INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very expensive episode of Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Why is it expensive?
AMIR: Cash!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has his hands folded in front of his face to conceal his mouth.]
AMIR: Hey Jake, what do you call a Twitter account for cottage cheese?
JAKE: ...What?
[Amir looks up and reveals that he has a dental grill.]
AMIR: Cheese!
JAKE: Bad joke! Bad teeth!
AMIR: Hope you like to barbecue!
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: 'Cause homeboy's got a grill!
JAKE: Why did you do that to your face? What's wrong with you?
AMIR: I like flaunting that I make cash!
JAKE: How do you make cash?
AMIR: [rubbing his fingers together] Money--
JAKE: I didn't ask what cash was. I asked how you made it. You don't do anything.
AMIR: My dad gives me bank. Quite bank, actually.
JAKE: Okay, then you know what? You don't make anything. You get pathetic handouts from your old man, and it's not cool to flaunt that with exorbitantly expensive jewelry for your teeth.
AMIR: I got this grill off Sale!
JAKE: On sale, and still, it's probably pretty expensive.
AMIR: No, my cousin Leron. He has a friend named Sale.
JAKE: He's got a friend named Sale?
AMIR: Well, had a friend named Sal.
JAKE: ...Sale, or Sal?
AMIR: Sale. Sale.
JAKE: Which one?
AMIR: Sale!
JAKE: Sale, or Sal?
AMIR: Sam!
JAKE: Which one is it? Sale, Sal, or Sam?
AMIR: ...Sale.
JAKE: Doesn't matter. Okay, you got the grill off him?
AMIR: Off her. And no, not her grill, her teeth. Okay? When she passed, me and Leron had the dim idea to gank the dentures off her still-breathing body!
JAKE: Still breathing. So she hadn't passed.
AMIR: We're all at the vet trying to huff some of that laughy gassy, when we realized: uh-oh! Some of it's euthanasia! So me and Leron hightail it the fuck out of there, but, uh... Sale wasn't too lucky. She couldn't flap her wings fast enough.
JAKE: Flap her wings?
AMIR: Did I mention Sale was a goose?
JAKE: ...No! No, of course not, 'cause then all my questions would have been about that! Why did the goose have teeth?
AMIR: I guess you can say she's trans-gandered!
JAKE: Decent pun, doesn't explain the teeth, and your gums are bleeding.
AMIR: [with his hand on his mouth] Sure, small price to pay.
JAKE: Kind of a lot of blood, and it's a pretty big price to pay, man! You don't have teeth. You and your cousin are friends with a goose.
AMIR: Were!
JAKE: Still! A goose!
AMIR: No, I mean me and Leron aren't cousins anymore! He frickin' divorced me!
JAKE: Please, just one insane thing at a time. Why did the goose have teeth?
AMIR; Dentures.
JAKE: Which you stole.
AMIR: How was your weekend? ...Always talkin' about my shit. How was your Friday? What'd you do Saturday morning?
JAKE: Where are your real teeth?
AMIR: I traded them to Leron for a BeDazzler so that I can jewel-encrust Sale's dentures so that I can flaunt my father's wealth! What don't you get?
JAKE: Why do you hate yourself?
AMIR: Excuse?
JAKE You're on this twisted quest to change your body, mind, and spirit. You're constantly adopting new hobbies. [Amir begins dancing in his seat.] You've had countless plastic surgeries-- stop dancing! [Amir stops.] None of it is ever to any avail. At the end of the day, you're still you... and you suck.
[Amir makes a mock-hurt expression.]
JAKE: Oh, I know that did hurt.
[Amir dabs his forehead, and salutes Jake sarcastically. Jake salutes him back. Amir pauses, and then begins crying.]
JAKE: There it is. [claps] Finally. That's what I was hoping for. That's the way you should always be.
AMIR: Want to know the gayest part?
JAKE: Don't use that word like that.
AMIR: I truly believe that the world revolves around me. [pauses, nods thoughtfully] Not even metaphorically, either. Like, uh, say this marble is me, and this tennis ball is our solar system? [picks up a marble and a tennis ball, and rolls the tennis ball around the marble]
JAKE: Quick to get those.
AMIR: Yeah, this is how I feel. Like I am at the center of it. Like I'm the Sun. [chuckles] I mean, how dumb is that?
JAKE: It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Nothing revolves around you. You absolutely don't matter, 'cause you're a goose murderer. You're a teeth thief.
AMIR: Yeah? Well at least I got a grill I can count on! [holds up a sausage] Hope you like sausage!
JAKE: Raw meat. In your mouth.
[Amir puts the sausage to its mouth, and it begins smoking and sizzling.]
JAKE: Holy shit, how is it sizzling?
AMIR: I'm the Sun! I told you I was one!
END