INTRO
JAKE: [cheerily] Hello! You're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: [chuckling, imitating Jake in a nasal voice] "Hello! You're w--" ...you sound bad, dude!
JAKE: No.
[Jake is outside, writing and eating lunch. Amir and Murph come up behind him, wearing oven mitts and carrying a giant pot of pea soup.]
AMIR: Who wants soup?
AMIR/MURPH: April Fools!
[Amir and Murph dump all of the soup on top of Jake, who lets out a blood-curdling scream.]
[Cut to Jake lying on his stomach on a stretcher. His shirt is off, and his back is covered in cloth bandages. Amir walks over to him.]
AMIR: I know you're not mad at me, okay, but I can't help but feel that you're a little bit pissed at the day.
JAKE: I'm mad at you.
AMIR: Whoa! Did not expect or deserve that tongue-lashing!
JAKE: You know what I didn't expect or deserve? To be burned alive. Leave me alone.
AMIR: Fine!
[Amir stops talking, but doesn't leave. He looks around idly for a bit, then bends over and puts his face next to Jake.]
AMIR: Want to know the worst part?
JAKE: I know the worst part. It was the feeling of the flesh falling off my back, after--
AMIR: It's that April Fools is like ruined now almost. [standing back up] Not in a good way, either.
JAKE: How can you ruin something in a good way?
AMIR: I'm just saying that I feel like every April you'll be reminded of this little snafu, and I won't be able to play another epic prank on you without this green cloud hovering over us!
JAKE: Yeah, you know what, dude? I think I will remember this every April. I'll remember this every week, every day, for the rest of my life. I will never forgive, never forget--
AMIR: Today just got sucks.
JAKE: Today got sucks when you scalded my back with soup.
[Murph shows up.]
MURPH: 'Sup, Jake. ...Making Amir feel bad again?
JAKE: Leave me alone, Murphy! Alright? My back really kills.
MURPH: [leaning over, whispering to Jake] I think that you owe Amir an apology.
JAKE: [whispering] What? Why?
[Murph stands up, and rips one of the bandages off of Jake's back.]
JAKE: [screaming] Owwwww, I'm sorry!
MURPH: [leaning over] I don't think Amir could hear you.
JAKE: [whimpering] Ohh...
MURPH: Because you were yelling like a bitch.
AMIR: I guess kinda I could hear him...
JAKE: [high-pitched stammering] Yeah, he could hear me! Hear that? He said he could hear me!
AMIR: ...though Murph does raise a good point that it was a little bit masked by, b-- by the, by the bitchly screaming.
MURPH: So let's try that again, Jake. [Jake whimpers again] This time, without the bitchly screaming.
JAKE: Weak! I'm so--
[Murph tears another bandage off.]
JAKE: [screaming, crying] Owwwwwww!
MURPH: Amir, do you accept that?
AMIR: I mostly do, but maybe not completely, because he didn't finish the sentence. He was like, "I'm sorr-- aaaaah!"
JAKE: Man, this is so fucked! Even for you guys! ...It's too dark! I don't like this!
MURPH: Amir, should we give Jake one more chance to apologize like a man... [leaning down to Jake] and not scream like a bitch?
AMIR: I don't want him to get hurt--
JAKE: Good, man! You hear that? He doesn't want me to get hurt!
AMIR: --though, on the other hand, everybody does deserve a second chance, and maybe another rip will give Jake that opportunity.
MURPH: [to Jake] Everyone deserves a second... [ripping off another bandage] chance!
JAKE: [screaming] Owwwww, God, no, no! What's wrong with you, you sick fucking... it--...
[Murph is massaging Jake's back, the skin of which is surprisingly intact and undamaged.]
JAKE: ...I feel... I, I... I feel no pain. What are you doing?
MURPH: [smiling calmly] I'm applying warming jelly to your back. Jake, the soup wasn't burning hot... it was freezing cold. [Amir nods] You went into shock, and... we told you your body was covered in third-degree burns. [staring off into the distance, still massaging Jake] It's funny, you know? You're always wondering what to expect... maybe you should start expecting what to wonder.
JAKE: ...Y--... y-- you still ruined my clothes.
MURPH: Oh shit, I'm sorry.
END