INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: "Top Five Reasons--"
JAKE: Don't have time for that.
AMIR: Okay.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks.]
AMIR: [gesturing at his computer, laughing uproariously] Yeah! Oh my God, I'm dying! ...Sharing that!
JAKE: You know, just--
AMIR: Sharing that!
JAKE: Can you stop taking the online personality quizzes?
AMIR: [suddenly furious] I got Helvetica! What font are you, you dingbat?
JAKE: Don't talk to me like that. Alright? You change moods so quickly, it's obviously a problem. Right? A version of psychosis, I think.
AMIR: [laughing again] Here! Here, I'm gonna post it to my news feed!
JAKE: Perfect example.
AMIR: That way, you can click on the link and take the quiz yourself!
JAKE: Alright, do me a favor: don't say "here". Don't say "here" like you're doing me a favor. You post literally all of them to your news feed.
AMIR: [making a goofy face] I can't help it if they're viral!
JAKE: Get a different face.
AMIR: ...Ouch.
JAKE: That's one thing you can help, by the way: if they're viral. You don't have to share them. [reading off his laptop] "I got Spiro Agnew! Which Vice President are you?"
AMIR: [in falsetto] Yeah!
JAKE: "I got the nine of spades! Which card are you?"
AMIR: [in falsetto] Yeah!
JAKE: "I got a matzoh ball! What ethnic food are you?"
AMIR: [in falsetto] Yeah!
JAKE: These are all so dumb; the last one's straight-up racist.
AMIR: Actually working on a quiz of my own at the moment, if you're down to give it a shot. [chuckles] Would love some feedback. "What bean are you?"
JAKE: ..."What bean are you?"
AMIR: Good question! ...Leema!
JAKE: I was repeating the title in disbelief-- it's "lima", by the way. You're mispronouncing the bean you think you are. What possible questions could even exist on that quiz?
AMIR: Question the first...
JAKE: Never mind. Forget I asked.
AMIR: "When you walk into a club, a techno, trip-hop, euro-synth style pub, are you A: Down to clown like a kidney bean, all high and mighty."
JAKE: Weird.
AMIR: "B: Black bean style, muy caliente from head to toe. You're sexy and I know it."
JAKE: Racist.
AMIR: "C: Chickpea, or D: Leema."
JAKE: "Lima"!
AMIR: Question the... [holds up two fingers, struggles to finish his sentence] ...two...
JAKE: Second! Oh, God, I'm sad for you.
AMIR: [wiggling his finger at Jake between the fingers of his other hand] "Which nineties fem teen trend would you most align yourself with, bean-wise?"
JAKE: You know, you haven't responded to a work email in a year. Do you mind if I bring that up?
AMIR: "A: Kidney bean slap bracelets."
JAKE: Yup, just found the date of the last email you sent. May 2013. About a memorial service for Kunal Shah, that programmer who died? You wrote, "LOL! Not going to this. Who wants to join me for all you can wings and beer at anywhere-but-there bar."
AMIR: "B: Black bean style locker photos of Jonathan Brandis."
[Jake puts on headphones.]
AMIR: [yelling to be heard] "C: Chickpea-Chee folders, or D: Jared Leto AKA Jordan Catalano AKA leema beans--" what song are you listening to that's more important than this quiz?
JAKE: [taking the headphones off] I'm on Spotify. I could listen to almost any song and they'd all be more important. Why take these moronic quizzes? Why broadcast the results?
AMIR: [yelling] It's gonna sound stupid, but they help me project a self-image I didn't even know that I had! ...In this increasingly anonymous world of modern technology, these "quizzes" give us the only thing that any of us truly wants, which is... an identity. [getting quieter] ...Regardless of how... sophomoric it sounds on the surface, I truly believe that the hardest thing for any one person to know is themselves.
JAKE: [quietly] ...Okay.
AMIR: Oh! [laughing again] I got "soft-serve"! "What kind of doo-doo are you? Shit-wise!"
END