INTRO
BEN: Hey, you're watching Adele Dazeem and Amir, on CollegeHabbaps.
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: It's fine!
[Jake and Amir approach the front door of an apartment.]
AMIR: [sighs] So, I got us an amazing real estate agent, who will find us an amazing apartment!
JAKE: Awesome, man. What's his name?
[Ben Schwartz shows up, as real estate agent.]
BEN: Oh, my name?
JAKE: Jesus Christ.
BEN: It's funny you ask, 'cause I have a very ordinary name, and you've never met me before, so I can understand why you'd ask, so do you want to hear it?
JAKE: You shouldn't have to clarify--
BEN: My name-- here it comes --my name is Cherry Dude! ...Cherry... Dude!
JAKE: Nobody announces a name like that.
AMIR: [singing] Nobody does it better!
BEN: [joining in] ...it better!
JAKE: ...I hated that.
[Ben sniffs at Jake.]
JAKE: I'm gonna go.
BEN: [motioning for Jake to wait] I think you'll find that the door is locked.
JAKE: I'm outside, so, I'm good.
[Ben tries to open the door, but it is locked.]
BEN: Aaah. It's the door that I need to open!
[Amir laughs. Ben laughs back, then taps Jake in the nuts. Jake recoils in pain.]
BEN: Well! I will be back with a key, and a donut! Okay?
AMIR: [laughing] I told you he was the best!
CAPTION: 3 HOURS LATER
[Ben comes running back to the door, holding a donut but no key.]
BEN: [singing] Here I come to save the day! [laughs] Look what I brought.
[Ben mashes the donut into the doorknob's keyhole.]
JAKE: Did you forget the key?
BEN: I forgot the key!
JAKE: You ruined a donut.
BEN: I ruined a donut! [wiping his hands] I'll be back-- with a donut!
JAKE: With a key.
BEN: With a key.
JAKE: Key.
BEN: I'll be back with a key.
JAKE: Right?
BEN: Right.
AMIR: And a donut!
BEN: And--
JAKE: Just a key!
BEN: Oh, just a key this time!
JAKE: [to Amir] It confuses him.
BEN: It confuses us.
CAPTION: 19 HOURS LATER
[Ben comes running back again.]
BEN: This time I remembered... [holding up another donut] the key!
JAKE: It's a donut--
BEN: [mashing the donut into the keyhole] That's a donut. [sighs in frustration]
JAKE: God damn you.
[Ben blows into the upper keyhole, and gently opens the door.]
BEN: [singing] If you want to view paradise...
JAKE: What the fuck...? How did you do that?
[Ben guides them inside. There are tarps and a ladder by the entrance.]
BEN: Now I know you haven't eaten in the past twenty-four hours, but feast your eyes on this!
[Ben motions to the terrible-looking apartment.]
JAKE: Right, I know that's a joke, but I am very, very hungry.
BEN: Then feast your mouth on this!
[Ben holds out a muffin, and Amir immediately slaps it out of his hand.]
AMIR: We can't live in a muffin, you idiot!
BEN: Moving on!
JAKE: [to Amir] I would have eaten that.
BEN: Now let me give you a little info on the place. [As he speaks, he tries to put his arm around Jake, but Jake keeps fighting him off.] We're currently inside a five-bedroom, six-bathroom colonial townhouse, in Williamsburg, Virginia.
JAKE: Alright, can you stop doing that? We're not in a townhouse.
BEN: Okay, that's my fault. It's the wrong listing. [flipping through listings] Aaah! Here we are inside a blueberry muffin.
AMIR: What?
BEN: Is that wrong too?
AMIR: Yeah.
BEN: Okay, let's back 'er up. Aaah! [puts his arm around Jake's neck, pulls Jake toward him]
JAKE: Can--
BEN: We're currently inside a shithole in Crack City, USA.
AMIR: Oh, very cool!
BEN: Moving on! [laughs suggestively]
BEN: Do you guys like bathrooms?
AMIR: Uh, yeah!
BEN: Ohhhh, damn it.
JAKE: Why.
BEN: This place has zero bathrooms.
AMIR: That's okay.
JAKE: How do you shit?
BEN: What I do is I take a shot of moisturizer, and I get real wide, get over a toilet and go like this: [chanting] Hakuna matata. Haaaaaakuna matata! Nothing happens. That's just to scare it, to get ready. Cut to seventeen hours later: I'm in my bed, shittin' my balls off. Moving on!
BEN: I shouldn't tell you this--
AMIR: Oooooh, do it--
BEN: Okay, fine! Do you want to know who lived here before you guys?
JAKE: Sure.
BEN: Have you heard of a little band called the Rolling Stones?
AMIR: Uh, yeah.
BEN: Well, the serial killer who lived here loves the Rolling Stones. Played it while he killed people!
JAKE: Wait, a serial killer lived here?
BEN: Lives here. Moving on!
AMIR: Ooh!
JAKE: What?
AMIR: Whoa, a raven.
BEN: Oh, I forgot to ask you! Oh, no! Do you guys have any pets?
JAKE: No, we don't.
BEN: Ohh-ho-ho! Good, 'cause this place already has way too many pets.
AMIR: Where are they?
BEN: They're at work.
JAKE/AMIR: Work?
BEN: Yeah. Uh, you never seen a rat be a chef before?
JAKE: That was in a cartoon.
BEN: Yes! But a dog animated it.
AMIR: Moving on!
BEN: Just like the movie "Willy Wonka", the walls taste like things.
AMIR: [licking the wall] This one tastes like glue and paint!
BEN: [licking the wall] This one tastes like asbestos!
JAKE: How do you know what asbestos tas--
BEN: [yelling, trailing off] The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
AMIR: So how much does this place cost?
BEN: Ten--
AMIR: Ooh!
BEN: --thousand--
AMIR: Aww.
BEN: -dollars--
AMIR: Ooh!
BEN: --a week.
AMIR: Aww.
JAKE: This place is disgusting.
BEN: Well, I do have two other listings.
AMIR: We don't want to live in a muffin!
BEN: I do have one other listing, but it is absolutely terrible.
JAKE: Then we're not gonna see it.
BEN: But there wouldn't be a Part Two if we didn't see it!
AMIR: Let's do it!
END