INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: I actually have a good idea for a video.
JAKE: Don't.
AMIR: Very well, then.
[Jake and Amir are at a table. Jake is reading a book.]
AMIR: Best part of life?
JAKE: ...spending time with friends and family--
AMIR: Games! Jinx! [laughing]
AMIR: The next Tiny Wings is on this list. The next Snood is on this list.
JAKE: Right, I see that. "Tiny Wings 2". "Snood 2". You don't have the rights to either of those games.
AMIR: Copyright infringement.
JAKE: ...Exactly.
AMIR: [humming the Mario theme] Doo-doot doo doot-doot doo! Doo! Jojo the Italian Plumberman.
AMIR: Let me see your phone.
[Jake slides his phone over to Amir.]
AMIR: Okay.
[Amir smashes Jake's phone with a hammer.]
JAKE: Why.
AMIR: What would you say if I told you I had a game that would fix this?
JAKE: Do you?
AMIR: Not yet.
AMIR: Ninety-five percent of gaming happens when you're on the shitter. So this game is called "Wipe Me", and you get to clean your butt virtually.
JAKE: ...As well as in real life, right?
[Amir shrugs.]
AMIR: Like, nobody thought to land on the Moon, and then one night, we were just there!
JAKE: That's not how it worked. You thought we went to the Moon by accident?
AMIR: I'm just saying let's do that, but with this fix-your-phone game!
JAKE: Call tech support. Alright? Get my phone fixed.
AMIR: Shut up about your phone for a second. I'm... I'm having an idea.
[Amir is quiet, but peeing sounds are coming from under the table.]
JAKE: I can hear you peeing.
AMIR: You know how it's illegal to spy on people while they shit, shower, and shave?
JAKE: Yes.
AMIR: [suddenly concerned] Really?
[Amir covers his phone with his hand.]
JAKE: Let me see your phone.
AMIR: No chance in hell. That's an invasion of my privacy.
JAKE: You're invading other people's privacy.
AMIR: No I won't. Again. Or for the first time. I won't, and I didn't. And I haven't. Again. Or ever.
[Amir can be heard peeing.]
JAKE: That's a long piss.
AMIR: I'm peeing. For a second.
AMIR: Oh! Not really a game idea, but--
JAKE: Then I'm gonna stop you right there. It shouldn't be on this list.
AMIR: --I shave a soul patch.
JAKE: You're so scatterbrained. What do you do? You just sit around your apartment coming up with game ideas, when you have an idea for facial hair? You don't have to write down every dumb idea that comes into your mind!
AMIR: And the truth finally starts pouring out!
JAKE: I've said that. I've always said that.
AMIR: [pounding his fist rhythmically against his chest, humming to the beat] Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm, yeah...
AMIR: Okay, so it's Spotify, but only for songs.
JAKE: Spotify is for songs. Also, that wasn't a game.
AMIR: Really? Because last time I checked, you play music.
JAKE: Fine. Just my first critique then. Spotify's already for songs.
AMIR: I'll put it in the "maybe" pile, then.
AMIR: [still pounding a beat on his chest and humming] Hmm-mmm, alright, hmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm, do it too...
AMIR: Let me tell ya, I had a lot of time to come up with game ideas as a teen. I had facial backne.
JAKE: You mean regular acne?
AMIR: Nope, fbackne. I'm talkin' about back zits on my face. I wish I would've had acne. Acne would have been an improvement... acne would have been nice.
AMIR: [still pounding a beat on his chest and humming] Two hearts beating as one, hmm-mmm...
JAKE: Say an idea, or I'm gonna leave.
AMIR: Parcheesi.
[Jake shakes his head.]
AMIR: [on the phone] Yeah yeah, he just, uh, he just whacked it with a hammer, and it broke. [laughing] I know! I guess he-- I guess he thought he can fix it with an app, which I don't think you can do. Could you? If you w-- even if you dreamed big? 'Cause of the Moon landings. Okay. Yeah yeah. [to Jake] You're a moron.
AMIR: "Oops! All Long Pieces Tetris".
JAKE: That actually sounds pretty satisfying.
AMIR: Well I don't have the ability or the rights to program it! Okay? So I'm kinda stuck there, aren't I. Don't say "nice", if you know for a fact I'm dead to rights.
JAKE: Why are you pitching me anything?
AMIR: I like lists. [rifling through his paper] In fact, can I pitch you a list of list ideas that I have?
AMIR: [on the phone] No, no no, he'd be honored to be on your "Idiots of Tech Support" blog. The name is Jacob Hurwitz, and as for the picture, I have a primo one of him taking a shit. Or a shower. Perhaps a shave. [to Jake] Hm?
END