INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Did you miss me?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Fine. Jeez. Heh, ouch.
[Amir is at his desk in the LA office, with his head buried in his hands. Jake enters, and Amir lets out a loud, accusatory yelp.]
AMIR: Where the fuck have you been?
JAKE: What are you talking about?
AMIR: What am I talking about? You weren't here last week! ...So I assumed you'd be gone forever!
JAKE: Why on Earth would you assume that? Didn't I make a pretty big deal out of staying here?
AMIR: I guess not clear enough!
JAKE: Holy shit, dude. I take one week off... one week off in the last eight years, and you're putting me on blast for that.
AMIR: Forget it, okay? What... what printer are you connected to?
JAKE: Printer?
AMIR: [leaning over Jake's computer and pointing, screaming] Printer! What printer are you connected to?
JAKE: Easy-- ...does it with the Air. Okay? It's a delicate device.
AMIR: Don't tell me...! [trails off into high-pitched, incredulous laughter]
JAKE: Is that a sentence, that you--
AMIR: Don't tell me you're not connected to a printer!
JAKE: ...I'm not connected to a printer--
AMIR: [immediately picking up the phone] Hi. IT? Yeah, this is Jake Amir Blumenfeldwitz from the fifth floor? [lifting an old printer onto his desk] I have a brand new, heavily used 1982 Inkjet printer!
JAKE: How is that brand new?
AMIR: Brand new ink! [on the phone] Sorry. [to Jake again] Brand new ink! Okay? Yeah, the cyan was replaced last week, but the yellow and magenta are butt-old!
JAKE: So then the ink's not brand new either.
AMIR: [on the phone] That's right, I desire to connect. So why don't you come upstairs and hook a printa up!
JAKE: You know, there's a lot of mouse droppings in there.
AMIR: That's right!
JAKE: What do you even need to print?
AMIR: Travel much?
JAKE: What?
AMIR: Boarding passes... asses! Or do you check in curbside!
JAKE: When is the last time you flew?
[The IT guy shows up.]
IT GUY: Hey, if you want to print, just select the default printer from the server here.
AMIR: Oh, okay, yeah, connect to your server? So you can jack my shit, jack my boarding passes?
JAKE: Come on.
AMIR: [chuckling] Soon you'll be... spending cross-cuntinental trips on my dime? Wh-wha-what, Christmas in Maui? Easter in Hanoi? Arbor Day in the Thimble Islands, all care of Dr. and Mrs. Blumenfeld!
JAKE: How is that your dime, then?
AMIR: [to the IT guy] Let me ask you a question, good sir, now that you're here...
[He hits a key, and an Arnold Schwarzenegger soundbite plays.]
ARNOLD: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
IT GUY: This is a company computer. We already have all your information.
[Amir hits a key.]
ARNOLD: You want to fuck with me?
IT GUY: Okay, fine. I'll connect the printer.
JAKE: Hey, watch out, dude. There's a mouse in there.
[The IT guy jumps back, but the mouse jumps onto him.]
AMIR: No!
IT GUY: Oh, he got me!
JAKE: Oh, no!
AMIR: [emulating Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent] Oh, it's not a tumor!
END