INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Not for long!
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: 'Cause the videos are short.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir does not have a computer. He tugs at his hoodie and wiggles his eyebrows at Jake.]
JAKE: No computer at all today, huh?
[Amir shakes his head.]
JAKE: Why even come in?
AMIR: I can work from my phone. [feels for a phone in his pocket, to no avail] ...Shit.
JAKE: Nice.
[A woman comes over briefly to hand Amir a manila envelope. Amir notices and begins laughing giddily.]
AMIR: [opening the envelope] They're here, they're here! Help me choose a headshot!
JAKE: Don't act giddy like I'm gonna be excited about helping you choose a headshot.
AMIR: I just want your opinion!
JAKE: My opinion is you suck.
AMIR: About the headshots, idiot! [laughing] You should have let me finish! Now you look like a fool!
JAKE: Why do you need headshots? You have a job. You have a salary. Health insurance.
AMIR: I want to be a famous! Ass! A star is born? Nah... a star is corn!
[Amir holds up a picture of himself dressed as an ear of corn with big cartoon gloves.]
JAKE: What a dumb headshot, buddy.
AMIR: Please don't call these dumb. Okay? I spent, like, a bad amount of money on these.
JAKE: Any amount of money you spent on those would be a bad amount of money, considering you're not an actor and you don't need them.
AMIR: I have an audition today!
[Jake raises his eyebrows. Amir grins silently at him.]
AMIR: Wow! Suddenly, Jake's-- actually, this is perfect! [handing a fork and a knife to Jake] I'll give you a fork and a knife so you can eat your words. And, in addition to those--
JAKE: [taking the fork and knife] God, these are nice.
AMIR: --I have a napkin... where the French is it? I don't want you to spill the words--
JAKE: Did you bring this cutlery to work just to make me do this?
AMIR: Where the fff-- is it, dude?
JAKE: [putting down the fork and knife] It doesn't matter where the napkin is, okay? What's the role?
AMIR: The role is of a paralegal, in the film "Steinberg and Ginsberg".
JAKE: Are you sure you don't mean firm Steinberg and Ginsberg? And the role is just an office job that you're not qualified for?
AMIR: Every interview in this town is an audition. In this town.
JAKE: Nice, dude. Give it to me.
[Amir hands Jake the headshots. On top is one of Amir shirtless, wearing jeans low enough on his hips that his pubic hair is visible, albeit censored.]
JAKE: Yikes. Way too revealing. Right? I mean, at least you had the decency to blur your pubes.
AMIR: [sadly] No, they're just blurry.
JAKE: You grow blurry pubic hair?
AMIR: I think so, yeah. They're mosaic.
JAKE: [holding up a picture of Amir with Terry Richardson] Sorry, did Terry Richardson take these?
AMIR: Actually, they were taken by a Brazilian photographer. [grabbing the headshots back] Nunya? Ever heard of him?
JAKE: Nunya Business?
AMIR: No, Nunya Luiz Ricardio. He's actually pretty famous in Rio.
JAKE: Do something else with your life.
[Amir is suddenly holding a colorful and simplistic painting with two stick figures.]
AMIR: Been painting recently! Nothing too crazy, just some abstract pieces. Trying to open up my own gallery.
JAKE: That's crazy! Of course that's crazy. Trying to open up your own gallery when you have a job, and... you're not very good at painting!
AMIR: Subjective.
JAKE: You're so fast at being dumb. Why don't you just try to harness that power for good, instead of... stupidity?
AMIR: [holding a plate of burnt cookies] Been baking recently!
JAKE: Quick. Burned.
AMIR: Yeah, nothing too crazy. Just, uh, applying for grants to open up my own patisserie/gallery.
JAKE: Bad business idea. Bad you. Just stop acting, stop painting, stop baking. It's a waste of time, money, and I think effort, though it seems like you don't try very hard at anything.
AMIR: [holding up a napkin folded into an origami swan] Found your napkin!
JAKE: That one's pretty good.
AMIR: Nothing too crazy, just some, uh... oregano.
JAKE: Origami.
AMIR: Roach!
JAKE: It's a swan.
AMIR: Ass!
END