INTRO
AMIR: [singing] Viva... Las Jake and! Amir! Damn it.
JAKE: Bad execution. Bad idea.
AMIR: Keep it rolling!
[Amir is in a bathtub in a fancy hotel suite, where a bikini-clad girl is massaging his shoulders. Jake comes in.]
AMIR: I woke up in a used Bugatti!
JAKE: We have to leave!
AMIR: Excuse us.
JAKE: Yeah, actually, you know what? Excuse us. Can me and Amir talk alone for a second?
AMIR: Whoa! Anything you can say in front of me, you can say in front of Kat!
LYDIA: Uh, my name's Lydia.
AMIR: Sorry. [to Jake] In front of Kat!
JAKE: Lydia.
AMIR: Who?
JAKE: You know what, forget it. You showed up on the casino floor last night, drunker than I've ever seen anyone.
AMIR: I was blackout... with my cack out!
JAKE: Yes, it was. You were wearing a leather jacket, a French beret, and nothing else.
[Amir lifts his crotch out of the water. He's completely naked.]
AMIR: Oh yeah!
JAKE: [disgusted] Oh! Warts!
AMIR: No!
JAKE: You jumped on the roulette table, instantly pulled your hamstring, but you decided to power through.
[Amir smirks at Lydia.]
JAKE: You said "I'm the maitre d'! Who wants fish and chips?" You pointed up at the rafters, like a weakling Babe Ruth, you pulled out a flounder or a... or a sea bass or something...
[Amir is now wearing Lydia's shades over his glasses.]
JAKE: You tossed a thousand dollars' worth of chips in the air, and you hit it across the casino floor like... l-- like you were, like you were playing Tee Ball or something!
[Amir and Lydia laugh. Lydia is wearing Amir's glasses, and her shades are missing.]
JAKE: Then, you tried to charge what you thought was the mound, and you ended up hitting an elderly Walmart greeter on vacation with her dying husband. Closed-fisted.
AMIR: [wearing both glasses and shades again] Flounder!
JAKE: I said flounder!
AMIR: [wearing just his normal glasses] You said sea bass! ...Sea bass!
JAKE: Security was called, but you were covered in fish grease, naturally, so you were able to slip through their arms. The pit boss announced a rousing game of "catch the slimy Jew", and a group of Asian businessmen bet against you, and won, when you ran full-speed, head-first into a Sex and the City slot machine.
AMIR: That was a classic Samantha move. I'll admit it. I'll be the first to admit it!
JAKE: There was a deafening crack, [Amir pulls a face] and everybody started to surround what they were sure-- what they hoped, actually-- was a dead body...
[Amir is wearing the glasses and shades again.]
JAKE: ...until you awoke mid-sentence, suing the casino, which I guess is when they upgraded you to this ridiculous suite.
AMIR: [with normal glasses] Thus concludes your tale of woe and worry, but alas, everything worked in the end! [picks up a handful of bubbles] Bubble bath! Bubble bubble bubble bath. [blows them at Jake]
JAKE: No it didn't! Security took you up here and started showing you suite after suite, but it was clear that you had taken this... miraculous turn of events for... more than granted! You kept on claiming "none of these rooms are Mac Daddy enough!" Finally, in this one, you demanded to know whether the balcony was stable or not. When the concierge went out there, you locked the door behind her...
[Amir smirks at Lydia, who is wearing his glasses.]
JAKE: ...and then, in a final brazen act of cowardice, you tried to set the room on fire. Unsuccessfully.
AMIR: [with his normal glasses] Except I burned my finger, okay? If I may be so bold as to ask: how is that fair?
JAKE: That is a bold question, but it is actually not fair, because in a fair world, you would be dead.
AMIR: You don't have to be a roach about it!
JAKE: Finally, delirious with anger or maybe possessed by the devil, you barrel-rolled down the escalator back onto the casino floor, in nothing but an open bathrobe and a cowboy hat. You yelled "I'm gonna buy a blood diamond worth of blow! Who's coming back to my room with me?"
[Amir blows more bubbles toward Jake.]
JAKE: That's when Lydia-- who, I'm just gonna say this, 'cause you said I could say anything I wanted to in front of her: Lydia, I can only assume you're a garbage-can whore-- came back up to the room. By the way, honey, there's no blow up here. So I'm sorry to disappoint you, but--
[Lydia jumps out of the tub and begins strangling Jake.]
LYDIA: What did you say? [to Amir] You promised! [continues screaming at Jake]
JAKE: What? [to Amir] You said I could say anything I wanted to in front of her!
AMIR: Kat! I said you could say anything you wanted to in front of Kat! That's Lydia! She's a feisty one. This [gesturing to another bikini-clad girl showing up] is Kat!
KAT: Did you say something about Lydia, motherfucker?
[Kat begins yelling at Jake and choking him as well.]
END