INTRO
AMIR: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
JAKE: Not enough time.
AMIR: I was done.
JAKE: Not enough information, then.
LIZ: Oh wow, so I guess that's why they call it the blues.
JAKE: That's great. Alright. Thank you very much Liz, we're gonna definitely be in touch.
LIZ: Okay.
GIRL ON COUCH: We're hoping to let everybody know by Friday.
LIZ: Thank you.
AMIR: Though if you ask me? We already found our leading lady.
JAKE: Well yeah thanks again, and could you just let the next person know that we're ready?
LIZ: Yeah.
AMIR: We gotta go through the whole dog and pony show of at least seeing everybody, but I assure you it is more than a done deal I think we can all agree. Promise us you'll keep monday open?
LIZ: Uh, I have a doctor's appointment.
AMIR: Cancel it. Sweetheart. Please. Okay? You're as healthy as a clam. We will call you.
LIZ: Okay.
AMIR: Never. Holy shit, that was awful right?
JAKE: She's still close enough to hear you.
AMIR: NEXT!
GIRL 2: Oh wow, so I guess that's why they call it the blues.
AMIR: How does it feel like? I'm serious, how does it feel like?
JAKE: Bad english bud.
GIRL 2: Excuse me?
AMIR: I'm serious. I musta been to like, what, a million of these?
JAKE: You never come to these.
AMIR: And I've only ever seen one person ever have it, as much as you currently do. Okay? And uh, Elisabeth Shue turned out alright.
GIRL ON COUCH: What?
AMIR: I want you to walk out. Walk out right now with your head held high because you just won a goddamn beauty pageant and a talent show all in one. (Singing) There she goes, Miss Americ-NO. That was... What was that? NEXT!
PATRICIA: Oh wow, so that's why they call it the blues.
JAKE: Great. Thanks. Bye.
AMIR (Speaking too loud): Not another goddamn step you beautiful bombshell bitch.
JAKE: Wow.
AMIR: Yeah, you Jessica Rabbit meets Jessica Biel A-list (bleep). Patricia? Do me a favor. Remember this moment. Can you do me that solid? Can you remember this moment? Can you remember this time and place? Can you remember what you see and feel? Okay? Because this is the last second of your life that you are in a goddamn A-list fucking (bleep).
GIRL ON COUCH: Jesus.
AMIR: Yeah. I want you to take the scenic route home. I really do, I want you to waltz downstairs, go to the book library, the food store, whatever the FUCK it is you do, and I want you to soak in (inhales deeply) breathe in that privacy for the last FUCKING time, because after this week, after the people see what the performance that you just gave to us for the first time, and honestly, I feel treasured that I got to see it first, your life, as you know it, is completely changed, and I don't think everybody can handle it but I really think you can. Because honestly? You're a goddamn Elisabeth Shue to me. She is. Like I know I've said it before, but like, now I actually mean it. Thank you.
PATRICIA: Did I get the part?
JAKE: Maybe, not necessarily. We're gonna call you.
AMIR: You more than got the part! You got our hearts. Namaste. (Patricia leaves the room) And more importantly. We've got toilet paper. For our farts! Thanks Patricia! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, wipeout!
JAKE: Oh my god, there's actual shit on that bud.
AMIR: Dammit.
JAKE: How?
AMIR: I'm aloof!
JAKE: That's not what that means, and ya know what dude, can you do us a favor? Please, can you not tell every single girl that they got the part? Because we're the ones that have to call them, and tell them that they didn't. Besides, I wrote Elton John Blows Papa Smurf, okay? You shouldn't even be here.
AMIR: Fine. Relax.
JAKE: Alright.
AMIR (Mumbled): Queen.
JAKE: What?
AMIR: Nothing.
JAKE: What did you just say?
AMIR: I called you a queen. And you know what? Sure all these girls might not have all gotten the part, but you know what at least they felt like a star for half a minute. And yeah, they'll come crashing back to reality when you tell them the truth, but isn't it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
(All the girls outside start clapping)
JAKE: Nope. Don't clap. He said it in a cool way but he couldn't be more wrong.
AMIR (Speaking to the girls outside): Good news guys. You all got the lead. Every last one of you!
LIZ: Ugh, what's that smell?
AMIR: I'm aloof!
END