INTRO
[A piece of paper reads "COLLEGEHUMOR'S ALL-NIGHTer 2014"; "TEN VIDEOS. ONE NIGHT!"]
ALL: CollegeHumor's All-Nighter!
[Jake, Pat, Elaine, and Vincent are playing Nerf basketball in the office. They are all yelling and having fun (the dialogue is indistinct). Vincent takes a shot at the net, but Amir appears and grabs the ball out of the air.]
AMIR: Ohh!
[Everybody stops.]
AMIR: Air Jordan, fuckers!
JAKE: You're not playing.
AMIR: I got winner.
JAKE: We're not keeping score.
AMIR: Y'all are a bunch of Lisa Leslies... and I'm Rebecca Lobo!
VINCENT: More like Rebecca Hobo!
[Amir throws the Nerf ball forcefully at Vincent's windpipe.]
VINCENT: [struggling to breathe] You killed me!
[Vincent falls to the floor.]
AMIR: Who else has anything to say about my personal appearance, or my persona? In fact... who here thinks I'm a persona non grata?
PAT: What does that mean?
[Amir throws another ball, which hits Pat in the forehead.]
PAT: ...I'm dead...
[Pat falls to the floor as well.]
AMIR: [procuring another ball] Looks like y'all need one more.
JAKE: Two more.
AMIR: [tossing the ball to Jake] Take it out. I'll go Jew on one.
ELAINE: Technically, it would be two on Jew.
[Amir lunges at Elaine, and Jake holds him back.]
JAKE: No. No, no. Dude.
AMIR: Let me bite her! Let me bite her!
JAKE: [shoving Amir back] Stop, dude! Stop it!
AMIR: It's clear to me what's going on. I can take a hint. Y'all don't want me here. Right?
JAKE: It's not a hint-- right! Of course not! We hate you. Leave!
AMIR: Play me for it.
JAKE: Excuse me?
AMIR: The court. Play me for it. One take. One ball. One play. Winner take all. You make it, you take it. Playground rules.
[Amir takes off his shirt. His abdomen is censored for some reason.]
JAKE: Jesus Christ.
[Vincent gets back up.]
VINCENT: You know, the swelling on my larynx is actually subsiding--
[Amir throws another ball at Vincent's throat.]
VINCENT: Not again!
[Vincent falls back to the floor.]
AMIR: [tossing yet another ball to Elaine] Come at me.
[Amir runs and punches Elaine in the face.]
AMIR: Ohhh!
ELAINE: My schnoz!
[Amir headbutts one of Jake's teeth in, and takes a shot at the net.]
AMIR: Boom, baby!
[The shot misses.]
AMIR: Wooooo!
JAKE: You missed it!
AMIR: Doesn't matter! I win!
JAKE: No you don't!
AMIR: Playground rules!
JAKE: You broke my tooth! You didn't score!
[Pat gets up.]
PAT: He has a point, Jake.
JAKE: What are you talking about? No he doesn't! Redemption shot, from way downtown!
[Jake successfully makes a shot.]
AMIR: Nah. DQ. I don't think so. Flagrant.
VINCENT: [getting up] Poor form, Jake.
JAKE: Vinny, he almost killed you!
VINCENT: It was well within the confines of the game!
JAKE: No it wasn't!
AMIR: Go home, Jake.
PAT: Yeah. Go home, Jake.
JAKE: Excuse me.
VINCENT: Yeah. Go home, Jake.
AMIR: Go home, Jake.
[Pat, Amir, Vincent, and Elaine all chant in unison.]
ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake!
JAKE: What are you doing?
[Ben Schwartz appears, and joins in.]
JAKE: Whoa, wait, this--
[Jake begins backing toward the door. Boom mics are visible.]
ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake!
JAKE: Relax... okay. Let me leave!
ALL: Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake! Go home Jake!
JAKE: C'mon. Hey-- you're breaking the fourth wall! Sam's not gonna like this! Let me leave! Sam's not gonna like this!
[Jake is in Sam's office, showing him the video up until that point. Chanting can still be heard from the screen.]
SAM: I don't like this. Go home, Jake.
JAKE: Wait, what?
END