INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and I'm gonna be rich!
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: Money, honey!
JAKE: Nice.
AMIR: Okay...
[Jake is sitting on a couch. Amir joins him.]
AMIR: Good news! Gonna finally heed your advice.
JAKE: Washing your hands after you shit? Not stealing from sleeping homeless women? Holding yourself accountable, morally and professionally, for a--
AMIR: [yelling over Jake] I'm going to apply for a credit card.
JAKE: I never said that. I never said that-- do the washing your hands one.
AMIR: One step at a time.
[Amir opens his laptop. It's facing away from him.]
JAKE: Backwards computer.
AMIR: Oh, backw--...
[On the screen is nothing but an image of Jake.]
JAKE: Come on.
[Amir tries to cover the screen with his hands.]
AMIR: First thing's first: I'm the realest. [laughs]
JAKE: First thing's first is your social security number.
AMIR: Don't have one.
JAKE: I know you don't have one.
AMIR: [singing] 'Cause I'm so fancy! [speaking] Also I'm an illegal alien.
JAKE: [simultaneously] You're an illegal alien.
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: I already know.
AMIR: Can't wait to rack up these points!
JAKE: What do you need points for?
AMIR: Miles.
JAKE: For what?
AMIR: Trips.
JAKE: To go where?
AMIR: ...Points.
JAKE: Cool.
AMIR: Miles.
[Jake doesn't react. Amir becomes concerned.]
AMIR: ...Miles? ...Miles!
JAKE: My name's Jake.
JAKE: [reading the screen] "What's the largest purchase you've ever made?"
AMIR: Oh, actually, I spent a hundred and ten thousand Euro on a koi fish once.
JAKE: A koi fish?
AMIR: Well technically a dolphin, but it was a coy little fish. [laughs] Little bugger was playing hard to get. We actually met each other-- have you ever been to the Maldives, or Mall-dives, or whatever?
JAKE: You know what? I don't want to know anything else, about you, or the dolphins. Stop talking!
AMIR: My credit score is so low, someone once stole my identity, felt bad, and gave it back.
JAKE: Is that a tweet?
AMIR: It's a truth! ...Ruth!
AMIR: I'm actually down to open a joint checking account with you. You know I do have tens of millions of dollars.
JAKE: Okay.
AMIR: But, here's the trick: you do have to tell people about it.
JAKE: How many people?
AMIR: ...Seventy.
JAKE: No deal.
AMIR: Aah, no no no, nineteen.
JAKE: Alright, now I feel bad.
AMIR: Aah-- two!
JAKE: I feel bad.
AMIR: I'm serious, dude. My credit score is so low, I couldn't get approved for a birthday card. [tugs his collar]
JAKE: Stop roasting yourself.
AMIR: Phyllis Diller is here...
AMIR: So what you're saying is once I have this magic card, I can buy whatever I want, like a vehicle, or a three-bean salad, or a Mr. Skin Pro account?
JAKE: It's not a magic card. Yeah, you can buy whatever you want, as long as--
AMIR: I know, but I can get, like, a salami sandwich, some Silly Putty, and, let's say, I don't know, a Mr. Skin Pro account?
JAKE: Right. As long as you pay the m--
AMIR: Can I get a Mr. Skin Pro account with--
JAKE: You already have one. Look at this. You've had it for two years, and you owe a lot of money.
AMIR: My credit score is so low, Flo Rida wrote a song about it.
JAKE: "Low"?
AMIR: "Whistle"! [begins blowing air in Jake's face in an attempt to whistle]
JAKE: Your breath is so bad.
AMIR: What I'm in dire need of is actually dolphin food. Or dolphin medicine. Or...
JAKE: ...Dolphin--
AMIR: Caskets, yeah. Exactly right.
JAKE: Not what I was gonna say.
AMIR: Because you can stuff it into a human casket?
JAKE: Of course not.
AMIR: No, you can't.
AMIR: Call me Han! Because my credit score is...
JAKE: So low.
AMIR: ...out of this world!
JAKE: Bad.
[Amir coos like a pigeon. Jake cringes at his breath.]
JAKE: Really bad.
AMIR: You know, human caskets, not too terrible of an idea.
JAKE: Didn't say it.
AMIR: If you just wiggle that dorsal fin back and forth like you're peeling off a soda tab, you know, [as he mimes trying to tear off a dorsal fin] A, B, C... and then whatever letter it lands on, that girl has a crush on you?
JAKE: What do you mean, "lands on"?
AMIR: [miming ripping off the fin, making Jake wince] Like if it gets ripped off on S, you're gonna marry a Samantha...!
JAKE: You're a monster.
AMIR: Now I understand to build my credit score, I need to make my payments in a timely fashion.
JAKE: Right, so--
AMIR: Okay, and if I don't will they hack my nuts off?
[Jake doesn't respond.]
AMIR: Then I'm good.
JAKE: They're not gonna hack your nuts off--
AMIR: Then I'm good.
JAKE: --but you'll go into debt and they'll take away your possessions--
AMIR: But my nuts? Are they gonna take away my most prized possession? My family jewels? ...I'm okay then.
AMIR: Mirror, mirror, on the wa-- [hits a key] "Denied". How is that normal?
JAKE: It's very normal. It's very normal because under "Debt" you wrote "150K dolphin fee", under "Address" you wrote "Fuck off NSA", and under "Annual Income"-- I don't even know how you did this, 'cause it's a drop-down menu-- but you wrote "Flappy the dolphin is my guarantor; give me the gold card".
AMIR: [crying] I wanted the points! I wanted the points, I needed the miles, and I could have really used a trip. [closes his laptop] Least I got my nuts.
[Amir looks down. With a horrified look, he feels his lap.]
AMIR: ...Dude!
END