INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: If the fates allow!
JAKE: And they do.
AMIR: Okay.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir scoffs at his phone.]
AMIR: I should not have taught my mom how to text. Look at this message!
[Amir holds his phone up for Jake to read.]
JAKE: Semicolon, semicolon, asterisk, "hi Amir", question mark. Yeah, that's pretty bad.
AMIR: Yeah, that's mine to her.
JAKE: So then she didn't even respond.
AMIR: Dumb bitch! [laughs]
JAKE: ...Asshole.
AMIR: Hey. That's my mother you're talking about.
JAKE: I'm talking about you. You're an asshole.
AMIR: Oh! Do you know these horoscope things everyone's talking about lately?
JAKE: Smooth transition. What horoscope things?
AMIR: About how, like, if you were born in January, that means you're a Capricorn, and so you're some type of way?
JAKE: So not horoscope things, just horoscopes in general.
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: You think people are just talking about them lately, or always?
AMIR: I don't know, I-- it was in the ether, but now it's starting to get to me.
JAKE: Oh my God.
AMIR: Honestly, I thought a lot of it was legalese Japanese mumbo-jumbo bullshit; Western medicine meets Western Union; urban garbage yoga yuppie mommy-blogger rag-mag e-zine Candyland cookie-cutter sci-fi wi-fi jai alai verbal diarrhea, but honestly, it turns out a lot of it is spiritual fact.
JAKE: Got it. Cool.
AMIR: When's your birthday? August 5th, 1985?
JAKE: Don't pretend like you didn't know.
AMIR: 2:15 PM?
JAKE: That's exactly it, by the way. Good guess.
AMIR: Okay. Cool, so, like, yours is, uh--
JAKE: Down to the minute.
AMIR: [reading from a newspaper] "You will confront conflicts this month, but rest assured you can solve them. Maybe not, though." ...It's vintage you!
JAKE: That's vintage anybody.
AMIR: [holding out his hand for emphasis] No! Because the way it works is that you're a Leo, so the stars look like a lion, and it knows what you're gonna-- how you're gonna act.
JAKE: Try not to learn new things. [imitating Amir, holding out his hand] The stars look like a lion, and it knows how I'm gonna act?
AMIR: Yeah. They really do. They look like a lion.
JAKE: Put your hand down, 'cause you're not teaching me anything, okay? It's like you read the Wikipedia for horoscopes-- I don't even think you got into astrology...
[Amir shakes his head.]
JAKE: No? I didn't-- didn't think so.
AMIR: No way.
JAKE: And then you just regurgitate everything like it's your new worldview! Your mind is so impressionable.
AMIR: My mind is not impressionable!
JAKE: Yes it is!
AMIR: I guess it is.
JAKE: God, that's fast. Even for you, that was fast. You're, like, hypnotized. Like, you'll believe anything anyone says.
AMIR: [calmly] I will believe anything anyone says...
[Jake pauses.]
JAKE: [equally calmly] You're getting sleepy.
AMIR: I'm getting... [closing his eyes] sleepy...
JAKE: You're getting very sleepy.
AMIR: Very sleepy, Master.
JAKE: Didn't say I was your master.
AMIR: Didn't have to.
JAKE: Anything I say is your command. Your mind is open to my suggestion.
AMIR: I am your mental slave.
JAKE: ...Yes.
AMIR: And thus, you are my master.
JAKE: Fine. Just don't repeat it, okay?
AMIR: Fine, Master.
JAKE: ...When I snap my fingers, you will wake up.
AMIR: Yes, Master.
JAKE: And when you wake up, you will...
AMIR: Cluck like a chicken. Something silly. Boy, will my face be red.
JAKE: You'll throw yourself out the window.
AMIR: Jesus.
JAKE: That's right. When I snap my fingers, you will awaken and run out the window.
AMIR: My fear is that the window will be closed and I'll break my neck on the glass. Then you'll be left to deal with me as a quadriplegic, Master.
JAKE: Fine. Open the window...
AMIR: Mm-hmm.
JAKE: ...then jump.
AMIR: No chicken.
JAKE: No chicken. Just jumping. Leaping, out of a four-story window, to your death.
AMIR: ...Got it.
JAKE: Before you go...
AMIR: Mm-hmm.
JAKE: ...remember to shoot me a text. Something like... "Hey, there was nothing you could have done to stop me", et cetera.
AMIR: Mm. A suicide note of sorts. Yup.
JAKE: A suicide text of sorts. Indeed. So when I snap my fingers--
AMIR: Absolving you of guilt.
JAKE: Exactly.
AMIR: Got it.
JAKE: Got it. Okay, so I'm gonna snap my fingers. Wake up, suicide text...
AMIR: Chicken.
JAKE: Out the window. No chicken.
AMIR: No chicken.
JAKE: No clucking-- you can do whatever you want on the way down.
AMIR: Sure.
JAKE: Just be sure to do the... you know, the important bullet points.
AMIR: Absolutely. Thank you, Master.
[Jake snaps.]
AMIR: [waking up] Aaah. Jesus. [laughing in confusion] What happened?
JAKE: I don't know, man. Just... whatever. Just chilling.
AMIR: [confused, texting Jake] ...I'm texting you....
JAKE: Oh, yeah. Go for it.
AMIR: ...Hmm.
JAKE: [reading, frustrated] Semicolon, dollar sign, "Jake tried to kill me", sunglasses emoji, "I'm not a chicken".
AMIR: [holding up the newspaper] That's right! My horoscope told me to be on the lookout for hypno-killers, and it was right! Sagittarius, motherfucker!
JAKE: You're a Capricorn.
AMIR: [laughing] You still tried to kill me! Little fucker!
END