INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and if you see my dad, have him call me! [chuckles]
JAKE: I feel bad for you.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks. Amir is chugging a water bottle. He wiggles his eyebrows at Jake, who's watching him disinterestedly. Amir swishes the water around in his mouth.]
JAKE: Swallow it.
[Cut back to Amir, who now has water droplets on his shirt.]
AMIR: Want to know a cute little life-hack? [wipes his mouth] If you're interested.
JAKE: I'm actually not interested. And that was very foul.
AMIR: It'll save you time and money, let alone effort, and... did I mention c-c-c-c-c-c-cash?
JAKE: You did when you said "money".
AMIR: Every time I fly, when I land, I'll pen a little complaint to the airline that flew me. You know, I'll come up with something like, uh, "oh, they denied me a drink", "oh, the food wasn't vegetarian"-- whatever miscellaneous hogwash pot-pourri comes to my crazy brain-- and like clockwork, within a business day, they're reimbursing me with a fifty-dollar voucher, a hundred-dollar voucher. I can sell that on the secondary market.
JAKE: You absolute ass.
AMIR: And proud of it!
JAKE: You jerk.
AMIR: Stop it! [laughing weakly] Okay? A-- a "thank you" would have sufficed, for saving you time, money, effort, and let alone c-c-c-c-cash!
JAKE: How does it save me time or effort? It costs both of those things, and you know, for most people this involves overcoming some kind of moral obstacle.
AMIR: Well I'm not most peoples!
JAKE: You say that like it's a good thing; it's a very bad thing. Alright? You're endangering people's jobs.
AMIR: Enda-- no, more than endangering! I've actually taken a pilot's wings before. I mean he wasn't fired, as it were, but he was definitely forced into an early retirement! I'm actually locked into litigation right now, so I can't speak with too much more detail about what's going on. [chuckles]
JAKE: What's going on?
AMIR: We're nine months deep and I do not have the capital to sustain this frickin' Law & Order: SV-Fuck-U! I have been grilled by several expert witnesses and a lot of professional cross-examiners, and I'm just sitting under oath, lying through my teeth at this point! [laughing] I actually broke twice! Yeah, I couldn't even keep a straight face. My own lawyer left the courtroom mid-testimony.
JAKE: Jesus!
AMIR: It is a shit-show! I'm so heavy in debt, but nobody wants to take this on pro-bueno! Seriously, I'm two million in the hole, and at this point I have to win the frickin' case just to break even! How is that normal? How is that fair?
JAKE: You know what? It's fair because it's all your fault! You did this to yourself; you're-- ...dude, you're robbing airlines!
AMIR: Oh, they rob us.
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Yeah.
JAKE: Don't. Please.
AMIR: No, have you-- have you seen these fares? They're gouging us!
JAKE: Don't turn this into some kind of noble cause, okay? You're incapable of having an idea that big.
AMIR: Have you seen Erin Brokovich?
JAKE: You're a small-time crook.
AMIR: Have you seen Erin Brokovich?
JAKE: Yes, I've seen Erin Brokovich, and you know what? She brought a small town to its feet and a corporation to its knees. You, sir, are no Erin Brokovich.
AMIR: [finishing his thought undeterred] Well I'm Erin Choke-a-bitch!
[Jake stares at Amir. Amir holds his final pose for a very long time for emphasis.]
JAKE: Stand up.
AMIR: [continuing to hold still] What?
JAKE: Stand up. I think I need to fight you.
AMIR: Why?
JAKE: Yeah! Uh--
[Jake stands up, clearly not accustomed to fighting but driven by rage nonetheless. Amir stands as well.]
JAKE: ...put up your dukes, I guess!
AMIR: I don't know if I want to. This is ridiculous!
JAKE: I know it's ridiculous, but I think it's finally come to blows, man.
AMIR: I can't hurt you! I can't punch you!
[Jake punches Amir in the stomach. Amir reflexively punches back, and connects with Jake's face.]
JAKE: Aaah! Ass!
AMIR: I'm sorry!
[Jake winds up and hits Amir in the jaw. Amir swings his foot around to connect with Jake's leg. Amir also punches Jake, but still seems shocked at his own actions. Jake punches Amir in the face. Jake punches Amir in the face again. Jake punches Amir in the face a third time. Jake winds up a final time and hits Amir in the throat. Amir falls to the floor and struggles to breathe.]
AMIR: [gasping] You a-- [gasp] You assh-- [gasp] oh--
[Amir's phone rings. He answers it.]
AMIR: [gasping] Hello? ...What? ...No, no-- Esquire, sir, with all due respect, that pilot touched me! [nervous chuckle]
[As Amir says this, he crosses his fingers and winks at Jake.]
END