INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: And my lucky number is sixty-nine! [chuckles]
JAKE: Get out.
AMIR: Okay.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir's nose is still scarred beyond recognition from his nose job.]
AMIR: Oh! Got a spell of good news in an otherwise... quite shitty week.
JAKE: I'd say so; looks like your nose is falling off.
AMIR: I don't have to be nice to anyone anymore.
JAKE: You're not nice to anybody now.
AMIR: Yeah, well now I'm rich about it!
JAKE: ...What does that even mean?
AMIR: Ever heard of the lottery, jackass?
JAKE: Yes.
AMIR: Well I just found out about it yesterday!
JAKE: Then you know what? You're the jackass!
AMIR: Either way, I just won the goddamn jackpot! So call me whatever you want. [chuckles]
JAKE: Why do you think you won the lottery, jackass?
AMIR: [picking at the scabs on his nose] Enough with the name-calling!
JAKE: Can you please--
AMIR: I'm serious.
JAKE: --not pick at that?
AMIR: I'm not trying to! It obviously itches like a bitches!
JAKE: Okay, well just let it heal!
AMIR: Either way, I'm serious about the lottery thing, man. I-- I beat the system on that; I really did.
JAKE: How.
AMIR: Well, you know how everyone only buys one lottery ticket?
JAKE: ...No?
AMIR: [singing, holding up two tickets] Well I got tree, I got tree, tell the world, that I got... tree! [flicks his tongue in between the tickets]
[Jake doesn't respond.]
AMIR: Ass!
JAKE: You know you're holding two?
AMIR: Ass! Ass!
JAKE: It's two.
AMIR: You wouldn't have laughed even if I s--
JAKE: That's not three.
AMIR: That's why you're not laughing? 'Cause I said two?
JAKE: Yeah! Because you know what--
AMIR: Or is it because-- because everything I say doesn't make you laugh?
JAKE: --winning the lottery is, like, one in two hundred million! What are your numbers?
AMIR: Because you have a bias against me.
JAKE: What are your numbers?
AMIR: Excuse me?
JAKE: What are the numbers? We'll check right now to see if you won. First ticket. Go.
AMIR: What do you mean, "first ticket"? They're both the same "winning" combination on each ticket! Why win one lottery... [holds up three fingers] when you can win tree?
JAKE: So you know what three is? Right? 'Cause that one's got three, this one's got two-- you know what? Forget it. You bought multiple lottery tickets with the same combination?
AMIR: The same winning combination! [picks at his scabs] There's a difference.
JAKE: There's not. What are the numbers?
AMIR: 1, 18, 22, 27, 38, Powerball... tree! As in "I just won the lottery tree times".
JAKE: Jesus Christ, you won.
AMIR: I know. I know.
JAKE: Please, this isn't fair! Alright? You have to understand-- this is the most insanely lucky thing that's happened to anybody, ever.
AMIR: Not luck, okay? Strategy!
JAKE: No, it wasn't strategy! Okay? Just-- jump up and down, be happy, at least act shocked. Okay? You noseless ass!
AMIR: Oh, excuse me! What's that supposed to mean? Is that some kind of dig at my nose?
JAKE: Yes! Obviously! It wasn't thinly veiled!
AMIR: I can't handle this right now! I gotta go back to the store and get the numbers on these tickets to match the one on the site!
JAKE: Great, so they don't match right now.
AMIR: Not right now! But I have a feeling if a guy who just won three hundred and thirty-three million dollars waltzed in there, [picking at his scabs] they'll pretty much do whatever the hell he asks them to.
JAKE: Can you please just focus on getting your face better and stop scratching your nose?
AMIR: It just itches a lot, okay? But it's fine!
JAKE: Hey-- hey, it-- but-- no, there's a family of spiders crawling out of there.
AMIR: [with spiders on his nose] Oh my God!
END