INTRO
AMIR: [singing] On the road again... just can't wait to get on--
JAKE: Alright, stop it-- You're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Wow.
[Jake and Amir are in New Orleans, on a balcony.]
CAPTION: New Orleans, LA
JAKE: Alright, man! To New Orleans!
AMIR: B'shanah haba'ah b'Yerushalayim: next year in Jerusalem, my friend!
[They toast with their shot glasses.]
JAKE: Cheers.
[They both down their shots.]
JAKE: Not bad, right? Tequila.
AMIR: I'm blind.
[In the cut forward, Amir's dress shirt has disappeared. He's now just wearing a white T-shirt.]
AMIR: How long before I feel the high? [singing] And speaking of pipes, I'm high!
JAKE: Drunk, is what you're gonna be feeling, and I think you already are, which is really fast. Most people need more than one sh--
AMIR: [singing] Shot through the heart! [laughs] We should do blow coke tonight. I'm serious, dude. [grabbing Jake's hand, interlocking their fingers] I know a guy.
[Amir's other shirt is back, draped around his shoulders.]
AMIR: [quickly] I want to eat drugs, roll face, rage face, suck face, fuck face, starting-- starting with her! [pointing] Okay. [shouting] Hey baby! You want some beads?
JAKE: Alright, you know what? That's an eight-year-old boy.
AMIR: That doesn't matter! If there's no grass on the field, play bald!
JAKE: Jump.
AMIR: Make me! [Jake grabs him] Murder!
[Amir now has beads. He's dancing and bumping into Jake.]
AMIR: My dad tried to kill me, that's a fuckin' problem! My dad tried to kill me, that's a fuckin' problem!
JAKE: Yeah, you know what? That is a really big fucking problem! Okay? And just... stop being so honest. Alright? It's ruining my night.
AMIR: Let's play a drinking game! Never have I ever: been happy! [puts his thumb up]
[Amir, now with a Bourbon Street T-shirt and different beads, is nearly falling asleep.]
JAKE: Wake up.
AMIR: [yelling groggily] Aaaaaa.
JAKE: Jesus. Just keep drinking the water, alright? Try and sober--
AMIR: Stop yelling, okay? I'm blackout, obviously!
AMIR: Never have I ever been to the equator or made anyone in my life smile or proud of me!
[Amir has many more beads.]
AMIR: Do you think I'm funny?
JAKE: Don't touch me-- no. You're not funny.
AMIR: I'm serious! I know you laugh at my jokes, [mock laughter] ha ha ha ha ha, but do you ever, like, sit down a day or two later, and think about something I said, and crack up to yourself? That's the type of shit that you do to me. [pause] That's the type of shit you do to me, I want to know if I do it to you!
JAKE: Stop it! No, I don't laugh at anything you say when you say it. You think I laugh at something you said later?
AMIR: Forget it!
[Amir's T-shirt is hanging loose from one of his shoulders.]
AMIR: I guess I'm a two-beer queer! Just don't tell my dad. He hates gay people!
JAKE: He sounds like a piece of shit.
AMIR: Say that again! Say that again, and I will knock you the fuck out!
JAKE: You know what, man? The shot that I gave you didn't have any alcohol in it. Okay?
AMIR: Talkin' about my dad!
JAKE: That wasn't tequila!
AMIR: You're clearly too high to have this conversation.
[Amir is snorting something off-screen. His shirt is half-off.]
JAKE: Don't don't don't--
AMIR: Woo!
JAKE: Alright, now we have to go to the hospital, 'cause you just blew a line of salt.
AMIR: [pinching his sinuses] Ohh, my sinii! Take me to Mount Sinai!
[Amir is missing his glasses and staring directly into the camera.]
AMIR: George Bush doesn't care about black people.
JAKE: Who are you talking to?
AMIR: I'm serious, man!
[Amir is still amassing beads.]
AMIR: Never have I ever hugged a bitch, been accepted by a bitch, or felt connected to a bitch! [to Jake, with an imaginary microphone] Why do you think that is?
JAKE: 'Cause you call them bitches?
AMIR: Ooh, wrong answer. Guess again.
JAKE: 'Cause you're an asshole.
AMIR: Enough.
AMIR: Avert your eyes, Cornholio, Daddy needs a new set of beads! [turning away from the camera, flashing his chest to the street below]
JAKE: [disgusted] Oh, my God! How do you have such saggy naturals?
AMIR: I'm actually down to clown with a lady of the night, if you catch my drift.
JAKE: A prostitute?
AMIR: A janitor! ...ess!
[Amir has his shirt wrapped around his head.]
AMIR: [doing an accent] We are being boarded by armed pirates! We are being boarded by armed pirates!
JAKE: I think it's time to go to bed.
[Amir is doing the shocker and flicking his tongue between his index and middle finger.]
JAKE: Alright, do you want alcohol or not?
AMIR: I'm good.
AMIR: And my dad hates me, he's got a fuckin' problem! And he won't return my call, I got a fuckin' problem...
JAKE: Hey-- whoa--
[Amir backs up and falls off the balcony. There's the sound of Amir landing on the hood of a car and setting off its alarm.]
AMIR: Never have I ever felt my spine...
CAPTION: To Be Continued...
END