INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Or you can press stop and sta...
JAKE: [interupts] Yeah, why would you say that?
AMIR: I'm just saying, it's an option
[Jake is chilling on a couch. Amir enters the room abruptely and bluntly sits down next to him, while he is looking on an iPhone]
AMIR: Aah, dating apps! Rollcall! Go!
JAKE: Is that a first generation iPhone?
AMIR: I have 'Tinder', 'Hinge', 'Grindr', 'Minge', 'OKCupid', 'OKStupid', 'Whatsapp'..
JAKE: That's not a dating application!
AMIR: They're all dating applications, if you know how to be a pimp! [tilts iPhone, smirkingly]
AMIR: The only app that's worth a damn on here is 'Grindr', I'm actually 10 for 10 on that shit! Huh, it works perfectly, if you don't mind who fucks you and where.
JAKE: Has it ever been a girl?
AMIR: Not as of yet, nay!
AMIR: [scrolling through iPhone] I'm on 'match.com', but it says I'm 0% compatible with everybody!
JAKE: I definitely believe that! Your profile says that you're anti-abortion, pro-guncontrol, neonazi-liberal-lesbian rabbi.
JAKE: What do you mean 'where'?
AMIR: Like an alley... or... my face.
AMIR: So 'Hinge' is like 'Tinder', but it relies on you to have facebook friends, of which I have none!
JAKE: Oh my god!
AMIR: Yeah, luckily for me I fucked the creator at the launch party. Huhu
JAKE: Is that true?
AMIR: That I went to the launch party? [long pause, staring at Jake] No!
AMIR: Thoughts on this guy? [Amir shows Jake the iPhone screen] Would you let him...
JAKE: [finishes Amir's sentence] ...fuck my face?
AMIR: Excuse you!
AMIR: I have a 'Tumblr' lately. Yeah, I reblog hot chicks in the art scene and sort of neg their shit! I say I'm a gallery owner, so they respect my negative opines.
JAKE: You're such an evil guy.
AMIR: You're just pissed, 'cause it works!
JAKE: Does it?
AMIR: Not really, no, but you'd know that when you called me evil, did ya?
[Amir pretends to hit Jake in the face, it doesn't make him flinch at all]
AMIR: Oh, made ya flinch!
[Jake pretends to hit Amir in the face, it is very effective, Amir screams softly, with his eyes shut]
AMIR: I lost a nut! How does that even happen, right? I, I swear I'm having the weirdest year. Ha
[jumps back to previous scene after Amir flinches, he is now full out crying. Jake is just sitting there double-facepalming]
AMIR: [crying, talking weepingly with eyes shut] I was so afraid! I thought you were gonna hit me, but more afraid of the pain. I was really afraid of how that punch would change us. How it would effect us going forward as friends.
AMIR: Actually met a girl on 'MySpace', invited her back to my Place, to sit on my face. Hehe
JAKE: Did that work?
AMIR: Absolutely not! Much to my disgrace! Huhu She, erm... She sued me! Which... [long pause] ...was bad!
JAKE: Sorry, who's this guy, that keeps on calling you? [pointing at iPhone] 'Ryan Don't Pick Up'?
AMIR: Na, I just met his wife on 'AshleyMadison.com', hu.
JAKE: The extra-marital affair site?
AMIR: It wasn't really that site, as much as it was 'Yelp'. She left a not so stellar review on this diner that I frequent, so I messaged her and begged her to open an 'AshleyMadison' account. I gave her access to my PayPal address and eh, she is not using it responsibly! Bitch is bleeding me dry and her husband is threatening me on the daily with bodily harm! I guess that's why I'm single! [he says, satirically] Hehe
JAKE: Yes! It is.
AMIR: Chill! Chill with that, those nasty asides!
AMIR: The trick is to join these, 'cause you're feeling lonely.
JAKE: That's not a trick.
[a blonde young woman enters]
CINDY: Hey, A.. Amir? Hi, I, I'm Cindy from Christian 'Mingle'
AMIR: Well, I'm Christian from single mingle...
CINDY: Bye!
[turns around, disgusted]
AMIR: Wait!
END