INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very special birthday episode of Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Please stop it.
[Amir cackles.]
JAKE: Stop, bud.
[Jake is at his desk. Amir dances in.]
AMIR: Go! Go! Go! Go shorty! It's your birfday! We gonna party like it0 your birfday!
JAKE: Thank you. Thank you very much.
AMIR: [laughing] ...What?
JAKE: I said "thank you".
AMIR: [still laughing] You said it so soft! It was a big deal.
[Jake nods.]
AMIR: I made a big deal of your birthday, and you're just like "Thank you. Thank you."
JAKE: And I appreciate that, and I would actually like that... well, I'm trying to subdue you a little bit.
AMIR: I'm-- I'm hyped!
JAKE: I know, and I don't want you to be.
AMIR: I'm hyphy!
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: Want to know the difference between me and 50 Cents?
JAKE: You're not a gangster, you were never shot, you're not wealthy, talented, or successful, you're not a good businessman, you're not friends with Eminem...
AMIR: I do give a fuck if that's your birfday... I really do.
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: Silly me, I guess. You know, the big two-nine, it's kind of a big deal. In fact, how would you like a two-nine fish sandwich?
JAKE: I don't think I would like a two-nine fish sandwich.
[A server walks up behind Jake with a platter of tuna fish sandwiches.]
AMIR: [making a hand gesture to send the server away] Of course... why would you? Let me do you one better. You know how you have a weird love affair with coupons?
JAKE: I know how you make up realities to justify the weird stupid things you do...
AMIR: [holding up a coupon book] Here's a book of three hundred and sixty-five coupons. One for every day until you reach the wipe old age... [pretends to wipe himself with the book] of dirty!
JAKE: I bet there is actual shit on that.
[Amir hands Jake the coupon book. Jake sniffs it and cringes.]
JAKE: Yeah. Wow. [reading from the book] "Free hug from Amir."
[Amir puts his arms up for a hug.]
JAKE: "Free massage from Amir."
AMIR: [making massaging motions] They get better.
JAKE: "Free impression from Amir. White celebrity only."
[Amir waggles his finger and mimes talking into a microphone.]
JAKE: "Free impression from Amir. Any ethnicity goes. Hey, this is your birthday, after all."
[Amir puts his hands together and does an exaggerated East Asian bow.]
JAKE: Racist.
AMIR: They get better.
JAKE: They get violent. "Free punch from Amir to anybody of your choosing. Females allowed/encouraged. No questions asked."
AMIR: [punching the air] They get better.
JAKE: "Freestyle rap, fifty dollars off"? Fifty dollars off of what?
AMIR: A hundred and fifty dollars. The going rate.
JAKE: So it's not free.
AMIR: Free of style! ...Free of style! I'm starting to think you don't like the coupon book!
JAKE: I don't love the coupon book. Why don't you just take it back?
AMIR: I can't take it back! It's non-transferrable! Non-returnable! Read the fine print! I couldn't take--
[Jake throws the coupon book and hits Amir lightly in the forehead.]
AMIR: Oh!
JAKE: Sorry, bud! That's what you get for trying to give me a bum gift!
AMIR: [bleeding from his forehead] No, no, like it really cut me! Ya cut me bad!
JAKE: How are you this fragile?
AMIR: Fragile? Ya-y-y-y-ya sliced me! Ya really diced me, dude! And on my favorite day of the year: your birfday!
JAKE: Even if I just sliced you, you're bleeding way too much!
MURPH: [walking up behind Jake] Jake. I saw what you did to Amir there.
JAKE: Look, Murphy. Get out of here, okay, dude? It's not that big of a deal.
MURPH: It's actually a huge deal.
JAKE: You want to talk about injuring people at work? Amir's done so much worse. Hell, man, you've done a lot worse!
AMIR: I'm leaking, Murphy!
JAKE: Tattletale!
MURPH: And I've caught you... [bending Jake's hands behind his back] bitch-handed! Yeah!
JAKE: Ouch! Dude, let go, alright? It's my friggin' birfday!
MURPH: I don't give a fuck if it's your birfday! It's your Murphday now.
JAKE: I don't want it to be my Murphday.
MURPH: Too bad. It's your Murphday.
JAKE: I hate my Murphday.
MURPH: It's your Murphday. You shouldn't hate it. Eat your Murphday cake.
JAKE: I don't like that one bit. Amir, I want to use the coupon!
AMIR: [rapping] Murph! Murph! It's your turf! Come down to Erf! You crazy Smurf!
JAKE: [as Murph drags him away] That's the rapping one! The punching one!
AMIR: No, that was females only!
JAKE: Females allowed! Females encouraged! Aaaah!
END