INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Bless you!
JAKE: I didn't sneeze.
AMIR: I know!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir silently holds up a scroll.]
JAKE: No. No, please--
AMIR: "Top Ten Vacation Ideas for the Summer", by Amir Judy Blume-enfeld.
JAKE: Tell you what-- [to others in the office] does anybody want a computer? Does anyone want a desktop? Amir doesn't use his.
AMIR: "Number ten--"
JAKE: To work.
AMIR: "Are you feeling zen? If not, a staycation is what I recommend. Or better yet, don't be a jerk. Unwind by being a man... and goin' to work."
JAKE: So your first vacation idea is not taking one. And working. Which you're not doing right now because you're sitting here, reading me this list.
AMIR: "Number nine: Stop whining about the time. Go to work. Can you?"
JAKE: Can you?
AMIR: "Please?"
JAKE: These aren't even vacation ideas!
AMIR: It's just the first two!
JAKE: Still! They're in the top ten! They're on the list, that you called "Vacation Ideas"!
AMIR: "Number eight: You're overweight! 'Cuz you overate. Whip your butt into shape with exercise classes. That's right: a boot camp retreat, for all y'all fatasses!"
JAKE: What is relaxing about a boot camp? How is that a vacation?
AMIR: "Number seven: A Sawa named Devon! This tween idol deserves that title. Shack up with 'Now and Then' co-star Devon Sawa in his Hollywood Hills bungalow! Now that sounds like a place that's... fun to go!"
JAKE: ...Isn't Devon Sawa dead?
AMIR: You're thinking of Brad Renfro.
JAKE: ...Fine.
AMIR: "Number six: Check out Brad Renfro's dicks!"
[Jake grimaces in disbelief.]
AMIR: "It's been too long since you've gone to see him. Won't you visit his mausoleum?"
JAKE: That's impolite. Wouldn't you say that's in poor taste? Can't he rest in peace?
AMIR: "Number five: an Owen named Clive! He's got a palace in the English hills, and you can visit and stay for the thrills! Clive Owen would love to have ya."
JAKE: No he wouldn't! So far, three of your ideas have been about visiting celebrities who definitely don't want you there. One of whom is dead.
AMIR: "Number four: Lock your door! This staycation is for you and a PlayStation 2. Lock yourself in your room all summer and close the blinds. That's the best way I know how to unwinds! And if it's a weekday... go to work!"
JAKE: You know, that's almost as sad as the Brad Renfro one. How are these vacation ideas? Barely any of them have involved a destination! Most of them have involved not traveling!
AMIR: "Number three: How 'bout some tea? It's a good liquid that's nice for your soul. Have it in a cup, a mug, or a... bowl..." What?
JAKE: You crossed lists? With another scroll?
AMIR: Shit. Yeah, I think I musta got... [sighs] I-- I need to get my shit together! [chuckles]
JAKE: You need to stop writing all these scrolls.
AMIR: "Number two: This jelly won't do... we need a jam or a paste of some sort; 'almond butter is nice' is my... usual retort..." I'm sorry.
JAKE: What other scroll could this possibly even be from?
AMIR: I'm fucking unraveling here! Wheels are coming off as I stumble across the finish line!
JAKE: Just to be clear: don't think you had a good scroll up until this point.
AMIR: Yeah, I had a perfect game going!
JAKE: Absolutely not.
AMIR: Oh! Okay, here we go. "Number one: Palm Springs. A desert getaway with your best friend."
JAKE: Not going with you.
AMIR: "Well I know it might be a long snot..."
[Amir puts a finger over one of his nostrils, sharply exhales, and shoots an enormous amount of snot across the desk and onto Jake's shirt.]
JAKE: Oh! I'm gonna throw up!
AMIR: "...but I figure it's worth a shot!"
JAKE: I can't believe you just snot rocketed on me. I can't believe how much came out.
AMIR: "The tickets are booked. The price is right; I looked. So what sayeth thee, my FFB? Will you go away with me?"
JAKE: You know what, dude? Fuck it. Snot rocket for you. Here we go--
[Jake tries to blow snot like Amir did, but nothing comes out. Jake winces.]
JAKE: Aah! Idiot!
[Jake tries again, and fails.]
JAKE: Aah! Ass!
AMIR: Do it harder, like one--
[Amir demonstrates. Jake tries and fails again.]
JAKE: Oh!
AMIR: Oh no!
[Jake has blood pouring out of his nose.]
JAKE: Oh, no! Dude!
AMIR: What happened?
JAKE: What happened?
END