INTRO
JAKE: Hello, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Wow, hamming it up much!
JAKE: Jesus.
AMIR: Diva!
[Jake and Amir are at their desks.]
AMIR: Holy guac! These Bitcoin things are ridinky-donky! I gotta have one, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bad!
JAKE: Stop it. Do you even know what a Bitcoin is?
AMIR: Yeah, the future of everything! [Making excessive air-quotes] You know "money"? Bitcoin is like "money", but, um... "better".
JAKE: You're overusing your air-quotes. Why do you think Bitcoin is better than money?
AMIR: Because it's worth more than cash! ...Ya jackash! One Bitcoin is currently worth four hundred and fifty... cash!
JAKE: Right, you're using that word wrong. A Bitcoin is worth four hundred and fifty dollars.
AMIR: Which, last time I checked, was still more than the one hundred [perfect Jake impression] "dollars." that I bought it for six months ago, so.
JAKE: You know what, man? You are exactly what's wrong with Bitcoin. You and your speculator friends are just treating it like a stock, [Pat walks by] hoarding Kingcoin, waiting for the price to go up so you can sell it to the next jackash at a profit!
PAT: Jake, sorry... didn't you buy, like, ten Bitcoin a few months ago, when they were selling for twelve hundred a coin?
JAKE: Yeah, dude! 'Cause I believe in Bitcoin!
PAT: Why?
JAKE: Um, 'cause it's the future of everything? [pulls a weird face]
AMIR: [laughing] I love you!
PAT: How is it the future of everything?
JAKE: [holding up one finger] Oh, um, it's untraceable! For one! Untraceable! [Amir also holds up a finger]
PAT: Meaning...
JAKE: Meaning it's worth more than cash! ...Jackash!
[Amir cracks up silently.]
PAT: And how is cash traceable?
JAKE: And, um, Pat? [doing the Robot, singing in a robot voice] It's digital. It's digital. [Amir dances too] It is digital. Bitcoin's digital.
PAT: How are dollars traceable?
JAKE: And, um, to my final point: [mimes pushing glasses up the bridge of his nose] It is, um, an online cryptocurrency, Mr. Cassels, so, uh... Hurwitz! From way downtown!
[Jake lobs a tennis ball at Pat, who moves out of the way.]
PAT: Jesus!
AMIR: Oh-ho, swish!
JAKE: Hey, Amir! Why don't you tell this pasty Jew what we do to jackashes!
PAT: I'm not Jewish.
AMIR: I am, ya jackash!
JAKE: [motioning Amir over] Buddy... I think you should lift me up.
AMIR: ...What?
JAKE: I just swished the game-winning three, so I think it's only fair that you come over here, lift me up like a champion, and give me your Bitcoin.
AMIR: Excuse me.
[Jake puts his arms out, expecting to be lifted up. Amir walks over.]
AMIR: Uh... okay...
PAT: This is absurd.
[Jake hoists himself up and wraps his legs around Amir's waist like a small child would.]
AMIR: Oh! You're h-- ...you're heavy!
JAKE: No I'm not!
PAT: This is so weird.
JAKE: What's your Coinbase login and password? We're gonna sign in, we're gonna move all your Bitcoin over to my digital wallet.
AMIR: I thought you said you already had Bitcoin!
JAKE: I did have Bitcoin, and it was in MtGox. It was hacked and now it's gone. [pause] Alright, I made the three. It was from downtown.
AMIR: You're hurting my back!
JAKE: Then let me down!
[Amir puts Jake down. Jake sniffles and wipes away a tear.]
JAKE: 'Cause you let me down. [leaves]
AMIR: ...I'm sorry!
PAT: Hey, Amir, you know, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for standing up to that, uh... really weird bullying.
AMIR: That weird bullying was the highlight of my life! ...Jackash!
END