INTRO
AMIR: Y'all are watchin' Jake and Amir! And we're in Texas!
JAKE: Terrible accent.
AMIR: Sorry, y'all.
CAPTION: Somewhere in Texas...
[Jake and Amir are in a diner, eating. Amir slaps Jake's hand multiple times to knock the french fry out of it and to get Jake's attention.]
AMIR: You think I can name ten thousand people?
JAKE: Why did you do that?
AMIR: Easy. Bill Clinton. Bill Nye! ...Um... what's-his-face. The, uh... fucking guy.
[Jake watches Amir incredulously.]
AMIR: Fucking what's his name?
JAKE: I'm not gonna give this one to you.
AMIR: He won an Oscar? And a pretty good one! Scorcheh? ...Mike Scorch, or some shit like that.
JAKE: Scorsese?
AMIR: How many is that?
JAKE: You had two, and then you failed to name Martin Scorsese.
AMIR: That's it. Scorzizzy.
JAKE: Wrong.
AMIR: So, uh... [pause] oh! Duh. My fucking dad! ...Your dad!
JAKE: What are their names?
AMIR: I don't know their names. I said I can say ten thousand people! Say!
JAKE: You said "name".
AMIR: 'Cause I know their names too!
JAKE: Fine. What's your dad's name?
[Amir spits a bit of french fry at Jake.]
JAKE: Ohh! Come on.
AMIR: Merith!
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: Mart!
JAKE: You can't even say the same fake name twice in a row! How impossibly dumb are you?
AMIR: How about you're the scorekeeper! So shut your trap--
JAKE: Really?
AMIR: --and say what my score is!
JAKE: Okay. Bill Clinton. Bill Nye. I'll give you half a point for Scorsese, and half a point for two dads, one of them being yours, that you couldn't name.
AMIR: Oh! The... fucking guy! [laughing]
JAKE: [mock laughing] It's still not a revelation. You don't know the name!
AMIR: The... chick! She's married to the dude! From the house? From the house?
JAKE: From what house?
AMIR: The White House! Ever heard of it?
JAKE: You-- name the President, then! And the First Lady! Go ahead! Should not be hard.
AMIR: That's five.
JAKE: How is it five?
AMIR: Alright, you know what? New game, Hitler.
JAKE: That's a person. You could have named Hitler.
AMIR: [fanning out a deck of cards] Name a card, and I guarantee I can find it in two seconds.
JAKE: ...Ace of spades.
AMIR: [immediately dropping the fan] Shit! Oh, no! Which one? Which one? Say it again!
JAKE: Ace of spades-- and time. Okay? Time, I think.
AMIR: No, no no no no no no no! Give me two seconds!
JAKE: You already asked for two seconds!
AMIR: Well congratulations, David Blaine!
JAKE: Another person.
AMIR: You chose the one card in the deck that's borderline impossible to find!
JAKE: [picking up the ace of spades] It's right here!
AMIR: Ooh, impressed much?
JAKE: That was impressively bad. I mean holy shit, it took you way longer than two seconds, and you never found the card!
AMIR: Couldn't have chosen the four of clubs? [holding up a four of clubs] The one that's staring me dead in the eyes as soon as I flip the deck over? Didn't want to make it too easy on ol' Blumes, did ya?
JAKE: How was I supposed to know what card you were gonna see first?
AMIR: You know I've had a shit life, man.
JAKE: Alright, tell you what. I'll pay for lunch.
AMIR: Thank you, Mother Teresa.
JAKE: You know, you've named more people by accident than you could when you were playing the game.
AMIR: [picking up Jake's card] Ace of spades! Found it!
[Jake walks over to the counter.]
AMIR: Also, I thought of a few new names.
[Jake checks his phone. His texts with Ricky show up. It reads:]
[RICKY: In Ibiza brb / JAKE: K...? / Ricky sends a picture of the ballot hat from "Relocation" / RICKY: Don't show this to Amir lol]
[Jake opens the picture. It reveals that every ballot had "LA" written on it.]
AMIR: Um... Ace... Spade?
[Jake looks back at Amir. A waitress has approached him and become involved in Amir's game.]
AMIR: Diva, roach, ass! It's-- you couldn't have given me the four of clubs, make it a little easy on this guy, you know? [chuckling] I've actually had a pretty shit life.
WAITRESS: I'm sorry.
AMIR: It's fine. It's not your fault, it's just that... why'd you have to say Jack? Those are the hardest little jokers to find!
WAITRESS: I didn't even specify a suit. Shouldn't be that hard. I see two Jacks right there.
AMIR: Where?
JAKE: [coming back] Hey man.
AMIR: Hey man. Sorry, one second. Waitress gave me a tough one, actually!
[The waitress sneaks away.]
JAKE: Tell you what, man. I'll play again.
AMIR: ...Yeah?
JAKE: How about... four of clubs?
[Amir smiles. He looks down at the pile of cards, and then his smile turns into a look of panic. He paws at the cards.]
AMIR: No... No!
CAPTION: To Be Continued...
END