INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
MURPH: What'd you say about me?
JAKE: Leave me alone, Murphy!
[The CollegeHumor staff are in a meeting room, doing table reads. Paul Briganti is leading the meeting.]
PAUL: Okay, guys. Table read time. As always, let's get Amir's out of the way first.
AMIR: Mmm. Saving the best for first, I take it.
PAUL: Uh, okay. Amir, do you want to cast this, please?
AMIR: [to Jake] Jake, you'll be Darryl McMillionaire, smooth-talking Wall Street agent with a heart of cold. The only thing he cares about more than money... is cash. [to Emily] And Sophie, my beautiful little peach, you shall be playing Moira Cunt, a woman so hot, she doesn't have to be smart. And news flash: ...she ain't!
EMILY: I'm Emily.
AMIR: You're Moira. From this moment on, I don't want you to break character until you die. You got that, "Emily"?
EMILY: [as Moira Cunt] Call me Moira!
AMIR: Who?
PAUL: Okay, let's get started. I'll read scene direction.
AMIR: Great.
PAUL: "Interior: Cash. Day. This motherfucker only cares about money. Darryl enters."
JAKE: "Oh, hello. Didn't see you there. You know why? I only care about one thing: pussy, money, and cash. And I'm almost out of cash."
MURPH: [laughing] That's good writing.
PAUL: Uh, "Moira enters."
EMILY: "The name's Moira. Moira Slut."
AMIR: Okay, let me stop you right there. Uh, for anybody who's a little bit too thickheaded to get what's going on, Moira Cunt, at this moment in the script, is trying to... mask her true identity.
EMILY: "I say 'Moira Slut' because I'm masking my true identity."
MURPH: Very good writing.
JAKE: "Moira Slut, why don't you get on your knees and kiss my knees? Kiss my tiny little knees."
[Murph glares at Jake.]
JAKE: [to Amir] Is this sexy to you?
EMILY: "I won't do it."
JAKE: "Not even if I give you cash?"
[Amir rubs his fingers together.]
PAUL: "Darryl holds up a laminated binder filled with every kind of bill. Twenties, fifties, even sixties and seventies. It's all good because it's all green. It's that guap shit that makes rappers' hoes go 'da-na-na, na-na-na, na'. I'd punch my mother in the gut for twenty dollars."
[As the scene direction is read, Jake and Murph have a silent argument. Murph stares incredulously at Jake. Jake gestures at Amir and mouths "He wrote it!" Murph gestures at Emily as if to accuse Jake. Jake mimes typing on a keyboard, gestures at Amir again, and mouths "It didn't happen. He wrote it."]
AMIR: Okay guys, try not to lose your cum, uh, when you read what happens next. I know scripts don't usually get this salacious, but this is the hottest sex scene I've ever written.
MURPH: [yelling] Sex scene! Jake!
JAKE: It's clearly not a sex scene! We're not having sex!
PAUL: "Darryl and Moira Clock start going to town. They're going all the way. A salad bowl is on Darryl's head like a party hat. Moira wears an ape mask and nothing else, except a shirt and pants and grandma underwear."
[Jake and Murph continue arguing silently. Murph takes off his glasses. Jake mouths "Put your glasses on." Murph mouths "No. No."]
AMIR: Okay, that's very hot. I might lose a little cum myself!
MURPH: It's a little too hot, don't you think, Jake?
AMIR: Who am I to deny this on-screen chemistry?
MURPH: [yelling] Off-screen chemistry!
JAKE: [yelling] On-screen! He said "on-screen", and I didn't do anything!
PAUL: "Moira Fudge can't take it anymore. She organisms."
EMILY: "Aaaaaah! Eee! Eee! Eee!" [rhythmically, as Amir conducts with his hands] "Ay, chi, pa-pi, oh, me, li-key, you, long, time! Aaaah!"
JAKE: "I can't believe my eyes are rolling back in my head. I'm ecstatic to feel this. This is sex, and I am cash."
MURPH: [yelling] That's it!
[Murph tears off his clothes to reveal a shark-themed singlet.]
JAKE: Ohh! No, dude! No! Come on, dude.
[Emily hands Murph a mouth guard.]
JAKE: [defending himself with a chair] Look, get away from me, Murphy! Alright? I'll sue you, dude!
[Murph pins Jake against the wall and tries to lift him up. Emily licks her fingers and slips her hand under the table. Murph has Jake on the floor, face-down, grabbing him by the legs.]
JAKE: Oh God, my knees! My tiny knees!
[Murph screams furiously.]
END