! Keep in mind, this was 7:45 PM, so it's still bright out and I'm missing Jeopardy! I will take "Things You Don't Want Your Parents to See after Leaving a Restaurant for Their Forty-Second Anniversary" for, let's say, two hundred, Alex. [humming the Jeopardy theme] Doo doo doo doo-doo doo doo doooo... doo doo doo doo doo, ba-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo doo doo-doo doo doo doooo... doo, doo-doo doo doo-- [raspberry] --doo-- [raspberry] --doo. Bom, bom. What is their thirty-one-year-old son scooting across the sidewalk like a baby in a diaper, trying to grind the tampon out of his bleeding asshole while he howls at the moon like a wolf! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! And what did you wager, Alex? Zero dollars? That's... that's funny, 'cause that's how much my life was worth to the police officer who, rather than unbind me, took out his Motorola Krzr and added me to his SnapStory. What? Just as I start to think outside the bun, you know, convincing myself that at the very least this will be a fun little anecdote to tell at my bachelor party-- if I don't decide to go stag to my own wedding-- four of these femmes fatales emerge from the shadows, [pointing to his body] and start assaulting my face, [pointing to his neck] my body, [pointing to his face] and my neck. All of them had hair of gold, [singing the "Brady Bunch" theme] like their mother... the youngest one threw squirrels! One landed in my mouth, like a furry ball gag. Finally, out of fear, loathing, or Las Vegas, I j-- [chuckles] I just start spray-shitting everywhere. Yeah, it's like someone's dumping bucket after bucket of chocolate pudding on a rotating helicopter blade. I am defecating hither and thither, still howling, still at the moon, this time blue corn. With the tampon finally out, hands still tied to my face, [Ace Ventura impression] I finally have the wherewithalrighty then! to let out on more zinger. One more joke, this one luckily not at their expense. It's-- it's pretty broad, actually. [taking off his glasses] It goes a little something like this: A woman boards a bus with her newborn baby, and the bus driver says, "Hey, ma'am, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman, appalled-- frankly, she has the right to be-- sits down next to me and says, "That bus driver just insulted me." I said, "Lady, you don't have to take that from him. You go up there and tell him off. Here, I'll hold your monkey."
[Jake chuckles.]
AMIR: Seeing you chuckle at that joke made the entire weekend worthwhile.
JAKE: Oh-- no. Paul's cousin texted me something funny.
AMIR: Yeah? Well my asshole needs stitches! So start laughin', buster!
END