INTRO
AMIR: [singing] On the road again... just can't wait to get on--
JAKE: Alright, stop it-- You're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Wow.
[The RV is parked at a gas station, and Jake is returning with a bag.]
[CAPTION: Somewhere in New Jersey...]
[Jake enters the RV. Amir is sitting inside with a big bottle of energy drink.]
JAKE: Hey.
AMIR: [in a weird voice] Oh hey there!
JAKE: [pulling a water bottle out of the bag] Got you water.
AMIR: [emptying a 5-hour Energy Shot into his bottle] Oh, no thanks. I think I'm good!
JAKE: That's, like, a pint of 5-hour Energy. I think you should hydrate.
AMIR: I butt-chugged a Dasani! At the Mason-Dixon line!
JAKE: We're in New Jersey.
AMIR: I'm sorry, if I had known you were gonna be a babysitter on this trip, I would have charged you $3.99 an hour and tried to kiss those milky white thighs on your way home!
JAKE: ...Did that happen to you?
AMIR: Unimportant. [holding up an atlas the wrong way, turned to a map of Australia] I've been doing some light map research...
JAKE: The map's upside-down and backwards.
AMIR: [flipping from Japan to the Middle East] Ever seen midnight in Marrakesh? The lights dance on the ocean, and reflect off the anus.
JAKE: We can't go to Morocco!
AMIR: Very well! [closes the atlas] We'll summer in Côte d'Ivoire, aka the Ivory Coast! Golden sunlight! Silver moonlight! All of it weaving together in a glowing tapestry that tugs at the anus.
JAKE: Alright, just... chill. Stop saying "anus". Will you name cities in America?
AMIR: Spain!
JAKE: Not in America. Not a city.
AMIR: Maine!
JAKE: Closer. Still not a city.
AMIR: [screwing up his face] Anal!
JAKE: And you've lost it completely-- change your mouth!
AMIR: Why are you being such an ass-cracker, okay? The world is our oyster!
JAKE: Just-- name cities in between here and Los Angeles, okay? New Orleans. Austin. Vegas.
AMIR: Pass, pass, ass. Okay? You know, I'm just gonna go to sleep if you're gonna be such a queen roach about it!
JAKE: I get it. Okay? You're angry, [Amir makes an angry face] you're sad, [Amir makes a sad face] you're scared. [Amir makes a scared face] You don't want to move to Los Angeles-- [Amir waggles his finger as if to say "no"] alright, that's enough with the active listening. Alright? Just let me talk-- but, look, it's happening no matter what, so... all we can do is make the most out of the next week that we have with each other. So what do you say? You want to have a cool adventure, or what?
AMIR: I love you so much!
JAKE: Alright, awesome. [Jake bro-shakes with Amir. Amir doesn't let go of his hand.]
AMIR: And you? Do you love me, brother?
JAKE: I think you're pretty cool, and I'm down for this adventure!
AMIR: [laughs] And in terms of love, [bouncing back and forth] where did you land on that debate?
JAKE: I... appreciate your love. Let's hit the road, huh?
AMIR: [laughs] Let's hit it so hard that we love each other for it!
JAKE: You're really hurting my hand at this point.
AMIR: Hurt it so much that it's... lovely?
JAKE: [yanking his hand away] Alright. What would it mean, after all that, if I said I love you now?
AMIR: I love you too.
JAKE: That's... not--
AMIR: [singing] Your love is taking me higher! [takes a swig of energy drink]
JAKE: A pint of sugar is making you higher, okay? Will you just chill? That's, like, forty-five hours of energy.
AMIR: [offscreen] No! Sleep! 'Till!--
[A pan back reveals that Amir has immediately passed out, in his underwear somehow.]
JAKE: Jesus.
[CAPTION: To Be Continued...]
AMIR: [snoring, talking in his sleep] Oh, don't kiss my thighs!
END