INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching a very green episode of Jake and Amir!
JAKE: Nice one.
AMIR: What?
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir has a pair of shears, and is trimming a large potted plant.]
JAKE: So you're not even pretending that you do work for the company anymore?
AMIR: Work is fun, but I've actually been pretty into hobbies recently, horticulture being the latest. I like... masturbating and shrimp quite a bit.
JAKE: One of those is a hobby. The other is jerking off, and the third is just a sea creature.
AMIR: Masturbating might actually be my favorite. [chuckles]
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: Do we have, um... a hose?
JAKE: Why don't you just do your work, for the day?
AMIR: [pointing the shears at Jake] Sorry, can I ask you-- how much a week do you spend on produce?
JAKE: Don't point the s--
AMIR: [waving the shears wildly at Jake as he points] I'm serious. How much a week do you spend on produce?
JAKE: Alright. Doesn't look like you have a good grip on the shears there, so don't-- [Amir drops the shears on his desk] yeah, don't gesticulate with them like that.
AMIR: [picking up the shears, pointing them at Jake again] I really want to know, dude!
JAKE: Ten bucks.
AMIR: Wow! ...Really! That's... that's nothing! ...Where do you shop?
JAKE: How much did you spend on gardening supplies?
[There is a long, awkward silence.]
JAKE: See, at this point, I know whatever you say is a lie--
AMIR: Nine.
JAKE: --'cause you spent--
AMIR: Bucks.
JAKE: --too long.
AMIR: Dude.
[Jake stares incredulously at Amir, who waggles his eyebrows at Jake.]
AMIR: You know what? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize for having a green thumb!
[Amir gives Jake a thumbs-up. His thumb is a sickly green color.]
JAKE: Oh! Too green! That's infected!
AMIR: [emptying a bag of fertilizer onto his desk and laptop] Believe it or not, I'm actually growing the ingredients one would need to make a salad!
JAKE: I don't believe that-- hey, man, that smells awful.
AMIR: It's, uh, basil, ficus... manure...
JAKE: ...Terrible salad.
AMIR: Yeah. A lot of salads actually taste like shit, but I hear they're pretty good for you. Here, look.
[Amir shoves a handful of manure into his mouth.]
JAKE: Ohh, don't! Dude, no!
AMIR: [through a mouthful of manure] This one tastes like horse manure, actually!
JAKE: That actually is horse manure!
AMIR: [with his mouth full] Sure tastes like it! [chuckles]
JAKE: It is it!
AMIR: [chewing the manure, slightly taken aback] ...What are you talking about, man?
JAKE: Fertilizer, idiot! You're eating fertilizer!
AMIR: [with his mouth full] And?
JAKE: And it's shit! You're eating shit!
AMIR: [yelling, still with his mouth full] So why didn't you say so!
JAKE: [yelling] I did! I am!
AMIR: [yelling through manure] Before I ate it, idiot!
JAKE: [yelling] Why haven't you spit it out yet?
AMIR: [swallowing most of the manure] Because it's good for ya, see?
JAKE: ...Jesus.
AMIR: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have some shrimp.
[Amir holds up a bowl of shrimp.]
AMIR: [drooling, grabbing a shrimp] And if you need me, I'll be in the men's room!
JAKE: You can't masturbate in the office.
AMIR: Very well, then!
END