INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: We should start charging for this shit!
JAKE: Bad idea.
AMIR: I know.
[Jake, Pat, Paul Briganti and Mike Trapp are eating lunch and conversing.]
PAT: No no, it's fun. It's just... New York is so dense and lively, you know? And-- and, and LA is more spread out and chill.
JAKE: That's a really good point.
PAUL: Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, it's definitely an adjustment.
[Amir enters with a large bag of carrots.]
AMIR: Move. Move. Move.
MIKE: What? "Move"? Amir--
AMIR: [edging his way into Mike's seat, forcing him out] I'm sitting, I'm sitting, I'm sitting, I'm sitting, I'm sitting, I'm sitting! I'm sitting.
MIKE: Right-- oh. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
JAKE: So mean!
AMIR: Thank you. Fatass.
[Amir shoves Mike's lunch off the table.]
JAKE: Welcome to town, man. It's good to have you here...
MIKE: Alright. See you.
[Mike leaves.]
AMIR: Hey, I wish I knew y'all were eating today. I would have packed a lunch, or bought one.
JAKE: You didn't know we were eating today? By the way, looks like you did pack a lunch. Just a... giant bag of carrots, but still.
AMIR: What's the point of conversation as it stands right now? I can wax poetic about a myriad of hot topics. [takes a bite of a carrot]
PAUL: New York versus LA.
AMIR: Okay... and what's the consensus? Just so I can play devil's advocate.
PAT: No consensus, really. We;re just saying they're different.
AMIR: And in terms of theses differences, are we excited or thrown by them?
JAKE: You don't need all of the information. Okay? Just see if you can enter a conversation seamlessly.
AMIR: [taking another bite] Easy!
[Paul shakes his head.]
PAT: ...Right. So... you know, New York just has a way of getting under your skin--
AMIR: [yelling over Pat] Been thinking about setting up a home theater system shit in my den!
JAKE: Jesus.
AMIR: What do you guys think is the difference between Sonos and other leading brands like Bose? Or do y'all only like to talk about unimportant shit?
JAKE: You know, I think your sound system is unimportant shit.
AMIR: [gesturing with the carrots sticking straight out from his palms] Really! Because last time I checked, audio was the second-most important part of the audio-video experience.
JAKE: Worst hands ever; stop doing that-- so it's the least important part, right?
AMIR: I just wish we'd talk about my hobbies too, but I feel like I can't even get a word in edgewise.
JAKE: You're dominating the conversation! What hobbies do you even have?
AMIR: Not really a hobby, but I'm pretty good at alienating significant others. Like if one of y'all's girlfriends or wives were here, I'd make her feel uninvited, unwelcome... I'd phase her out of the conversation, slowly but surely. [chuckles] Box her out physically, just so she doesn't feel like one of us.
JAKE: Why would you think that's even close to a hobby? It's the opposite of a hobby. A hobby's an enriching way to spend your spare time, and that's just... that's tearing at the fabric of a loving relationship.
AMIR: At least we're talking about something!
JAKE: We were talking about something.
PAUL: [getting up] I'm gonna...
JAKE: Yeah, of course.
[Paul leaves.]
AMIR: Can't handle the heat, huh? F-f-f-f-fatass? [tries to clear his throat] ...I think I might be dying.
JAKE: Yeah. Chew better. Just chew it all the way 'til it's mush, and then swallow. You don't swallow early.
AMIR: You don't have to tell me twice.
JAKE: Don't bring an entire bag of carrots to lunch. You bring one or two. I mean, you sat down 'cause you wanted to have a conversation, right?
AMIR: I still do. Even if it's just us three: me, you, and this thin little fatass.
[Pat gets up and leaves.]
JAKE: Pat... Patrick.
AMIR: [holding up two fingers] And then there were Jew. What should us two little sister-friends gab about? [takes a bite of the carrot]
JAKE: What do you want to gab about?
[Amir is now wearing headphones and a sleeping mask.]
AMIR: Can't hear you! Listening to a Spotify playlist aptly named "Songs That Pair Well with a Carrot-Based Lunch".
[Jake gets up and leaves.]
AMIR: Are you still in the room, fatass?
[Amir is alone in the room.]
AMIR: ...Fatass?
END