INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and I do declare!
JAKE: What?
AMIR: I don't know!
[Jake and Amir are working at their desks. Amir has fashioned a standing desk for himself by putting a small table on top of his regular desk. He also has a chocolate milkshake and a plate of nachos. He looks down at Jake.]
AMIR: [laughing awkwardly] Unhealthy... [pause] ...What?
JAKE: I didn't say anything. You said "unhealthy"--
AMIR: Unhealthy much!
JAKE: You said "unhealthy", then I didn't say anything. If you're trying to start a conversation--
AMIR: [yelling over Jake] Look at you--
JAKE: Why do you do that?
AMIR: [pointing at Jake for emphasis] Bad for your back, bad for your spine, bad for your life, bad for your attitude, bad--
JAKE: You're eating nachos!
[Amir eats another nacho.]
JAKE: You're eating nachos right now, and you're drinking a chocolate milkshake.
AMIR: [grabbing the milkshake] Yeah, that's 'cause I have a standing desk! Which means I can afford it... [goes to take a sip, then pauses] ...fuckwad! [takes a sip]
JAKE: You're a fuckwad. [Amir wiggles his eyebrows] You think standing at your desk burns-- what, that's like fifteen hundred calories! Alright? And-- ...also, you're sitting.
AMIR: [now sitting, bouncing up and down] Yeah, but on an exercise ball! Okay? AKA!
[Amir begins making rhythmic hand motions. Jake waits for a while for him to keep talking.]
AMIR: ...What?
JAKE: ...AKA what?
AMIR: What are you, waiting for me to talk? [laughs] Alright! Let's talk!
JAKE: Waiting for you to finish! AKA means "also known as".
AMIR: Okay, I didn't know that... wow!
JAKE: It's not just a pe-- it's not the end of the sentence!
AMIR: I didn't know that! I thought it was like a pu-- yeah, like a...
JAKE: A pun?
AMIR: It's a play on words!
JAKE: We don't have to talk! We don't have to talk at the office. That's not leading a healthy lifestyle. You can't afford to eat that food.
AMIR: My legs were tired, fatass! And by the way, this is healthy! Healthier than the standing desk, 'cause I can do crunches while I work! [closes his eyes and begins doing crunches badly]
JAKE: Your eyes are shut. So you're not doing anything while you work. You're just doing crunches, and... what terrible form! You're twirling your ass on top of the ball like you're wiping with it.
AMIR: Yeah, well they hurt my back pain!
JAKE: Redundant.
AMIR: Yeah! I have sciatica, motherfucker!
JAKE: I think sciatica is pain in your leg.
AMIR: Yes! Which is why I can't stand. So I sit, which hurts my back. That's why I got the desk! It just hurts, so I'm sitting, AKA!
JAKE: ...If you're this sick, if you're this unhealthy, why don't you just do the decent thing, and allow yourself to die?
AMIR: ...Jesus!
JAKE: That was real.
AMIR: That's, like, a lot of times you ask me to die.
JAKE: I know, and I mean it every time.
AMIR: [laughing uncomfortably] It's so... sad.
JAKE: Trust me, I know.
AMIR: It's sad to me that you want me dead.
JAKE: I feel bad as a person that I want so badly for you to be dead and gone, but I--
AMIR: Yeah. You're not even hiding it anymore.
JAKE: No, I think I'm just gonna be open with it.
AMIR: I need to... I need to lay down.
[Amir lays down on the floor.]
JAKE: Thirty seconds ago, you were boasting about your standing desk, and now you're on the floor.
AMIR: [still eating his nachos] It doesn't matter if I'm sitting or lying, okay? As long as my work gets handed in.
JAKE: What work are you handing in? You're just shoveling nachos into your face, lying down on the ground, and-- oh my God, you're asleep.
[Amir has fallen asleep on the floor.]
JAKE: How is that possible? You were just yelling. Now you're asleep.
[Amir begins choking on his mouthful of nachos. Jake runs over to help him, and then reconsiders. He watches Amir struggle for air in his sleep, until Amir eventually lies still on the ground.]
JAKE: [looking upward, and whispering] Thank you...
[Amir suddenly coughs up his nachos all over Jake.]
AMIR: I'm alive!
JAKE: Ass.
AMIR: [laughing in relief] And it's all thanks to that standing desk.
[Jake scowls at Amir.]
AMIR: What?
END