INTRO
JAKE: You're watching a really cool episode of Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Nice.
JAKE: I rule in it.
AMIR: I know.
[Jake is wearing a sleeveless shirt and addressing the camera.]
JAKE: Hey, everybody. Jake here. Look, I've been seeing this little thing poppin' up around on Facebook, just... just here and there, but you know me. I like to get into trends early. So here I--
AMIR: [leaning in from off-screen] I did it a few weeks ago!
JAKE: Did I invite you in here to brag, Blumenfeld? I don't like to share the limelight, so why don't you tread light. Fucker.
AMIR: You invited me in here 'cause you said nobody else would hold your bucket for you.
JAKE: [trying to drown out Amir] Shhhhhh. Just relax about why I invited you in here. [to the camera] Look, been seein' this Cup of Water Challenge thing on Facebook, but... you know, I'mma do it J-Witz style, do you two better. First of all: I say fuck it, I'm gonna go a whole bucket. And, uh, another thing, Regis: I put a freakin' ice cube in here. And that is my final answer.
AMIR: Aren't most people doing it with a...with a bucket and--
JAKE: [singing] And IIIIII-ee-III will always ice cube! [Amir cringes] Makes it colder, makes me bolder.
AMIR: It-- it's called the Ice Bucket Challenge--
JAKE: [mocking Amir] "It's c-- It's ca-- It's c--" You got a stuttering prboblem much, dude?
AMIR: "Prboblem"?
JAKE: Yeah, I said "prboblem". I s-- I misspoke. I misspoke, but you stuttered!
AMIR: No, I did not.
JAKE: [doing a Native American impression] Any-- how! I'm gonna freeze myself with this here bucket, like, uh, Jack Nicholson at the end of the Shining. Hey, you think he ever met Steve Urkel? From Family Matters? [doing a Jack Nicholson impression] "Uhh, did I do that?" [looking at Amir for a reaction]
AMIR: ...Maybe, yeah. I--
JAKE: Alright. Fuck you. [to the camera] Okay. I'm not gonna do this before challenging a couple of my close personal friends to, uh, take the Jake challenge, that is, not a cup, but the fuck-it bucket, and, uh, not just one, but a big-ass cube o' ice! [laughs]
AMIR: S-- ...so yes. Just one.
JAKE: Okay. Bradley Cooper, from Limitless. Tarvis Baker, from Blink-182 [pronounced "eighteen-two"]. And, and another guy: Vanilla Bean Ice himself! Stop-- Hammer time! [humming] Dahh-nah-nah-nah... nah-nah, can't touch this.
AMIR: Alright. Here we go. Ready.
JAKE: Hey, hey, hold on, before you do it, [to the camera] as I understand it, I was challenged to donate a hundred dollars to ALS research, unless I dump this, this bucket of water on my head, in which case... ALS research, y'all owe me a hundred bucks.
AMIR: I don't know if it's that-- like, that--
JAKE: Just-- ...I didn't invite you here to do an interview, did I? Let's do this! Come on!
JAKE/AMIR: Three, two one!
[Amir dumps the bucket over Jake's head. Barely a small cup's worth of water comes out.]
JAKE: [screaming] Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho, that was legit! Less than room temp, dude! Look! Major shrinkage.
[Jake shows Amir his penis below-screen, and Amir, who was initially hopping up and down with adrenaline, stops.]
AMIR: Whoa. The water wasn't that cold.
JAKE: I have a tiny dick.
AMIR: [to the camera] To actually help out, go to ALSA.org!
["ALSA.org" appears on screen. Jake gives a thumbs up.]
AMIR: [to Jake] Your penis was really small.
JAKE: I know.
END