INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: And?
JAKE: That's it.
AMIR: Wow, way to be ambitious!
[Jake and Amir are in a hotel room (see "Lights Out") watching TV.]
AMIR: Ha! This is fun. Just two best friends watching hotel television together. [chuckles] We both cherish this shit.
JAKE: Nope.
AMIR: Oh my God, congratulations! It took you thirty seconds for you to make me feel like garbage-trash today! That's a record!
JAKE: It was, like, three seconds.
AMIR: And the shit just keeps on... [points to his gums]
JAKE: "Gumming"?
AMIR: That's right! [flips the remote in the air] Diva! [smacks Jake with it]
JAKE: Ow.
AMIR: Hey, let's go swimming.
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Hot tub?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Come on! Traveling with you is such a bore. What do you do, just sit inside of your room and jerk off all day? [pauses, shrugs, then pulls out his iPhone and moves his hand toward his pants]
JAKE: Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? [grabs the iPhone]
AMIR: So we can't even spank it?
AMIR: Can I hold the remote now?
JAKE: You can't hold the remote, because last time you did, you ate one of the batteries.
AMIR: Oh, here we go, it's story time! Hey children, gather 'round; it's time for Jake to tell us a tall tale! Please, Jake, remind me what happened next!
JAKE: You know what? I will remind you, because you were blackout drunk! You put a battery in your mouth, you washed it down with an entire bottle of vodka from the minibar, and then said, "I'll take that free ride to the ER now!"
[Amir flips the bird with both hands.]
AMIR: [on the phone] Hey, room service? Yes, can I get two cheeseburgers, one with fries, one with salad, and can you take that entire order and shove it up your butt? That's right: go fuck yourself! You've just been Punk'd by Ashton Coutchard! Ha, I wouldn't eat your pig slop if you forced me to butt-chug it!
JAKE: You know they can tell what room you're calling from, right?
AMIR: Oh, bullshit. They did say 228, but I guarantee that's a lucky guess. [on the phone] Yup. Jake Hurwitz speaking.
JAKE: You know, when the doctors X-rayed you, they found more than one battery. They found five or six AA's, a nine-volt, and an entire roll of copper wire.
AMIR: It's electric!
JAKE: That's the terrible joke you made on the operating table to deafening silence, as the nurses sawed into you.
AMIR: Boogie-woogie-woogie. [laughs]
JAKE: You should be dead.
AMIR: Enough! Absolutely no more!
AMIR: [flipping channels] Garbage, fake news, reality trash, propaganda, propaganda, the weather channel... Skinemax? [stops flipping and moves his hand to his pants again]
JAKE: No! [pulls Amir's hand away]
AMIR: You really are becoming a thorn in my side.
AMIR: [on the phone] Room service? Hi. Yup, room 228-- no no no no no, don't hang up, that was-- my boy got a hold of the phone earlier, and you know how kids can be. Anyway, we would actually like to order lunch this time. Do you guys have, like, a small seaweed salad? Maybe like a quinoa starter of sorts that you could just roll up into, like, a... like a torpedo and shove up your ass? Like, just shove it up your goddamn ass? [laughs] That's right! My name is Jacob Penn Cooper Valerie Blumenwitz and you were just the victim of a Jerky-Boys-style stunt, AKA a flash mob!
[Amir has his butt up in the air. He farts noisily.]
AMIR: Did you Instavideo that?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Ass!
AMIR: [on the phone] Hello, room service? No no no, I'm sorry, please, no no, don't hang up, don't hang up. That was my brother. He's going through these-- I actually am calling to apologize. He's going through this, like, pha-- it's not even worth getting into. We actually-- I know this is hard to believe, but we really do want some food. I feel like the boy who cried wolf, but if you can just find it in your heart to-- to believe me one last time, I really w-- I'll make it worth your while. I'll pay you 200 percent. [pause] Gosh, thank you-- thank you so much. I so-- I so, so much appreciate it. [Jake buries his face in a pillow] I don't have a menu on me, but if you have, like a-- any spaghetti dish, like a pasta, like a penne vodka, something tomato-and-cheesy, that you can shove up your ass! That you can shove up your goddamn ass! [laughs] Hello? Hel-- oh my God, you gotta be kidding me! That's like the third time they hung up on me!
[There's a loud knock.]
AMIR: Oh my God, dude, dude, dude, you gotta get that.
AMIR: [off screen, crying] Please, please, please! I'm so sorry for prank-calling the hotel! You really- I don't know what got over me, but you can't kick me out! You really cannot kick me out! I deserve to stay here! You don't understand, this is like a vacation for us; this is like a once-in-a-lifetime frickin' thing--
JAKE: Just apologize!
AMIR: [still crying] I'm not going to apologize; it was a joke!
AMIR: [still crying] Got 'em.
JAKE: "Got 'em"? Really?
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: You just cried in front of a hotel clerk for thirty minutes 'til he got bored and left.
AMIR: [on the phone, still crying] Hello, room service? Yeah, can I have, like, a soup, and can you shove it up your, your goddamn-- yeah, your goddamn ass. Thank you. [to Jake] They would. They said they were going to.
END