[Clips from the previous episode.]
CAPTION: Previously On "Jake and Amir"
AMIR: I got us an amazing real estate agent, who will find us an amazing apartment!
BEN SCHWARTZ: My name is Cherry Dude!
AMIR: We don't want to live in a muffin!
BEN: I do have one other listing, but it is absolutely terrible.
INTRO
BEN: Welcome to Part Two of Juke and Aboot!
[Amir chuckles.]
JAKE: "Juke and Aboot"?
AMIR: It's close enough.
[Jake, Amir, and Ben enter a very nice apartment.]
BEN: I can't believe we're even in this place. Look at it. It's a dump. [sarcastically] It comes with all the furniture... ugh, and do you smell that? You might want to clog your nose. It smells like fruit.
JAKE: ...It smells great.
BEN: Well, if you love the smell of this, I got a muffin on Fairfax that'll drive ya wild!
AMIR: We don't want to live inside of a muffin.
BEN: Can we leave, please?
JAKE: Let's move on. See the rest of this place.
[Jake puts his hands on Ben's shoulders. Ben pushes them off.]
BEN: Another one of the countless things wrong with this place: the TV doesn't even work. [cut to reveal that he's referring to a Foosball table] It's all in black and white, and it only plays soccer.
JAKE: This is a Foosball table.
BEN: [doing a British accent] Whatever you call it in England, Your Majesty!
[Ben jabs Jake in the crotch with one of the bars of the table.]
JAKE: Ow!
[Jake jabs him back.]
BEN: [dreamily] Ahhhhhh...
[Ben jabs Amir in the crotch. Amir cackles.]
BEN: Wipeout! ...Please say we're done.
JAKE: Let's move on!
[Ben groans loudly in exasperation.]
[Jake, Amir, and Ben all sit down on a bed. Ben's hand is where Jake sits down.]
JAKE: Oh! In me!
[Ben pulls his hand away, licks his finger, then licks Jake's chest.]
JAKE: Ah! On me!
BEN: Here's another guest bedroom, but what's the point of having a bed in a room?
AMIR: Thank you!
JAKE: You're a bad realtor, man.
BEN: And you're a bad boy! [reaches over at Jake, infringing on his personal space]
JAKE: Ugh, get off me! When did you get your license?
BEN: Hmm. [counting on his fingers] I mean honestly, I can't even count--
JAKE: Just tell me the year.
BEN: No. I don't know how to count.
JAKE: Ah.
BEN: I don't know how to count. But, let's all get up! Three, two, heel!
[Jake, Amir, and Ben are in the home theater.]
BEN: And here, we have your own personal movie theater, but what's the point of jerking off in a movie theater if strangers aren't like "Hey! Hey, this is Frozen! Stop doing that! Cool dick, dude!"
JAKE: Did anyone say that second part?
BEN: Moving on.
AMIR: Whoa, that toilet felt great! It was like a massage chair.
BEN: S-- you know what, I think you probably just took a shit on the masseuse.
AMIR: Oh, no.
BEN: Yeah. Did he talk?
AMIR: Yeah, yeah.
BEN: Different language?
AMIR: Mm-hmm.
BEN: Was his name Sven?
AMIR: [simultaneously] Sven? Yeah. Damn it.
BEN: I can't believe he just let you shit on him... here we go. [leaves]
AMIR: That's so dumb of me.
JAKE: Yeah.
AMIR: Even for me. That's dumb.
BEN: So, we have seen apartments today; do we know which way we are leaning?
JAKE: Yeah. I think it's pretty obvious.
BEN: [open-mouth chewing as he talks] Yeah. I think so.
AMIR: Agreed.
JAKE: Yeah.
BEN: No need to say it!
AMIR: Mum's the word! We're all on the same page.
BEN: We know which one to get!
JAKE: I think so too.
BEN: But just in case, should we say it?
AMIR: No.
BEN: Don't need to.
AMIR: Don't need to.
BEN: 'Cause we got it.
AMIR: Exactly.
[Cut to a muffin sitting on a square of artificial turf. Jake and Amir can be heard, presumably from inside the muffin.]
JAKE: Are you fucking serious?
AMIR: I know! How amazing is this blueberry sun roof?
JAKE: It's bad!
AMIR: It's fun! It's--
JAKE: It's fun?
AMIR: It's friendly; it's different.
JAKE: To live here, in a muffin?
AMIR: Then get out! If you don't want to live here, get out.
JAKE: Fine. Bye.
AMIR: Aaaaaah. Don't go anywhere.
JAKE: Where's the door? It's a muffin.
END