[INTRO]:
JAKE: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Wow! Recording intros without me-
JAKE: When you're in here
AMIR: Touche
(JAKE and AMIR sitting at their desks, AMIR is hiding behind his computer)
AMIR: Hey! What's the capital of Cleveland?
JAKE: ...what?
AMIR: What's the capital of Cleveland-
JAKE: I heard you the first time it doesn't make any sense.
(AMIR emerges from behind his computer wearing a bandage over his nose)
AMIR: Ooohioo!
JAKE: Jesus Christ!
AMIR: Let me answer your question with one of my own.
JAKE: I didn't ask one.
AMIR: What was the worst part of my face before the surgery?
JAKE: Beady eyes, chipmunk cheeks, buck teeth, bad skin-
AMIR: My Jew nose.
JAKE: Know what man- stop saying that alright? I never had a problem with your nose.
AMIR: Well now you're really not gonna have a problem with it. PLease allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is nose.
(AMIR pulls away te bandage to reveal a disfigured nose)
JAKE: Ooh!
AMIR: N to the ose E!
JAKE: No man! Come on! You're nose is gone! Where did you get surgery?
AMIR: Well, you know my cousin Leeron, right?
JAKE: Yes, I know your cousin Leeron.
AMIR: ...anyway, his ex-boyfriend, Parm...
JAKE: Wait a sec, Leeron's gay?
AMIR: Yeah, dude, it's 2013, why is that of note to you?
JAKE: Just saying, like, he has kids-
AMIR: Yeah, he has ki- Uh- I'm sorry, no-
JAKE: No- I didn't- alright-
AMIR: So gay people can't have children, is that what you're saying? Is that your little agenda?
JAKE: Can you-
AMIR: No, I'm serious, if gay people having children freaks you out this much-
JAKE: It doesn't freak me out-
AMIR: Then you have a lot of soul searching to do
JAKE: You know what, I don't have a lot of soul searching to do
AMIR: Yeah, you really do.
JAKE: You know what freaks me out? Your face freaks me out- (Simultaneously) AMIR: You have to look yourself in the mirror and you have to say: do YOU deserve children?
AMIR: Because I really don't think that you do.
JAKE: What happened, to your face?
AMIR: Parm fancies himslef an amateur surgeon- a, a bone sartorialist if you will.
JAKE: I won't.
AMIR: Anyway, I'm in the market for a new schnozz, you know, and the price was right at five-K plus gas.
JAKE: Gas?
AMIR: Did I mention that the hospital, was a van?
JAKE: ...No... How is that legal?
AMIR: If you thinks it's legal, I've got a news flash for ya!
(AMIR pulls up his gown)
AMIR (Lifting up his leg): It's taint!
JAKE: Aaaah! Thats sexual harrasment!
AMIR: General anaesthesia, General, (saluting) I need no anaesthesia. I was clubbed on the head like a stunned cow before slaughter. I fell into a deep fitfull rest, fevered nightmares of birds eating my face and what have you. But, listen up because this is when it gets real.
JAKE: It hasn't already gotten real? You were clubbed in a van by a guy named Parm.
AMIR: I shoot awake mid surgery, you know I guess the club (lifting leg again) didn't do the trick. Heh, anyway, long story... shart...
(AMIR shits himself)
JAKE: Shower, burn the chair.
AMIR: I wake up in a cold, cold sweat to the sound of a bone saw cutting through by bone cartilage, nasal cavity deep deep deep into my skull and I'm like, you know what? No! Enough is enough! I take a scalpel, blind old Parm and I am out of there. Unfortunately, for me, I'm too weak, tired, scared and lame to get much further than the front of the inside of the van. Erstwhile, Parm is on in the back, rufflin' around, swearin' to the only Pagan god he believes in that he's gonna have my head in a jar for what I done to him, RE, blinding him with a scalpel.
JAKE: Was it worth it?
AMIR: Let me work it, ha ha.
(JAKE shakes his head, AMIR whispers 'wow')
JAKE: All this destruction.
AMIR: It was nerf ifinifin when yet and you're not even cracking up-
JAKE: This carnage...
AMIR: Yup, a smile.
JAKE: Yeah, was it worth changing your stupid nose over?
AMIR: If you're talking about blinding Parm then you should know that he was nearly blind to begin with, okay? If not already there.
JAKE: You still stabbed somebody! In his eye, right? And- by the way- why would you let a blind person operate on your face?
(AMIR's phone rings)
AMIR: Oh, speak o' the devil, He he. Parm's hospice nurse is calling me.
JAKE: Sorry, how old is Parm?
AMIR: Ninety-three.
JAKE: Your cousin dated him?
AMIR: It's 2013! (Talking on phone) Hello? Yes, no no no, okay maam, maam I can assure you he was blind as a bat already. You are not putting that on me! Hello-? If Parm wants to talk to me he can talk to me himself. Oh hello Mr Sir. Yeah, you know what? No- you are a chicken, you are a chicken Parm! You are a god damn chicken parmesan!