INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and if y'all want to follow me on Instagram--
JAKE: Out of time.
AMIR: Damn it!
[Jake is sitting on the couch. Amir comes in holding an iPad which has part of a broken display stand connected to it by a cable.]
AMIR: How would you like to accompany me on an online shopping spree?
JAKE: Looks like you already went on an offline stealing spree. You clearly stole this from the Apple store.
AMIR: I paid for it with my privacy. You know Apple owns your shit, right?
AMIR: I think I'll order a V-neck and a plaid, 'cause I'm from Teaneck, and hi, I'm Brad! [extends his hand for a handshake]
JAKE: Alright. Brad.
AMIR: Call me Brad!
JAKE: I am calling you Brad. If you're ordering clothes just 'cause it rhymes, that's a bad idea.
AMIR: Yeah, well airplanes were a bad idea too, but business is booming, so I'll take my chaunces.
JAKE: Airplanes were a good idea. And business isn't booming.
[Amir begins shushing Jake.]
JAKE: You're never right. You're never right about--
AMIR: Oh, I should buy sunglasses.
JAKE: You already have sunglasses.
AMIR: No, I don't think so.
JAKE: I think you do. Remember, you're really fast at putting them on?
[Amir pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on impossibly quickly.]
JAKE: God, that was quick. It was so fast.
AMIR: Oh!
JAKE: "Oh" is right, man. Your shopping cart is getting really expensive. You're not even comparing prices across other sites. I don't even think you're looking at the sizing chart with a discerning eye. [gesturing at the iPad] That's a medium, a medium, a small, an extra small, an extra large, a size eleven shoe, a size two shoe!
AMIR: Exqueef me. [queefs twice]
JAKE: ...Was that a fart, or--
AMIR: Queef. [pause] Two distinct queefs.
JAKE: I got it.
AMIR: You know, I just wish I had an event to wear these to. I mean, I'm buying these platinum-white dress shoes, but I literally will never wear them.
JAKE: So don't buy them.
AMIR: Well, what if I get invited to a gala, ass?
JAKE: A gala? I've never seen anyone invite you to lunch!
[Amir scratches Jake's face.]
JAKE: Ow--
AMIR: [speaking to the viewer] You know, whenever I go online shopping, I like to reward myself with a little "you're worth it" gift. [chuckles] And today I got myself this zebra-print pillow! [holding up a pillow] I'm obsessed!
JAKE: Who are you talking to?
[Jake is holding a cloth to his cheek.]
JAKE: I can't believe you scratched me.
AMIR: I'm sorry.
JAKE: Like a cat.
AMIR: I was upset.
JAKE: I don't care.
AMIR: You offended me!
JAKE: So what?
AMIR: If it makes you feel any better, I might even get a plus one to the gala!
JAKE: You're not going to a gala!
[Amir reaches out to scratch Jake, and Jake holds him back by the wrist.]
JAKE: Hey-- no!
AMIR: Say that again, and I will scratch your other face!
AMIR: Hey, pretty neat little lifehack: if you put in a pseudonym in the shipping information, like Vance or something, the package will show up with that fake name on it.
JAKE: That's not a lifehack. That's the most boring idea in the world. You'll just have a package with the name Vance on it.
AMIR: Yeah, but then after a while, the mailman will start to call you Vance! He'll be like, "Hey Vance, how's it going?" You'll be like, "Oh, it's pretty good, but actually boom! Gotcha! My name's Brad!"
[Jake is holding a bloody cloth on each cheek.]
AMIR: These white shoes are breaking the bank, but I feel like I gotta have 'em. You know, just in case-- and don't say what you're about to, or I will scratch you yet again-- but I feel like I gotta have 'em just in case I get invited to a charity event, or worse still, a, a--
JAKE: A gala. Yeah, I know.
AMIR: A gala. Yeah, exactly right, a gala.
JAKE: Tell you what, buddy. Why don't you just leave them in your online basket, you don't have to check out right now--
AMIR: No way.
JAKE: --but if you get invited to a white tie event--
AMIR: No, dude! That's--
JAKE: --or a gala... I'm not saying-- look--
AMIR: It's way too risky!
JAKE: You can order them in time!
AMIR: Bought 'em. [laughs] I bought 'em!
JAKE: Smart. Smart, good.
AMIR: We're going to a gala.
JAKE: Yeah? We're not.
AMIR: [gesturing to his shirt] You think this button-down is pee-proof, or dry clean only?
JAKE: Pee-proof?
AMIR: Or dry clean only!
JAKE: What is pee-proof? You said that first.
AMIR: Yeah, pee-proof! Just in case I--
[Amir pulls out his penis and begins peeing all over himself.]
JAKE: Hey-- hey! Don't! Leave it! Oh!
AMIR: Wha-- oh! Oh, sh--
AMIR: Alright, I can't bear to look. [turning the iPad toward Jake, looking away] What's the damage?
JAKE: Great. You shut your eyes, and you didn't click "Order". You just deleted your whole cart.
AMIR: Huh. That was a cheap spree, to be sure.
JAKE: You pissed on my shirt a little bit, by the way.
AMIR: Well, you should have gone pee-proof! You know, just in ca--
[Amir begins peeing everywhere again.]
JAKE: Oh-- hey!
AMIR: Oh my God, why again?
END