INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and if you like that... [laughs]
JAKE: What?
AMIR: [talking over Jake] What? What? What?
JAKE: What?
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is washing a bowl in a big metal bucket. His phone rings.]
AMIR: Jake, can you get that?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Oh. Thank you! Ass!
[Amir dries off one hand and picks up the phone.]
AMIR: Hello? Hey! Hey, no no-- sorry, I was... I was washing a bowl. Oh! No, you're calling about the couch? Unfortunately, she's uh... she is no longer available. Alright. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling. Bye, hun. [hangs up, resumes washing the bowl]
JAKE: You sold a couch?
AMIR: No, no no, no, no-- [laughs] --it's actually a... it's actually a funny story--
JAKE: Never mind, alright? I don't think I want to know.
AMIR: Here's what I do: I, uh, put a nice leather couch up on Craigslist saying it's available for free to a good home. You know, I even peppered in some really believable details, like "I'm moving; I don't have a place for it," et cetera, yada yada.
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: "Why" what?
JAKE: What do you mean, "Why what"? You just told me something really mean-spirited and weird that you do, so I asked you why.
AMIR: Oh! [laughs] No, I just, uh, I like to let people down. I like to hear people's disappointed voices, I guess. I don't know if that makes me weird or whatever.
JAKE: Weird? It makes you borderline psychotic!
[The phone rings again.]
AMIR: Shit... can you get that?
JAKE: I'm not gonna answer your phone. The dish is clean.
AMIR: [dropping the bowl in the water] Ass! [picks up the phone] Hello! Hi. Sorry. I was-- [laughs] ...washing a bowl. How are you? Calling about the couch, right? Alright, well my first question is usually "Why do you want the couch?" ...Oh, your daughter's going away to college and she really needs a good couch? [laughs] That's really sweet. [whispering, to Jake] Watch this! [on the phone] Unfortunately, the couch is unavailable! Yes, it is because of how you answered the question. [laughs] No, no, I'm not being cute with you, uh... you really-- you disappointed your daughter on this one. Alright. Okay. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye then. [hangs up, resumes washing the bowl]
JAKE: She asked if you were being cute with her?
AMIR: I told her I was being "cheeky".
JAKE: No you didn't. I'm sitting right here. That's not what you said.
AMIR: I said that. I said I was being cheeky.
JAKE: You suck. You really do. You suck; you're not a good guy.
AMIR: God forbid I have some fun at work!
JAKE: Yes! God does forbid this! Your reverse prank-calling people, and your fucked-up bait-and-switch with these evil mind games. Using a work phone, by the way! You don't even have the Goddamn courtesy to use your cell phone?
AMIR: Yeah, because I don't want people to know my personal number!
JAKE: Right, I get that, but you shouldn't be spending this much time and effort just to piss people off.
[The phone rings. Amir grunts in frustration, then points at Jake expectantly.]
JAKE: Why do you think I'll answer it? [Amir puts the bowl back in the bucket] The bowl's clean.
AMIR: Ass! Ass! Ass!
JAKE: You are.
AMIR: [picking up the phone] Hey! Oh my God, speak of the devil! Mickey, my friend!
JAKE: Jesus.
AMIR: You're in my apartment, Mickey, right? Alright, you rented a U-Haul, Mickey, the biggest one? You got past my doorman, Mickey? You found the key that I left under the floor mat, Mickey? Okay, open the front door to my apartment, Mickey, and you will find a tastefully distressed, beautifully restored, Danish, modern, touch of class for your ass-- there is no couch, Mickey! [laughs] It was all a mind game, Mickey! A fuckin' riddle, Mickey.
JAKE: You know what, that's not a riddle, and did you do one work thing today? Did you answer a single email? Why'd you bring that bucket--
AMIR: Mickey! Mickey, Mickey, Mickey... no no, you have to get out of my apartment, Mickey. Okay? I'm sorry, but you are officially trespassing, Mickey, and I have a good mind to call the police about it.
JAKE: You know, you left him a key. That's not exactly trespassing.
AMIR: Oh. Oh! Oh God, Mickey-- No no no, I can hear-- Oh, I can hear you breaking stuff, Mickey! Please... Mickey, Mickey, I'm begging you, no no no no no-- Ohhhh God, that was the sound of my plasma TV against the tile floor, Mickey! What are you doing, Mickey? Don't do anything you can't take back, Mickey. Oh, Mickey, I'm begging you.
JAKE: You say "Mickey" so much when you talk to him, it's crazy.
AMIR: [still pleading] Mickey! Oh, Mickey, you're so fine! You're so fine, you blow my mind! Hey, Mickey!
END