INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and a celeb.
JAKE: Egotistical.
AMIR: Realistical!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake is tapping his pencil to a beat. Amir begins nodding to it.]
AMIR: Yeah.
[Amir loudly joins in, using his desk and objects on it as percussion. Jake stops tapping.]
JAKE: I stopped.
AMIR: Oh! I came up with a pretty neat little plan today... dating a celebrity?
JAKE: How's that a plan? That's a question.
AMIR: Life's not about what you know, it's about who you know. And in Los Angeles, it's about who ya fuck. [chuckles] I'm serious. If I'm gonna make it in this kooky town, I have to be seen canoodling with Jamie Lee Curtis on the Sunset Strip yesterday.
JAKE: What makes you think it's so easy to date a celebrity? What makes you even think you deserve to be canoodling with anybody, let alone somebody as beautiful and strong as Jamie Lee Curtis?
AMIR: You naive little twat.
JAKE: Don't say that word in the office.
AMIR: Nothing's real in Hollyweird, okay? A lot of it is just make-believe fairy dust. Some of it is actually just a PR nightmare bullshit!
JAKE: You're a PR nightmare bullshit.
AMIR: Fuck off.
JAKE: You fuck off, dude! You think any publicist out there is gonna let their client date a thirty-one-year-old guy who shits in his pants?
AMIR: I changed the khakis! Fuck off!
JAKE: Recently! Recently you changed them!
AMIR: Yeah!
JAKE: Well you shit in them over a year ago! So you fuck off!
[Amir makes a whirring sound and holds up a small piece of paper reading "Amanda Bynes"; "amandabynes@gmail.not".]
AMIR: Uh-oh! Daddy got Amanda Bynes's Gmail address. Yeah, her niece went to my cousin Leron's laser tag place in Queens. Leron stole the cell phone, texted Amanda, and she gave him the email address so he would give the cell phone back! I was gonna take you on a double date. Me, you, Amanda, and Amanda's best friend, who's probably a Meg Ryan type, but I can always ask somebody else.
[Amir sniffs the paper for a long time.]
JAKE: Jesus, dude... [suddenly upbeat, putting on a straw fedora] Why didn't you tell me you had an in with Bynes? [forced laughing] Ha ha haaa! She's all that!
AMIR: She's a loose cannon, sure, but sometimes the crazy ones are the ones that land you on the back jacket of Star Magazine!
JAKE: You're goddamn right, Blumenfeld! Gimme that email address! Let me email her.
AMIR: No!
JAKE: For you! ...Let me email her for you. What kind of monster do you think I am? I'm just trying to help you out...
[Jake reached for the paper, which Amir isn't offering.]
JAKE: [quietly] ...idiot... I swear to God, I swear to God...
[Jake finally reaches the paper and grabs it. He begins typing.]
JAKE: "Dear Ms. Bynes..."
AMIR: Nice!
JAKE: "Today is the first day of the rest of your wife!"
AMIR: Is that too forward?
JAKE: Girls love that lovey-dovey shit, dude. [resuming typing] "I have admired you from afar--" scratch that-- "I have Aladdined you from Jafar..."
AMIR: Is that good to write?
JAKE: Girls love Disney. That Disney shit. Stop second-- really, stop second-guessing me. Alright? "I would love to take you out to a meal of sushi, my treat, if you will treat meat to a seat... on your face!" [chuckles] "Love... Jake."
AMIR: No!
JAKE: Yes. Fuck off, dude! That's the "fuck off" email!
AMIR: [crying] No!
JAKE: Oh... you're crying, dude? Hey, you can still be the best man at the wedding.
AMIR: Promise?
JAKE: [hesitating, then answering] ...No, that's really the kind of thing I should run by my fiancee! Bynes has to weigh in on that! You understand. It's a partnership! Not a dictatorship! She might want to have one of her A-list celebrity friends give her away! Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Phillippe, some Ryan! I promise you, it's Ryan. Fuck... fuck, man, it might be Seacrest. Ryan Seacrest at my fucking wedding? It's a star-studded-- my, my wedding's gonna look like the fuckin' Oscars. [laughs] I'm just like... holy shit!
AMIR: Even if one of the brothers Ryan give her away doesn't mean I can't be your best man.
JAKE: [getting up, walking over to Amir] Honestly, dude, I don't mean for this to be all passive-aggressive, but... all's bare...
[Jake pulls down Amir's pants. Amir has no underwear on.]
AMIR: Oh!
JAKE: ...in shove...
[Jake shoves Amir to the floor.]
AMIR: Oh!
JAKE: ...and floor.
AMIR: I'm nude! You've nuded me!
JAKE: [looking at his phone] Ohhh! Incoming email from amandabynes@gmail.not... a bounce-back? From Mailer-Daemon? ...That means she's with Matt Damon! Just my luck! You said she had a friend though? Meg Ryan? What's Gucci with her?
END